Life at Bono's height

RIP Little Bill-Bill

2011-06-16T02:05:00.002-04:00

On Friday my wife and I lost one of our family. One of our beloved kitties, Bill-Bill, passed away at the age of 14. I know some people don't understand strong attachments to pets, and others have pets without developing strong attachments themselves, but that's just not the way we are. Our cats are our companions. They keep us company when the other person is away, and they complete our family when we are all together. Bill-Bill was a huge part of our family and will be missed daily.

Bill was our noisy kitty. He would have an entire conversation with you, if you were willing to talk back after every meow. He rubbed his head against things loudly. He walked with a definite audible sound. He ate louder than anyone. You always knew when Bill was around.

Now the house is so quiet. We miss all of his sounds.

I'll miss the way he would snuggle up to me by facing away from me, and then laying back into me, content to be touching me but looking away from me. If we let him in the bedroom in the morning he would run inside, jump onto the bed always in the same spot, then run over and sit in the same place next to me every morning. I don't know why he liked that spot next to me so much, but i loved having him there.

I try to hide my sadness as much as i can from my wife since she is suffering more. I knew Bill for a year and a half, but Bill was her companion for 14 years. He even traveled cross country with her 4 times. I wish i had the words to take away her sadness. I don't.

Burying him was one of the most difficult things i have ever done. Being strong and doing what needs to be done, even when all you want to do is cry, is part of being a husband and the head of a household. Not something that came up a lot when i was single. I hope I'm always up to the challenge.

RIP little Bill-Bill. I miss you everyday =(

Music Memories

2011-04-03T10:03:00.006-04:00

As I was driving in my car yesterday i listened to something I hadn't in a few weeks. I put on the bootleg of Jonsi's concert at Laugardashol in Reykjavik, specifically the closing song "Grow Til Tall". It's amazing to me how within just the first few notes i could remember being exactly in that moment. Sitting in an Icelandic sports hall, not being able to remember how long it had been since i slept last. Feeling that overtired bittersweet concert feeling where you love each song, but somewhere deep down hoping it's the last song because you have nothing left to give as a listener.

I remember looking at my beautiful new wife at my side, surely more tired than myself, both of us ready to get a good night's sleep and begin our adventure in Iceland.

What a great night that was, and how amazing that technology and music let me re-live that moment.

Icelandic Serenity

2011-03-21T16:13:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite moments in a trip through Iceland.

Updates!

2010-12-01T22:23:00.002-05:00

I read the latest blog post from a buddy i didn't even know had a blog, and it reminded me that I had one too.

Hi.

Things have been busy around here. I have a wedding in 16 days, I'm pondering new positions at work, I'm readying a top 30 of 2010 and top 50 of the 2000's music list, I'm getting ready for a trip to Iceland, finishing my degree (after a 12 year hiatus), home renovations, trying to Christmas shop...

Really the wedding is the big one. I'm happy to share the work load with my fiance (though truthfully, it's a 40/60 split at best), but it sure is a lot of work. Even now this close to the event we are still figuring out ceremony details, music selections, program details...

None of that is a complaint, this is the best year of my life, by far.

My fiance is amazing. She is truly the soul-mate i always thought i didn't have. I was completely wrong on this one. We *do* have soul-mates and mine is upstairs right now trying to sleep.

As much as i am looking forward to the wedding proper, part of me can't wait until this is over and we can go to Iceland and (sorta) relax. I only put the "sorta" in there because we have so much cool stuff planned. Horseback riding through lava fields? check. Monster truck tours of volcanos? check. My favorite Icelandic artist's only Iceland show of the year? check. Natural hot springs? check. Northern lights? check. The world's largest fireworks display? check. Bed and Breakfast at the foot of the active volcano that caused travel havoc all year? check.

I'm sure I'm forgetting a few things, but it's a pretty packed trip.

I promise to post pictures.

GY!BE

2010-09-17T21:04:00.001-04:00

My awesome fiance snagged us two tickets for Godspeed You! Black Emperor in March in Detroit.

I'm a wee bit excited.

Change of Time

2010-09-06T11:51:00.000-04:00

I had a dream last night
I dreamt that I was swimming
And the stars up above
Directionless and drifting
Somewhere in the dark
Were the sirens and the thunder
And around me as I swam
The drifters who'd gone under

Time, love
Time, love
Time, love
It's only a change of time

I had a dream last night
And rusting far below me
Battered hulls and broken hardships
Leviathan and Lonely
I was thirsty so I drank
And though it was salt water
There was something about the way
It tasted so familiar

The black clouds I'm hanging
This anchor I'm dragging
The sails of memory rip open in silence
We cut through the lowlands
All hands through the saltlands
The white caps of memory
Confusing and violent

I had a dream last night
And when I opened my eyes
Your shoulder blade, your spine
Were shorelines in the moon light
New worlds for the weary
New lands for the living
I could make it if I tried
I closed my eyes I kept on swimming

(rough seas, they carry me wherever I go)

B U R N I N G !

2010-08-25T10:36:00.000-04:00

Mogwai Live Film "Burning" Teaser from Nathanaël Le Scouarnec on Vimeo.

Truth, and Self Deception

2010-08-15T23:11:00.003-04:00

I was thinking about truth tonight.

This is not an unusual subject for me. It's in my head a lot.

I have trouble wrapping my brain around a concept that a lot of people seem to have no problem with at all. It frequently rears it's head when someone is choosing their personal religious beliefs. It's the concept of a person choosing a belief, or group of beliefs, that "fits" the person's preferences, or meshes with their personal worldview. It seems to come up most often for the people who consider themselves spiritual, but not religious. Those who subscribe to a certain segment of a doctrinal belief system, but not all of it. Maybe they even subscribe to slices of different belief systems, without wholly believing in one completely.

This isn't in itself a problem. I'd be pretty hypocritical if i stated that everyone should pick a belief system and decide every part of it is true and that's that. Not accepting parts of traditional religion while accepting others is fine. Especially considering the amount of "extra" things that get tacked onto groups of beliefs over time due to tradition and cultural influences. Denying parts of a belief system that the majority of other believers accept is perfectly fine, as long as it's for the right reasons.

The problem is the reason that some people do it. Some people do it because they don't like part of a belief system.

This is where i become flabbergasted a bit. What does liking something have to do with it being true? If something is true, it's true whether you or i like it or not. Gravity is gravity, no matter how much you think it would be nicer to just float around all day. For most people, that kind of absolute truth is obvious, but when it comes to spiritual beliefs it suddenly becomes a matter of preference.

I suppose i shouldn't be flabbergasted at all. There is part of human nature i know all too well that is most likely behind this. People, whether they realize it or not, are incredibly prone to self deception. When the chips are down, unless they are fighting against the urge, they will gladly believe in whatever makes them feel better. They will subconsciously ignore the realities in life that make the most obvious and logical sense, and skip right to the one that helps them sleep at night.

I'm 15 years removed from my last Psychology class so i won't pretend to profess any specific clinical reason for this, but you don't have to look hard to see it. It's amazing to see sometimes how parents refuse to believe things about their children that are obvious to everyone else. Substance abuse, abusiveness, self destructive behaviors.... things that everyone with a pairs of eyes and 5 minutes in the same room with someone can see, parents are frequently oblivious about. Somewhere deep down in the parent as a defense mechanism their subconscious is saying "not *my* son" or "not *my* daughter", and they go to sleep at night blissfully ignorant of what others can clearly see.

We deceive ourselves.

Self deception terrifies me. It terrifies me because even though I'm cognizant of it's virus like abilities in our subconscious, i still know that my awareness of it doesn't make me immune to it.

It's not just the "spiritual, but not religious" crowd that is prone to this. It's a behavior that is certainly prevalent in the devout religious people as well.

I frequently see the following behavior in conservative Christians (I pick this group because it's one that in my life travels i have, by far, spent the most time with). The behavior I'm referring to is a propensity to "protect" their faith. They wont entertain viewpoints from people who are atheist, or anti-christian in some way. They wont watch movies or listen to music created by people with ideas and beliefs that vary widely from their traditional Christian views.

Why? If what you believe is true, opening yourself up to other ideas will bring you back to the same place you started. If it doesn't, then maybe what you believe *isn't* true, and it's time to reassess your beliefs. Truth doesn't need your protecting, it's validity is all the protection it needs. A scientist doesn't think up a hypothesis, but then refuse to test it in fear that the tests may prove the hypothesis false. A scientist knows that as good or as exciting as any idea is, it's worthless until it faces as many tests as they can throw at it, and is still left standing.

I suppose a lot of people have no desire to reassess their beliefs, even if their beliefs are not rooted in reality. They "like" their hypothesis so much that the last thing they want to do is find out if it's really true or not.

The question i suppose then is this: Would you rather know truth, even if it makes you unhappy, or makes it difficult to sleep at night; or would you prefer to believe in something that makes you happy, gives you hope, and let's you go to sleep at night with a smile on your face, even if it isn't actually true?

Wedding Work

2010-08-11T09:50:00.002-04:00

We are working on a wedding website. Should be fun when it's up and running.

I have been surprised to find out how much i am enjoying planning a wedding with my fiance. I think that's just another indication that I'm marrying the right person.

Though it's not like i needed any additional signs.

More is Coming

2010-08-03T10:38:00.001-04:00

Seriously.

Sorry.

Just give me a day or two.

Promise.

GYBE!

2010-06-02T21:17:00.000-04:00

Old news, but happy news....

Love

2010-05-09T22:18:00.005-04:00

Someone told me last night that i hadn't blogged in a while. They were right. This was on my mind today as i worked today; sadly and rarely on a Sunday, so i thought i would share it.

I thought about love.

I spent years and years trying to come up with a definition for love that made sense to me. I was always unhappy with people who seem to throw the word around without much thought. It frequently seemed as if all the people who were using the word didn't seem to know what it meant themselves, they were just throwing the word around because they felt they were supposed to.

I was never really sure what people meant when they said it.

"You make me feel good" sometimes seemed the meaning. "I'm sorry" it seemed to mean other time. Sometimes it simply seemed to mean "Goodbye".

In addition to having trouble figuring out the meaning of word via a person's immediate context, there came the overarching way the people interacted with each other versus the supposed meaning of the word. I know people who spoke to each other, treated each other, in ways that wouldn't be considered loving by anyone's definition, yet still tossed the word around.

Whatever the meaning was, i had pretty much decided to stop using the phrase until i could figure out what it means, or at least what it means to me.

After years of thinking, i came up with something that made sense to me. Love to me really wasn't a feeling. Don't get me wrong, feelings are certainly involved, but it was something you do. An action. You can feel a lot of things, but those feelings don't always translate into loving actions to others no matter how "loving" the feelings are.

So my definition was pretty simple. Not an emotion, love was the simple act of putting someone else's needs or wants ahead of your own. It could be something as simple as small as letting someone else have the last cookie even though you want it yourself. It could be something as large as giving someone a kidney. In any event, the loving thing to do always involves putting someone's needs ahead of your own.

So i was once again free to start using the phrase again, as long as i did my best to use it within the confines of my own definition. If i was going to tell someone i loved them, i needed to make sure i was also walking the walk, and doing my best to put their needs ahead of my own. This is obviously easier said than done. For me it isn't about being perfect, it's about deciding each day to try and this a little harder than the day before.

I came up with this all a while back, maybe 2 years ago. Things since then have changed a lot. Within the past 6 months i have met the woman of my dreams, realized a lot of the manufacturing i was frequently attempting in previous relationships, began to understand how "easy" things can be when you find the right person, and now find myself planning a wedding.

I think my definition of love is continuing to evolve.

Don't get me wrong, i think my definition is accurate. It just may not be complete.

Finding that right person for myself opened my eyes to more than i understood before. Most of it is still a bit overwhelming and will take awhile to sift through. It's good though. I have the rest of my life to understand it. I have a partner to understand it with. I can't wait to see where the journey goes. I can't wait to see the new things my eyes will be opened to.

Country Disappeared

2010-03-30T10:41:00.001-04:00

Wilco - Country Disappeared - A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

Happy Saint Me Day

2010-03-17T22:27:00.002-04:00

It just kind of occurred to me that it was St Patrick's Day, which made me realize how many twists and turns my life has made in the last year.

I spent most of my day with a huge smile on my face, knowing how blessed I have been over my last 3 months. All of the bad twists in my journey have been well worth it for the place I am now.

I am a lucky, lucky, man.

I'm also a little more aware of the shortness of life, the need to do more than just think. I know what i want my life to be like, I'm going to make those things happen. For the first time in my life, i have all the pieces before me. I'm not going to just sit back, I'm going to actively pursue the life I want.

2009 will forever be the most intense year of my life in terms of events and opposing emotions.

2010 i believe will be the most positive year of my life, at lest to date.

I look forward to looking back a year from now. There are sure to be a lot of changes. I certainly won't be living here. I'll most likely have made some major life decisions. Financially i will be a much different place. I'll probably have the same employer, but hope to have found a new step on a currently muddy career path.

I'll keep everyone posted. For now, smiles... and hard work where needed.

Curvature

2010-03-12T11:52:00.002-05:00

I Love My Life

2010-03-11T19:25:00.002-05:00

I took this picture today =)

I Built Myself a Metal Bird...

2010-03-08T00:45:00.000-05:00

Coming to Toronto in May!

I Built Myself A Metal Bird - Thee Silver Mt. Zion from Constellation Records on Vimeo.

It Continues: Evangelion Music

2010-03-08T00:08:00.004-05:00

The music is pretty good too. I may have ordered some cds tonight...

Evangelion Forever

2010-03-05T22:22:00.012-05:00

I became hooked on the Japanese animated television series "Neon Genesis Evangelion" back in college. I had been a long time fan of Japanese Animation (Robotech started it back in the early 80's), and Evangelion was right up my alley. Between the complex psychological exploration of the characters, and the rich use of both Jewish and Christian mythology weaved throughout the dense, sometimes uncomprehensible, story, it's the kind of thing that requires multiple viewings to truly appreciate.

Apparently it also involves purchasing it over and over again.

I'm starting to lose track of how many times i have purchased this series. It's amazing the purchases that end up being made by a single man left to his own devices. It started in college when i bought the whole series on dubbed VHS. DVD wasn't really around yet, and while i preferred subtitles over dubbing, i figured i would be more likely to get my college friends to watch it dubbed. I bought each new dubbed VHS as it came out, eventually owning the whole collection.

Entire series purchased once.

Later after i had graduated college, i picked up the entire dvd box set. This solved the problem of not owning the subtitled version since the dvds had both subtitled and dubbed versions of the show, as well as updating the whole set to digital, a clear improvement over the fragile, short shelf life VHS version of the series. Also, the box they collection came in was pretty sweet, and i got a great deal on the set.

Entire series purchased twice.

I was pretty happy at this point with my purchases. I had the complete Evangelion collection on DVD to enjoy whenever i wanted, in both sub and dub formats.

Of course at this point over in Japan, the makers of Evangelion, GAINAX, started to revise some of the series. The controversial ending of the show (which i won't get into here) eventually caused them to tweak and redo the final episodes of the show in Japan, which were released in the form of 2 dvds that had the new versions of the final episodes. I of course had to pick these up too, as i didn't want to have the whole collection without the added changes that were involved with new versions of the final episodes.

I've now purchased the series 2 times, plus some additional versions of some episodes.

It's at this time that the lovely people at GAINAX in Japan decided the whole series needed to be re-released. The new version of the series featured new video and audio transfers. There were updated scenes here and there, and the complete series with both the original end episodes and the additional director's cut version of the final episodes. In Japan this was known as Evangelion: Renewal. It was released in the states as The Platnium collection. Of course i needed this too.

As a side note i have recently discovered that the version of the platinum collection i purchased does not include the special features (Commentaries, trailers, textless openings/closing, bonus features, etc.), so now i'm looking into finding a version of the platinum collection that includes all of this. Sigh...

Series now purchased 3 full times, plus some additional.

It should be mentioned that ending of the series was eventually retold in Japan in the form of 2 feature films. Evangelion: Death and Rebirth, and The End of Evangelion. The first movie was like a recap of the series, with the latter being a brand new full theatrical ending for the story. I think if i remember correctly, i found the first movie as fansub VHS, then both movies on fansub dvd, and then finally purchased them both on official dvds a few years later when they were finally released in the states.

So i think I'm up to 3 full versions of series, some additional series stuff, and 2-3 versions of the movies.

You would think i was done buying Evangelion. It would seem that i have more than done my duty as a fan. Oh no. Now that Evangelion is over 15 years old, they had something up their sleeves over in Japan.

They call it the Rebuild of Evangelion. It consists of 4 Feature Films that will essentially retell the entire series in 3 movies, and have an entirely new ending for the story in a 4th movie. In addition to everything being brand new animation, some scenes are frame for frame remakes, while other scenes are entirely different, sometimes to the point of completely changing the plot. The first of these films was released in the US in November as Evangelion 1.0: You Are (NOT) Alone.

I'm seriously losing track here, but it gets worse.

Next week finds the release of Evangelion 1.11. Evangelion 1:11 is basically the same as 1.0, but it has something like 422 individual shots in the film touched up, and 3 minutes of all new footage. It's also being released on blu-ray, unlike 1.0 which was just on dvd.

Yes, I'll be buying this too.

Now i just have to wait for the US release details of Evangelion 2.0: You Can (Not) Advance. I think I'll be buying Evangelion well into my 40's. Don't get me wrong, I'm ok with all of this. I love this series, and i get a tremendous amount of enjoyment out of both watching it, and trying figure it out. That doesn't mean i don't appreciate the humor in how many times i have purchased the same series over the years.

I think I'm going to go watch some Evangelion now. Between trying to remember all the versions i bought, and finding the images for the blog, I got in the mood to watch some. At the end of this feel free to enjoy the trailer for Evangelion 2.0...

Microphone In The Trees

2010-03-04T00:07:00.002-05:00

I haven't ever hid the fact that i adore live A Silver Mt Zion. Not only is this an excellent video of them live, it's also from a show i was at. It was hot. Really hot. I've rarely ever sweat that much at one time. It was well worth it.

For those unfamiliar with this music, be patient with it. Ephrim's voice takes some getting used to. Those used to traditional/pop song structures may take longer to warm to it. Those used to crisp, clean, very produced sounds may cringe initially, but i promise if you get it the right amount of time, you will discover wonder and beauty in their music...

My New Song

2010-03-03T22:48:00.003-05:00

I can't think of better lyrics to jump start the "new" blog. If you have never heard of Greg Laswell, i heartily recommend finding some of his songs...

Who would've ever known it could be this easy
I was a long, long way off

And just like that it's over
Everything that I knew of love
I was a long, long way off

And I think I like how the day sounds
Like how the day sounds through this new song

Thank you for opening the window
The sky is clear as my mind is now
I was a long, long way off

Join me in welcoming the sun in
It's much brighter than the night I hid in
I was a long, long way off

And I think I like how the day sounds
Like how the day sounds through this new song

From a long way down
Yeah, it's well worth the time that it's taken to get here now

So go ahead and bang a gong
Nothing can drown out the sound of the whisper of my love

And I think I like how the day sounds through this new song

And the lines have all been drawn
I know where I belong, where I belong

Oh, won't you sing along?
Oh my love, won't you sing along?

Blog 2.0

2010-03-01T11:38:00.003-05:00

If i have any readers left they may have noticed that i haven't blogged a lot recently. Darn happiness! I spent so much time blogging about so much negative trying-to-find-the-right-relationship kinda stuff, that i think i forgot how to blog happily. I forgot how this can be a forum to dwell, through writing, on all the wonders in life, and explore the many, many things in life that make me happy.

I'm going to fix that, and I'm going to try and reboot my blog.

I really feel like my life is heading in a new direction, with lots of huge changes ahead. I'm looking forward to all the changes, and chronicling them all here.

I was toying with the idea of starting a brand new blog. The idea of all the old emotional maudlin stuff from the past few years hanging on here is unsavory to me, but starting a brand new blog isn't optimal either. I might just go back through and unpublish a majority of my past bad relationship, over emotional, ramblings. They are an important documentation for my own personal uses, but i don't think they are really appropriate in a public format any longer.

So if anyone is still reading, the new blog starts now. Thanks for sticking around through the tough times. I think there is a lot of good times ahead!

Wilco Again!

2010-02-25T21:58:00.003-05:00

I was lucky enough to get to see Wilco again for the 2nd time in 7 months. I'm still convinced they are best American rock band touring. The show was in Hamilton at one of my favorite theatres, which was a plus. Add the fact that Wilco was kind enough to play my request (Poor Places), and I was a very happy concert goer.

Set List:

Wilco the Song
Bull Black Nova
I am Trying to Break your Heart
One Wing
You Are My Face
Company in my Back
Shot in the Arm
What's the World Got in Store
Deeper Down
Impossible Germany
When the Roses Bloom Again
Handshake Drugs
You Never Know
Jesus Etc
Poor Places
Reservations
Spiders (Kidsmoke)
Hummingbird

Encore:

Broken Arrow
Via Chicago
California Stars
Box Full of Letters
Hate It Here
The Late Greats
Walken
I'm the Man who Loves You

Happy

2010-02-10T13:36:00.001-05:00

I think i spent so long blogging miserably that i have forgotten how to blog happily. I hope i figure it out because i miss blogging.

The New Year

2010-01-07T15:23:00.002-05:00

Happy 2010 everyone! I don't know about everyone else, but my new year started full of promise and excitement, with a optimism that only a new year can bring. I spent a quiet night with my special someone, and one of her family members, watched a local ball drop and saw a fireworks display, and eventually wound the beginning of the new year down playing some games.

It was a great way to bring in the new year, and an amazing person to ring it in with!

2010 is looking like it's going to be a lot of fun. On the music side of things i have shows lined up to see Wilco in February (and possibly again in April), Matthew Good in March, Silver Mt Zion in May (With a new album in Feb), and U2 twice in July. I also have a trip planned to San Diego in March. It's my first time to California, so I'm really looking forward to it.

I'm also looking forward to positive changes on the job front. My boss and I are working to implement some changes for our department that will hopefully make us a better asset to the company, and more efficient on a daily basis. Maybe I'll get to work on finishing my degree this year as well?

Looking forward to growth and healing for friends and family. Nothing heals better than time, so I'm eager to see another year of healing for my friends who need it. I'm sure I also have healing left to do as well, there is always room for growth and improvement in myself. I'm looking forward to another year of growth with my niece and nephew! Watching them grow up is hands down one of my purest joys in life.

Lastly, but certainly not least, I'm eager to see what a year with bring with my girlfriend and I. We are already enjoying weaving our day to day lives together a bit as we get to know each other more and more. I don't think i have ever had a relationship that was so intensive on my social calendar. This is a good thing! Our friends and family can't seem to get enough of our company so we are always fielding invites for get togethers. As for the girlfriend herself, well.... It amazes me that it can be this easy. She is kind, smart, funny, loves music, and understands what is important in life and relationships. I'm not letting this one get away! ;)

Kollaps Tradixionales

2009-12-28T13:32:00.000-05:00

Music Makes Me Smile

2009-12-28T13:02:00.002-05:00

This morning i watched some music related items that i had DVR'd. First up was Okkervil River playing on Austin City Limits. After playing a great version of LOst Coastlines (Complete with Jonathan Meiburg), they played an *excellent* moody, piano driven, feedback laden version of For Real. That was worth the price of admission all by itself. Then they ended with two more songs, Our Life Is Not a Movie or Maybe, and Unless it's Kicks. All good choices!

Then i watched the end of the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame 25th Anniversary concert. U2 played 7 songs, and while the songs they did by themselves were mostly "safe" choices (Vertigo and Beautiful Day), they did play a nice version of Magnificent. Such a good song that the general music fan probably doesn't know. The real fun however was the songs they played with others. U2 and Bruce Springsteen doing a rendition of I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For; Bruce, and Patti Smith joining U2 for Because The Night; Fergie, Will I am, and Mick Jagger doing Gimmie Shelter with U2, and a version of Stuck In A Moment with Bono and Mick Jagger dueting. Good Times.

All this stuff makes me excited about a good year of live music in 2010. Already have Wilco lined up for February, Matthew Good in March, and U2 twice in July. Looking forward to all the fun more concerts that may show themselves as the year starts. A Silver MT Zion releases a new album in February so I'll be crossing my fingers for a tour. *Nothing* is quite like live Silver Mt Zion...

Overwhelmed, Undeserving, Overjoyed

2009-12-28T12:40:00.003-05:00

This Christmas was truly one of overwhelming emotions. I've never considered myself someone disconnected from the meaning and experience of family, but this year I have the pleasure of learning about it like it was a brand new experience for me. Watching my niece and nephew get brought into this world, seeing them grow and learn, and getting to be a part of their lives has been an eye opening, and heart opening, experience for me. Truly, they bless my lives on a daily basis. Sharing a Christmas with them was wonderful. Seeing my niece especially take joy in small things, little gifts, and people who love her was incredible. Next year I'll get to see her brother go through it all a bit himself. Can't wait...

Also in the area of overwhelming emotions was meeting someone who connected to me on such a deep level, it's hard for me to believe. I'm no stranger to relationships, or to meeting new people. I'm even not that big of a stranger of quick connections to people on occasion, but this.... is different. This is amazing to me because some of the connections that are already there are the kind that i have spent months, even years, in previous relationships trying to cultivate with little success. Here i find these connections attached seamlessly and tightly, as if they were not trying to connect, but some long long parts that were disconnected and finally back together.

I do not know what i did to deserve finding a woman like this, but i hope to treat her with the respect, attention, and love that she most definitely deserves.

And I'll cross my fingers that she will care for the man inside even after seeing all my rougher edges.

The Christmas wasn't all good as we were forced to see a great musical flame extinguished and say goodbye to Vic Chesnutt. My prayers are with his family and loved ones. I know they must have seen a lot by his side. Hopefully all the music he left behind will continue to bring them comfort. The duality of holidays forces us to both take joy in the blessings we have, and remember those we care about that we cannot touch.

Merry Christmas Vic....

2009-12-25T09:26:00.001-05:00

I'm praying for you....

So The Prudent Thing to Do...

2009-12-21T01:05:00.002-05:00

...would be to not get too excited. But seriously, how can a man not be excited after a night like that?!

Wow.

Loved Ones

2009-12-19T01:03:00.002-05:00

Saw so many wonderful old friends tonight. I love that we still get together. I love that some of the distant ones have moved closer to home. Thank you all for tonight, these nights are more healing to me than you'll ever know.

Also, met an *awesome* girl last night. If i met more girls like this, i would like dating more. I think I'll just focus on enjoying this one for now. 2nd date on Sunday. Wish me luck!

Sickness....

2009-12-15T14:56:00.002-05:00

I've been sick the past few days, but I'm getting ready to head into work. Still trying to shake a funk that is deeper than physical illness. Rejection, be it subtle and perceived, or outright in my face has been high lately and i think it got to me. Hopefully i will start dealing with it better from here on out.

I'm not really sure where to go from here?

The Lost Art Of Mending Wings

2009-12-10T23:52:00.001-05:00

The lost art of mending wings
Is on my mind tonight
I don't need to know the secrets
If you fly to me by accident
My smile will be just as genuine

Again...

2009-12-10T22:53:00.003-05:00

You're out the door now
I can hear you hailing a cab
Hasn't this happened before?
Haven't we done this dance?

You resist all my efforts to analyze
I'm troubled by this repetition
You are legion, you are many
But my arms are empty, so you might as well be one

Too much me?
Too little.... not me?
I wish i knew
This lost romantic is scratching his head

Did i push my flowers on you too hard?
Was that card the last straw?
Did the morning bun miss the mark?
Would my indifference have stoked your desire longer?

Why do i even type these things...
Send them into the ether as if it will come back
Telling me something that will surprise me
Nothing comes back, i remain unsurprised

I promise I'm not angry with you
I made my bed, I'll sleep in it alone
If I'm angry it will be at myself
for not deciphering this shadow sabotage within me

As usual i wonder what you are doing
Tonight you are blonde, curvy, funny
Last night you were a pixie redhead
Tomorrow night i won't recognize you

Slap me when you see me
Remind me what I'm doing
Or tell me for the first time
I promise i wont listen to you

Dirty Day

2009-12-06T10:04:00.001-05:00

"You can hold onto something so tight, you've already lost it."

Patrick is letting go...

Jack's Valentine - For Robyn

2009-12-06T00:39:00.000-05:00

Help me. Spread my table.
I’ve been tryin’ but I’m just not able.
There’s so much left inside,
so very much I’ve been tryin’ to hide.
Life gets pretty heavy and I wish it was light,
but after all I love the night.
and there’s that word again.
I still hear it every now and again.

I breathe you ‘cause you help me forget
everything I don’t know about love yet.
I need you ‘cause you help me forget,
yeah, you help me forget.
I drink you ‘cause you help me to see
it’s mostly myself that’s killin’ me.
I think I have to, to help me forget
everything I don’t know about love yet.

Someone said these were the best days,
best days of our life.
I suppose there could be worse ways,
worse ways to learn to cry.
And if these should be the last days,
the last days for you and I,
I suppose this is the best way,
best way to say goodbye.

I breathe you ‘cause you help me forget
everything I don’t know about love yet.
I need you ‘cause you help me forget,
yeah, you help me forget.
I drink you ‘cause you help me to see
it’s mostly myself that’s killin’ me.
I think I have to, to help me forget
everything I don’t know about love yet.

It snows in here. It snows forever,
but there’s no Christmas underneath this weather.
When it blows here and gets real cold,
I wanna trip myself and fall upon your fabulous sword
and move here by the stained-glass window.
Forget about the inside ghetto.
Down here on the hardwood floor,
the lines on the ceiling start to swim once more
like a cheap Renoir, a fake Van Gogh,
a pop Monet, a blue Degas.
I breathe you. I need you. Ah...

The Jouney into Ambiguity

2009-12-04T22:28:00.005-05:00

I know it's been a little while since i put anything of substance on here. I've been busy with life, which i suppose is a good thing. This past week i worked on my days off so i could take a few days off and head downstate to where i used to live and went to college. It was fun to see all the old sights, see a lot of old friends, and just enjoy a place that i lived for so long.

It was also nice to spend time with a new friend, and see some great music. Seeing an artist that you have a connection with is always exciting, but even nicer when you can add to it finding a new artist that you make a connection with as well. So many of the musicians that i listen to i got into via another musician, either because one was the opener for another, or because someone i like worked with them, or even due to a musician i enjoy talking about an artist in an interview. This time it was seeing an opener that was terrific.

The company was great as well. Sadly geography dictates that i wont get to hang out with this person nearly as much as their awesomeness would normally dictate, but hopefully we will bump into each other from time to time. It's always fun to meet new people, especially those who are fairly laid back and know how to just enjoy people. I hope she knows how much i enjoyed her company and appreciated her understanding.

It's not often that i undate a date, but that's what happened here. The evening was planned as a date, and surely would have been a good one, but i just felt i wasn't in the position to treat it like a date.

Which means that my heart has said that it had found someone it wanted to pursue more than all the rest, but life hadn't caught up to speed yet. Which i suppose is the way it always happens.

It is of course one of the most tenuous positions to be in.

It's also one i apparently dislike a great deal if my history of moving out of this spot with incredible velocity is any indication.

I suppose since i am trying to grow as a person, and relationships are an area of tremendous focus for me, it would good for me to not listen to my usual instincts in this spot. In previous times, this totally brings out my fight or flight type of responses. The uncertainly leads me to seek clarification, whatever the cost. My need to remove the ambiguity is so strong that i am usually willing to sabotage the whole situation, if that's what it takes to find clarity, even the clarity that comes from a negative outcome.

Maybe i need to learn to be ok with the ambiguity for awhile. To even embrace it a bit?

As i typed that i felt a cold chill come over me. You have no idea how much those words are the antithesis of how my mind functions!

Even as i am interested in the concept of embracing ambiguity, my mind winces just trying to understand the practical side of it. How do i make decisions, how do i act accordingly, if everything is ambiguous? How do you take a step forward when you don't know which direction you are going?

Maybe these are the times i need to stop trying to get somewhere and just *be* where i am. Of course, the ambiguity means that sometimes i don't even know where it is that i am, let alone where i am going.

Is it any wonder i usually work so hard to avoid this?

Not Quitting My Day Job

2009-11-21T20:45:00.003-05:00

My poetry is still exceedingly sub par. That's really ok. I like the process of writing it. Squeezing my brain around word choices. Laughing and groaning at my overblown, over emotional, output. I think if i were to go back to college i would take a poetry class, not so much reading but writing. Are those different classes? It would be the hardest class i ever took. I can't imagine trying to get one out, poetically speaking, in an academic environment.

The fact that my poems always suck seems so irrelevant to me. By the time i, or anyone else, is reading them, I have gotten all i need from them. Anything else at that point is just for fun. I wonder if poets ever feel the same way? Once you finish that piece, and you know you have gotten out what you had inside to say, does having someone else read it even matter?

Not that it isn't fun. Knowing someone else is seeing those silly things that you felt strong enough about to try and disguise on one hand, and show with uncompromising vulnerability with the other. It's kind of like emotional flashing. All these symbols and words being used to cover up your most naked feelings, with these rare moments of verbal lucidity to expose it all, before covering it just as quickly.

I guess that makes sense. Blogging, especially this king of blogging, is just emotional exhibitionism at it's heart.

I'm thankful for all my emotional voyeurs =)

The Blood of Eden

2009-11-12T09:58:00.001-05:00

I caught sight of my reflection
I caught it in the window
I saw the darkness in my heart
I saw the signs of my undoing
They had been there from the start
And the darkness still has work to do

The Reader

2009-11-01T10:22:00.002-05:00

"Did [she] ever acknowledge the effect she had on your life?"

"Well, she had done much worse to other people."

Sometimes it amazes me how self centered, how self absorbed we are as people. While those terms have such negative connotations attached to them culturally, I suppose it's no big surprise. We are wired that way. Our lives, our experiences, are the only ones we truly know. We have no choice but to view the world and life through the infinitely minuscule sliver of perspective that is our own existence.

I suppose then that is the value, and the challenge, of things like empathy, and seeing things through the eyes of others.

Is it any wonder we spent so long assuming the sun revolved around the Earth? Deep down we all assume that everyone revolves around us, especially when we sleep.

It's no wonder that my definition of love has evolved the way it has. What in life has value more than stepping out from underneath the veil of "me" that we are all born and live under?

Send The Pain Below

2009-10-31T22:46:00.003-04:00

This has been the worst week in a long while. I look at my heart tonight and wonder if i have undone all the improvement i did over the past few months. I wonder if i really improved at all? Maybe i lied the way we all do, at least when we do it right. We lie to ourselves so the words that come out of our mouth are truth to us.

Self deception.

I dunno. I've been so good at saying the right things. *Doing* the right things on some level. I faced the test this week that i knew i would have to face eventually. I ran into.... her. We talked. I said all the right things. I smiled, but not too much. I didn't say anything angry. I didn't say anything snide. I didn't tell her i missed her. I didn't ask her why. I didn't try to hurt her, like she hurt me.

But what does it matter? A moral victory. A little feather in my cap that at the end of the day doesn't mean anything when everyone leaves for the night.

I can say the right things to her when i sit across a Starbucks table unexpectedly on a Tuesday afternoon. When will my heart start saying the right things to me when only i can hear it.

It probably didn't help that i saw her *again* today. At least this time she didn't see me.

It also probably didn't help that i chose to go the way home that takes me right by her new house. Looks like she had a pretty festive Halloween party going on.

Sigh. Why cant we speed up the healing of the heart?

Tonight i could actually feel rage. Those of you who know me, probably know rage isn't really an emotion i struggle with. Tonight i felt it. For a few minutes i could feel it inside, building, aimed at her squarely. But after a few minutes it changed direction. It found a better target. The rage looked squarely are me.

Sure i can be angry at someone else for their decisions and actions. That's easy. In the end that only serves to give me an excuse to ignore my actions and my decisions. That's all that i can control. Me. Patrick. My choices.

I wish i could say i have it all figured out. Most days i feel more lost than ever. I sit and talk to my arborist. I read about my shadow. I take time to be quiet. But i don't have it figured out. As soon as something stokes the fire, I'm helpless to do anything but burn.

Tonight i smolder. A week of sparks i couldn't defend. I smiled and looked fine, all the while my back was burning.

I wonder if everyone saw the smoke?

I Think I Preferred a Joyless Existance

2009-10-29T00:35:00.003-04:00

Sorry the original thoughts have been scarce as of late. Just processing the unexpected. When the processes gets a little further I'm sure the words will start flowing.

The dam is surely getting ready to break....

Wrong Time

2009-10-29T00:34:00.001-04:00

You're so red in the eyes
Either too low or too high
When I met you,
You were sick but you did not know why

I was a pretty poor cure
But my love for you was always sure
The bucket was broken
But the water was pure

Leave

2009-10-28T00:00:00.000-04:00

I can't wait forever is all that you said
Before you stood up
And you won't disappoint me
I can do that myself
But I'm glad that you've come
Now if you don't mind

Leave, leave,
And free yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
I don't understand, you've already gone

And I hope you feel better
Now that it's out
What took you so long
And the truth has a habit
Of falling out of your mouth
But now that it's come
If you don't mind

Leave, leave,
And please yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you have to now
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you came to now
Leave, leave,
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you have to now
Leave, leave...

I Never Wanted You

2009-10-25T23:09:00.000-04:00

I never wanted you
I never wanted to
I know I told you I did
In front of witnesses
And then we lit one wick
But now I get my kicks

I know you never suspected
Because I never said
Baby I was faking the whole time
How could you ever have guessed it?
With no accomplices,
Baby, I was faking the whole time

You know it isn't like me to be
Inflammatory
But rather than let you think that I was
So naive, I'd have you believe

I never wanted you
I never wanted you
You never had my heart
Our love was never true

I know you never suspected
Because I never said, but
Baby, I was faking the whole time
How could you ever have guessed it?
With no accomplices,
Baby, I was faking the whole time

No we never connected
You only thought we did
Baby, I was faking the whole time

Autumn is in Full Gust

2009-10-12T12:13:00.004-04:00

You would think with my love for Autumn and all things melancholy, I would be blogging up a storm, but as of yet, not so much. It isn't that life hasn't been interesting, it's just been lived more than it's been blogged about. I'll try to find a better balance, though a quick glance across my blog seems to show that i was out of balance on the *over* blogging side for awhile. Maybe i was just balancing things out long term?

Dating has been adventuresome. There was the girl who kind of reminded me of a white Oprah (not physically, just personality somehow), the girl i thought was really impressive that gave me a handshake at the end of the date and told me i wasn't her type, the girl with the pink hair who mentioned my father during the date without knowing he was my dad and referred to him as "Uncle Carl", and finally the girl i went on 2 great dates with that i really like that i haven't seen in almost a month as she is too busy to really get together.

Feel free to laugh a little. I do it all the time.

What's up next? Gosh, maybe the Art Therapist? The mom who makes pottery? The girl who told me about her glow in the dark pumpkin panties? A 3rd date with the girl i really like? Sigh, the last choice is the *best* choice, and the least likely choice. Why am i so attracted to people who seem totally unable to handle a stable relationship when i meet them?

3rd date girl is the probably one of the funniest humans i have ever met. Funny in a I can't believe she just said that, that's so inappropriate, my god i am tremendously attracted to her, kinda way. That's the best way of course. She needs to get off her ass and free herself for a third date with me! Seriously. Also, killer eyes and smile. I'm not too hard to please if you have those things going for you...

Alright, enough dating stuff, it is what it is.

I'm starting to compile my spreadsheet for my Top 30 albums of the year. I'm listening to the new Matthew Good CD "Vancouver" that was imported from Canada for me yesterday. Sounds like it's top 20 at least, but hard to tell this early on. More spins to come.

Any good albums come out this year that my blog readers think i should be considering?

Whistling Girl

2009-10-05T17:26:00.003-04:00

A whistling girl
Among his flock of sheep
Lay breathing backward rest assured
Of Elijah and gods birds

It will fall to us
It will fall to us

Inside the home the folk pine grow
Where hearts are fire sparks are thrown
Is all that glitters
This terrible weakness

It falls to us
It falls to us
From his holy hill
By his perfect will

Through the open window of the
Soul tonight
His yolk is easy and his burden light
Kiss the sun lest he be angry
And you perish in the way

The rivers of the sky are dry
A roll up like a scroll
Down below
We tend to the forgetting
Forgetting what we know
The sun slips from your shoulder
As you enter in the wood
Without thought of thorns

Holding Patterns

2009-10-02T19:10:00.003-04:00

I like to think I'm pretty good at dating. I certainly have a decent amount of practice at it. The fact is though, I'm only marginally good at it, and only on the outside. What i mean is that i think I'm good at planning a date, showing up punctually, picking good places to go, making good conversation, saying enough funny things, coming up with additional things to do on the fly, etc.

But inside i seem to be wrecked with crippling self doubt. This is a little new. Don't get me wrong, I've always struggled with doubt when it came to possible burgeoning relationships, but lately it's worse.

Sigh, and i suppose i know why.

But the why doesn't matter. I need to overcome it if I'm going to find a way through the woods that is dating to a healthy destination on the other side.

I've discovered that i lack patience in dating. I want to be in a relationship. I want something that feels good to accelerate into a relationship. As soon as i sense a girl that i think has potential has done something, that i perceive at least, to be a step backwards or slower than a pace that feels normal, I'm consumed with doubt. Does she not like me? Does she like someone else better? Maybe she is just going out with me to be nice? Maybe she is just trying to find a way to tell me she doesn't want to go out anymore, or is hoping I'll just wander off from lack of her communication.

Ugh, all that thinking is insufferable to read, even for me. I apologize to anyone reading this, but those are the thoughts that have been going through my head. All because the girl i like hasn't been quite as communicative with me as i expect of someone who is interested in me.

Of course the problem is pretty deep.

I'm reading a book that is designed to educate you about your "shadow self", your unconscious being that operates under the surface, separate from your ego, with own agenda, frequently with little connection to what our conscious self desires. It's a difficult read, both because it's so dense, and because it challenges you constantly to look at things about yourself that your brain is *constantly trying to avoid looking at*.

For example, it points out that one of the reasons our relationships are so difficult is that they "...carry, or suffer, the burden of our chief fantasy, namely, that the magical "other" will fix things for us, render our life meaningful, heal our wounds, and help us avoid the task of growing up and facing the huge existential vacuum that all conscious souls must engage".

Or phrased another way: "None of us is free of the deep, archaic fantasy that the other will make our life work for us, offer meaning, bring relief to our prior wounds, and, if we are luck, spare us the burden of growing up and taking our life on."

That.... might be true. Dammit!

"The shadow task here is daunting, for it means that one has to step into the places of doubt and anxiety, one has to accept the larger definition of oneself, and one has to accept finally that we are all alone, radically alone, and never more so than when in relationship with another."

Clearly i have much work ahead of me. As much as i don't want to accept this stuff, i know it to be true. I can feel it in all the areas i don't like. I look back on my previous relationship and i can see all the areas of my life that i felt were finally fulfilled due to me placing them at the feet of my partner. Taking all the things i struggle with, thinking she was strong in those areas and happily giving them over to her, thinking i was doing what people do in relationships; compliment each other. When she left me, i blamed her for all those areas feeling so empty again, instead of blaming myself for trying to have another fill my needs for me.

"We find it easier to blame our partners than to grow up, to recognize that we are the only ones present in each scene of that long running drama we call our life."

I see it in my dating. Why am i *so* eager to jump into a new relationship? So i can stop dealing with my pain. So i can forget my pain and start to instead enjoy a new person to place my hopes and dreams upon. What a vicious cycle.

And yet there is a balance. Being in a relationship isn't all bad, there are benefits and natural desires that are made for relationships.

The question is.... How do i grow up? How do i make myself whole regardless of my relationship status?

Did i mention i have a lot of work to do?

Happy Birthday...

2009-09-24T23:58:00.002-04:00

... but i don't want to think about you anymore. Leave me, please.

What a beautiful moment
The truth comes out at last
Once your heart would own me forever
Then this passed
And what a beautiful moment
As my heard comes apart
Drunk and in a manner of saying, wasted

'Cause you don't love me
You don't love me
You can't see how I matter in this world
Even though I loved you
You can't believe that
If you find something
You think might make you happy
Then I guess it's okay, I think it's okay
If you go away

Blown right out of my senses
I did not know what to do
Lost and badly wanting someone
To see me through
That's why I needed you

But you don't love me, you don't love me
You can't see how I matter in this world
Even though I loved you
You can't believe that
You think that leaving
Is what will make you happy
Then I guess it's okay, I think it's okay
If you go away

'Cause you don't love me
You don't love me
You can't see how I matter in this world
Even though I loved you
You can't believe that
You think that leaving
Is what will make you happy
Then I guess it's okay, I think it's okay
If you go away
'Cause you don't love me
You don't love me...

My U2 Concert History

2009-09-23T00:56:00.003-04:00

Since Ive been to 14 U2 shows, i thought i would reflect back on how many shows I have seen of each tour, and how many times in those 14 shows I've seen each song played.

Zoo TV - One Show
PopMart -Two Shows
Elevation - Seven Shows
Vertigo - Two Shows
360 - Two Shows (So far, the rumor is more North American shows in 2010)

The Songs:

All 14 Shows:

Where The Streets Have No Name
One

12 Times:

Until The End of The World
Bullet The Blue Sky
Pride

11 Times:

Sunday Bloody Sunday
Beautiful Day
Elevation

10 Times:

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
With or Without You

9 Times:

Stuck In A Moment
Walk On

8 Times:

I Will Follow
Mysterious Ways

7 Times:

Kite
New York

6 Times:

New Year's Day
Angel Of Harlem
Bad

5 Times:

Stay (Faraway, So Close)
The Fly
Even Better Than The Real Thing
Gone

4 Times:

Please
What's Going On
City of Blinding Lights
Vertigo

3 Times:

All I Want Is You
Desire
Staring At The Sun
Discotheque
Peace On Earth

2 Times:

Mofo
Last Night On Earth
If God Will Send His Angels
If You Wear That Velvet Dress
Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me
In A Little While
Out Of Control
The Ocean
Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
Love and Peace or Else
Miss Sarajevo
Yahweh
40
Breathe
No Line On The Horizon
Get On Your Boots
Magnificent
Unknown Caller
The Unforgettable Fire
I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight
MLK
Ultraviolet
Moment of Surrender
Miami

Songs I've Only Seen Once out of 14 Shows:

Zoo Station
Whiskey In The Jar
Trying To Throw Your Arms Around The World
When Love Comes to Town
Satellite of Love
Running to Stand Still
Love is Blindness
Can't Help Falling in Love
Sweet Caroline
New York New York
I Remember You
People Get Ready
The Elctric Co
Miracle Drug
All Because Of You
Fast Cars
Gloria
Original of The Species
Instant Karma
Your Blue Room

U2 - Toronto 360 Shows

2009-09-22T23:44:00.002-04:00

I was lucky enough to see U2 twice last week in Toronto, making them my 13th and 14th U2 shows of all time. How blessed am i get to see a band this good so many times? The new tour is excellent visually. Set lists are average at best (most nights), but I'm partial to 90's U2 which is strangely the least represented area in most night's setlists.

Still excellent though.

Highlights of night one were seeing "Your Blue Room" played for only the 2nd time ever, "Until The End of The World" (my favorite song of all time my any artist, a staple on most U2 tours, but a rarity on this one), and Stay.

First night had the better setlist, but i was in the nosebleeds (still good on this tour). 2nd night removed a bunch of good songs (Until The End of The World, Stay, and Your Blue Room) and replaced them with average ones (New Year's Day, Stuck in A Moment, and Mysterious Ways. Ok, Mysterious Ways isnt average), but being on the field was excellent regardless of song choices.

Full Setlists and pictures follow....

Night One:

1. Breathe
2. No Line On The Horizon
3. Get On Your Boots
4. Magnificent
5. Beautiful Day / Alison (snippet)
6. I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
7. Elevation
8. Your Blue Room
9. Unknown Caller
10. Until The End Of The World
11. Stay (Faraway, So Close!)
12. The Unforgettable Fire
13. City Of Blinding Lights
14. Vertigo / Pump It Up (snippet)
15. I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight / Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough (snippet)
16. Sunday Bloody Sunday / Oliver's Army (snippet)
17. MLK
18. Walk On
19. One / Amazing Grace (snippet)
20. Where The Streets Have No Name

encore(s):
21. Ultra Violet (Light My Way)
22. With Or Without You
23. Moment of Surrender

Night Two:

1. Breathe
2. No Line On The Horizon
3. Get On Your Boots
4. Magnificent
5. Mysterious Ways / Norwegian Wood (snippet)
6. Beautiful Day / The Maker (snippet)
7. Elevation
8. I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For / Movin' On Up (snippet)
9. Unknown Caller
10. New Year's Day
11. Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of
12. The Unforgettable Fire
13. City Of Blinding Lights
14. Vertigo
15. I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight / Two Tribes (snippet)
16. Sunday Bloody Sunday / Rock The Casbah (snippet)
17. MLK
18. Walk On
19. One / Amazing Grace (snippet)
20. Where The Streets Have No Name

encore(s):
21. Ultra Violet (Light My Way)
22. With Or Without You
23. Moment of Surrender

Tonight...

2009-09-16T13:10:00.002-04:00

A Little More

2009-09-13T13:12:00.004-04:00

I say goodbye to you every day
Each day i mean it a little more
Don't you know you were everything to me?
I know, i know
Each day i realize a little more
I was never everything to you
Just another in the long line
The walking wounded all over the Queen City
Wondering and remembering
Trying to figure out where they went wrong
What was i thinking when we said hello?
Did i know with my hands on your belly
Did i know this would be my fate?
It's too late now
To wonder if i should have fought
I know it would have been for naught
But men are taught to fight fight fight
Now i need to let you go
More than put your things in boxes
More than talk the talk with my friends
To close your door in my heart
To tell you no when you ask me back in my dreams
To say yes when someone in the waking hours asks me to take a chance
The last goodbye takes a long time
Walk this road with me one more time
Let me let go of your hand
Let me drop this flower
Let me remember you with a smile, and not these tears

A Broken Heart Seeks Its Own Continued Demise

2009-09-09T09:54:00.002-04:00

It's been a rough week for me, and it's mostly my fault. Heartbreak has bitten a little deeper this week than in weeks past, and yesterday i did something silly. Thankfully it was something i did while i was alone (No surprise visits to exes or anything), but it was still a bad idea. Sometimes when the person you want to be with most is the person you have the least interaction with, you choose the worst things to look at, just to feel, even for a moment, like you are still a part of their life. Sad, i know.

But what is done is done. All i can do now i learn from it, and hope that in the long run, my slight reopening of my emotional wound will accelerate my healing. I know I'll heal eventually. Right?

The week looks interesting. Hopefully some socializing that doesn't involve co-workers, family, or my best friend. Not that i don't enjoy all of them, but I'd like something a little more interesting this week. We'll see what happens...

The Things We Do For Love

2009-09-06T13:48:00.004-04:00

I brought you lemonade
I turned off the evil light
But made sure your kitchen guardian shined
That was how i loved you

I rubbed your back after it was turned on me
Made it so you could fall asleep smiling
Kept your feet from icy fates
That was how i loved you

When i put that medicine in your fridge
I know you felt violated
Your personal space sacrificed
That was how i loved you

Mary said we would wed
I was just happy next to you
Me with your camera, you in that Jeep
That was how i loved you

When i went to see old blue eyes
Just to see your friend
And meet your boss
That was how i loved you

I listened to your voice
And adored the sparkle in your eyes
When you spoke about the dead
That was how i loved you

I folded you those napkins
And made you reach for tissues
I bought you Kleenex and milk
That was how i loved you

I turned down my music
I ignored the cold war kids
I let my little one fend for herself
That was how i loved you

I knew that you could do it
Anything you wanted
You loved and hated my encouragement
That was how i loved you

I tried to take away your coldies
Gave you all the rubbies i could
Trying to be as cuties as possible
That was how i loved you.

I gave you all i had left
I knew you were the one
It's yours now, i don't know how to get it back
That was how i loved you

Now i am alone
My heart remembers helplessly
Yours feels nothing anymore
And i sit, my memories a prison

No ring on your phone
No knock on your door
No reminders to you of soul stamping kisses
This is how i love you.

I always will.

Keep on Keeping on

2009-09-05T08:26:00.002-04:00

My arborist has encouraged me to continue dating, even though having 3 dates last week seemed to have a negative effect on me rather than a positive. I'll try and sneak in a casual first date before the long weekend is over, and I'll even do it on this side of the border.

Again, wish me luck...

I suppose it could be that I'm really not ready to be dating yet, as much as I'm loathing being alone?

10 Essential Songs on my 33rd Birthday

2009-09-01T09:33:00.000-04:00

Since I'm turning 33 today, i thought i would make a collection of 10 songs that i couldn't imagine living without. These aren't my 10 favorite songs of all time or anything, just a musical snapshot of myself on my birthday. I don't like receiving gifts, but i like giving them. Hopefully, if you take the time to read and listen to some of the songs, you'll find one that becomes essential to you as well. I couldn't imagine a better gift.

1. Josh Ritter - The Temptation of Adam: This is pretty much my favorite song right now. I listen to it all the time. Josh has a way with words that consistently enthralls me. All of his stuff is stellar, but this song holds an extra special in my heart. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvCeCVmJAUA

2. Over The Rhine - Latter Days: I'm not known for my enjoyment of happy songs, i tend to gravitate toward melancholy, at least musically. One of the most beautiful songs ever written, sung by one of the most beautiful voices ever. I have more live versions of this song than i can count, but it never feels like enough. Sometimes this song gets me a little teary. I'm man enough to admit that. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftnjUpoCHAg

3. Okkervil River - Lost Coastlines: If you have seen my last.fm page you know how much i listen to Okkervil River. I never tire of this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ge-Cz1xCGU

4. Metric - Hustle Rose: I go to a *lot* of concerts, but I'm not much of dancer. I'm a toe tapper, and even a swayer sometimes, but dancing is incredibly rare. When i saw this song live i *had* to dance. I don't know how you could not. If Emily Haines wants to have dinner with me, i would be ok with that. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LttiMHBpv28

5. Neko Case - This Tornado Loves You: What could be better than a song about a tornado ravenously searching for it's lover? Not much. =) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FhVbyeWFvo

6. Sigur Ros - Untitled #8 (Popplagið): One of the most amazing songs ever. I really want to go to Iceland. Like, this weekend. Anyone want to come with? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8jmLec_wEc

7. A Silver Mt Zion - Blindblindblind: This is only the 2nd half of this song, but it's a long song and the ending is musically earth shattering for me. There are very few bands who make me feel as blessed to be alive as Silver Mt Zion does when I'm lucky enough to be in the same room as them when they are making music. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tH4pnlS230A

8. Explosions in The Sky - Memorial: I know instrumental music isn't for everyone, but some of the songs that meet me most deeply are those without lyrics. This is one of those songs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twsHr554PPI

9. Wilco - Jesus, Etc: Everyone should go see Wilco. They might be the best American live rock band playing right now. Our love is all of God's money indeed. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dhBrpV78BE

10. Magnolia Electric Co - Riding With the Ghost: "I've been riding with the ghost, I've been doing whatever he told me. I've been looking door to door to see if there was someone who'd hold me. Never met a single one who didn't see through me, none of them would love me if they thought they might lose me." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jt3f9FH4bgY

A Day After A Day in Toronto

2009-08-31T11:01:00.002-04:00

I have a love/hate relationship with dating. I love it. And i really really hate it.

Nice date yesterday. Girl far exceeded my expectations, which were pretty high. I don't think i met hers. Maybe i did, women can be hard to read. I think i can however at least read that much.

Such is life.

Day off today. Might go sit by the lake. Read a lot. Listen to music. Thai food later with the family. I get to see my niece. That's always a good thing.

I have someone to pray for today that means the world to me. I hope she will be ok. I hope my prayers help. I hope she knows how i feel...

A Day in Toronto...

2009-08-30T01:09:00.001-04:00

With a very interesting girl tomorrow. Wish me luck.

The Courtship of Eve

2009-08-25T23:04:00.010-04:00

The song i posted below is far and away my favorite song right now. I listen to it all the time. I love the word choices, like i do in Leonard Cohen songs. The words just feel right. Some of the lines are some of my all time favorites in *any* song.

I mean, "I think about you leaving now and the avalanche cascades, and my eyes get washed away in chain reactions". How perfect is that?

And don't even get me started on "You told me of your flash of inspiration, you said fusion was the broken heart that's lonely only thought, and all night long you drove me wild with your equations". Just brilliant.

But after all these listens something else came through the words. I started thinking about Adam and Eve.

Sometimes the most interesting parts of the Bible for me are the parts that aren't mentioned. After all, Jesus lived for 33 years and we have (aside from the birth narrative, and a few odds and ends) 3 years of it chronicled. And even then, of those three years we get a peek at maybe 75 days or so. There is ton about the most important person in the Bible that we never read about.

The life of Adam and Eve are no different, and in fact they most likely lived much longer lives, and have much less of their lives chronicled. We know almost nothing about them, when you think of them as real people.

Adam and Eve would have been the same kind of people as you or i, in a lot of ways, full of complexities and difficulties. Even before the fall i would think. Preferences, opinions, curiosities. At first i thought maybe they were "perfect" before the fall, not prone to doubt and confusion like we are today, but if that was the case the fall would have never happened. I think they would have been a lot like us today, even before the fall.

Their lives, especially together, are kind of glossed over in Genesis. Eve is created and the very next verse begins the story of the fall. Now i suppose it's possible that Eve was created and the fall happened the very same day, but I think it's more than likely that a lot of time passed between the two events. Maybe even years. After all, at this point Adam and Eve weren't getting older, they were enjoying an eternal existence in the garden.

I know it's kind of a preconceived notion that Adam and Eve would be become husband and wife, especially considering they were the only people at the time, but i think it misses something important to not think about how this happened. Like i said before, Adam and Eve were people just like us. Maybe i am colored irreversibly by the western concept of romantic love that pervades every aspect of our thoughts and culture, but is it that unusual to think that there may have been some courtship of Eve on Adam's part? Is it that unusual to think that Eve might need some time to get to know Adam before blindly loving him?

Granted it may not have been courtship in the sense that we know it today. Between the fact that these processes have changed drastically over time, and the fact that Eve *didn't really have any other options*, it may have been a bit of a forgone conclusions on some level, but stranger things have happened. How many times have we heard girls tell a guy that they wouldn't date them "even if they were the last man on earth"? If Adam didn't play his cards right, maybe he would have heard this too.

I thought of the end of Josh Ritter's song, where the narrator thinks about launching the missile and destroying the world, just to protect this little happiness he has built with the woman he loves, scared of it withering away without the unusual situation that has bound them together. I wonder if Adam thought this when he ate the apple? I don't know if he had the understanding of exactly what would happen after they ate of the tree, but surely he knew this: Whatever happened, it would happen to him and Eve *together*. For better or for worse, it would bind them tighter, make her his even more. I wonder if this is what he was thinking when he agreed to eat?

How many times have we thought it was a good idea to go down a bad road with the person we love, instead of going down a good road alone?

The Temptation Of Adam

2009-08-25T22:55:00.002-04:00

If this was the Cold War we could keep each other warm
I said on the first occasion that I met Marie
We were crawling through the hatch that was the missile silo door
And I don't think that she really thought that much of me

I never had to learn to love her like I learned to love the Bomb
She just came along and started to ignore me
But as we waited for the Big One I started singing her my songs
And I think she started feeling something for me

We passed the time with crosswords that she thought to bring inside
What five letters spell 'apocalypse' she asked me
I won her over saying 'W.W.I.I.I.'
She smiled and we both knew that she'd misjudged me

Oh Marie it was so easy to fall in love with you
It felt almost like a home of sorts or something
And you would keep the warhead missile silo good as new
And I'd watch you with my thumb above the button

Then one night you found me in my army issue cot
And you told me of your flash of inspiration
You said fusion was the broken heart that's lonely only thought
And all night long you drove me wild with your equations

Oh Marie do you remember all the time we used to take
We'd make love and then ransack the rations
I think about you leaving now and the avalanche cascades
And my eyes get washed away in chain reactions

Oh Marie if you would stay then we could stick pins in the map
Of all the places where you thought that love would be found
But I would only need one pin to show where my heart's at
In a top secret location three hundred feet under the ground

We could hold each other close and stay up every night
Looking up into the dark like it's the night sky
And pretend this giant missile is an old oak tree instead
And carve our name in hearts into the warhead

Oh Marie there's something tells me things just won't work out above
That our love would live a half-life on the surface
So at night while you are sleeping I hold you closer just because
As our time grows short I get a little nervous

I think about the Big One, W.W.I.I.I.
Would we ever really care the world had ended
You could hold me here forever like you're holding me tonight
I look at that great big red button and I'm...

*Tempted*

I Think I See Some Sunlight

2009-08-21T09:57:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the lack of posting. I've been knee deep in life. Took a new position at work, and when I have been coming home at night (and when i wake up in the morning for that matter)I have found myself much more tired than usual. I like the new job, it will just take me a little while to get used to all the new duties. All in all, a good thing though.

I'm in the middle of *4* books. I've always enjoyed reading, but lately i can even seem to keep it to one book at a time. Hopefully I'm learning a lot.

When i got home last night there were Over The Rhine tickets in my mailbox. Looks like I'll be back in my old college town in the beginning of December. Should be fun.

I have a date on Sunday. My first.... traditional date in a long time. We'll see if i prepared myself sufficiently. It isn't a practice date either, she's pretty quality. We'll see what happens.

About Love...

2009-08-14T22:30:00.001-04:00

The taste of your sweet breath
The salt of morning tears
Again I say good-bye to you
Hold on tight
So good to hurt so bad
So sad to ride away renewed
Go on laugh, go on cry
It's alright

There's something wonderful about love
There's something lost about me with you
There's something blind about the chosen few
There's something wonderful about love

Was I meant to be yours?
The will of Christ above
Do you believe true love is blind
'Cause I don't know...
When I get home come spring
Won't you be glad to be mine?
Just don't laugh, please, don't cry
Just say so

There's something wonderful about love
There's something dark about destiny
There's something blue about you with me
There's something wonderful about love

Sorry to call so late
The planet turned 4 times
You're on my mind, but you're nowhere
In my world
Please, kiss the little bird
God bless the cozy cage we share
You kill me, you thrill me
You threaten my dreams, girl

There's something wonderful about love
There's something liberating death alone brings
There's something funny about a lot of sad things
There's something wonderful about love

Updates!

2009-08-14T00:20:00.003-04:00

Been a few days since i wrote, so i thought i would play a little catch up.

I decided to take a new position at work today. It's a lateral move with no pay change, but it certainly has a little more prestige, and will look better on my internal resume. If i ever decide to do something a little different for my career within the company, this will be a much better place to try from. I'm looking forward to the challenge and the new duties.

Had another non-date tonight. It went well. Another week or two and i should be ready to start scheduling some real dates. At least dates are always good at keeping my blog interesting.

Started to do some dream interpretation with the arborist last night. It was my first experience with that sort of thing. What i thought was a fairly innocuous dream about someone i know talking to their ex on the phone about me, while they rumaged around under a sink, and i waited patiently for the phone call to end, was apparently chock full of interesting things. I'm not sure i buy it, but it was interesting. I'll be curious to see where else the dream studying goes.

I misplaced my phone all day today. I was amazed at how disconnected i felt to the world without my phone. I use it for so much, calls and texts, keeping up with facebook, checking my e-mail, keeping up to date with sports. Without it, i was just kinda.... there. And it made making post work plans a bit tricky. I figured things out though, just took a little patience.

Second Thoughts

2009-08-11T00:44:00.001-04:00

I came home on Saturday night after doing my best (somewhat spontaneously) to get a bit of closure to the Joy situation. I had long ago accepting things, and even was able to turn sincere affection elsewhere, but i still felt that there were some things unsaid.

They've been said.

But when i got home Saturday night i went right to the keyboard and typed.

And typed, and typed, and typed.

3 hours later i had chronicled my entire relationship with Joy, chronologically.

It did a lot of things for me. It made me realize all the time frames involved. Both the unreal quickness that was Joy's "split" from love to hate towards me, and the speed at which we initially became inseparable, fully "in love". Both time frames were insane in their own ways.

It felt good to get it all out. It is by far the longest blog entry I've ever written. A lot of it feels like it's out for good. I'll always have Joy in me in some way, no way to get past that, but I'm in a much better place now.

I'm just not sure i can post that blog. It's so personal. It's so detailed. It's all chronicled by date, with quotes (i.e. text messages from Joy and myself) included with date and time to accentuate the narration.

I'll think about posting it.

In any event i'm glad i was able to write it.

I'll Fight...

2009-08-10T08:25:00.002-04:00

I’ll go
I’ll go
I’ll go
I’ll go for you
I’ll fight
I’ll fight
I’ll fight
I’ll fight for you
I’ll kill
I’ll kill
I’ll kill
I’ll kill for you
I will, I will, I will

I’ll go
I’ll go
I’ll go
I’ll go for you
I’ll fight
I’ll fight
I’ll fight
I’ll fight for you
I’ll die
I’ll die
I’ll die
I’ll die for you
I will, I will, I will

And if I die
I’ll die
I’ll die alone
On some forgotten hill
Abandoned by the mill
All my blood will spring and spill
I’ll thrash the air, then be still

You’ll wake with a start from a dream
And know that I am gone
You’ll feel it in your heart but not for very long

You’ll rise each day as planned
Your will as your command
And stand each Sunday
A hymnal steady in your hand

And you’ll sing to yourself the rising, falling melody
That you could never read
Without the choir’s lead
Still alone and lost indeed
And your soul will not be free

I will go
I will go
I will go
Into war's waters, I will wade
And I will know without remorse
Or regret the fairness of our trade

For you to live, I took your place
A deal was made and I was paid
And in gold as I was told
With a place where my body could be laid

You will steer your life and die old in bed at home
Surrounded by your peers
Without suffering or fear
Grandchildren far and near
And none will shed a tear
For their love no longer here

I’ll go
I’ll go
I’ll go
I’ll go for you
I will
I’ll fight
I’ll fight
I’ll fight
I’ll fight for you
I will, I will, I will

I’ll kill
I’ll kill
I’ll kill
I’ll kill for you
I will
I’ll die
I’ll die
I’ll die
I’ll die for you
I will, I will, I will

And if I die
I’ll die, I’ll die alone
Like Jesus on the cross
My faith cannot be tossed
My life will not be lost
If my love comes across

One More Day...

2009-08-08T08:35:00.003-04:00

I woke up this morning feeling as unrested as possible. I don't know why, i was in bed before midnight. I can only imagine the turmoil that my unconscious must be once it takes over. I've not really been remembering my dreams (nothing new there), but judging from my condition when i awake, they have been pretty emotionally taxing. I've started a dream journal, but holy cow, what a joke. All i remember are my "morning dreams", you know the ones you have after you wake up, but fall asleep for 15 more mins? Someone i how don't think *those* are the important dreams...

My tummy is upset this morning too. I woke up feeling like this giant mass of sorrow was sitting on me. Right on my stomach. No fun.

Today is going to be a crazy day at work. My section that usually has a staff of around 8 on any given day, will be only 3. The work load is the same, just more for each. Add to it that one of my bosses is off, and the other just a took job elsewhere, and that means I'll be handling the "boss" duties for the day. Saturdays are usually one of the busiest days as well. Swell.

I might just try and take the one boss position myself. It's a lateral move, but i do most of the stuff anyways, and i think it would look good on my internal resume.

Once i get through today though, i have tonight, Sunday, and Monday off. As of late days offs have been the kiss of death for me (Idle hands are indeed the devil's hands when you are dealing with.... stuff), but I'm looking forward to these days off. Sunday i have a barbecue in the south towns with some of my closest friends from high school. It will be nice to go and have some fun, to *live* a little. I've done far too little of that lately.

Monday might be another day along side mirror lake, but the forecast shows rain, so i better have other plans ready to go. No plans are no good. I need to keep as active as possible.

West Coast Lateness....

2009-08-07T23:58:00.002-04:00

I just want to see the end of my Dodger game, but I'm soooooooo tired. Darn west coast. It's only the top of the 6th!

I guess i can watch it from bed...

=/

Sleepy...

Help me up...

2009-08-06T09:50:00.000-04:00

Unbroken

2009-08-06T08:56:00.002-04:00

For the most part my social experiment was a success. I had a good time, i enjoyed good food, and most importantly, i was able to carry on decent conversation.

I even survived this question:

"So how has dating been since we last talked?"

If i can answer that question appropriately, i feel pretty comfy going out and socializing again.

Someone told me last night that i was never broken. I appreciated her encouragement, but she hadn't seen me in the past two weeks. I was as broke as broke gets.

I went to see Funny People last night. Nice job by Judd Apatow. Nice to see he can make a movie that still includes his trademark humor style, without it being *just* a vehicle for the humor. I liked. It was also nice that there were a plethora of Wilco references throughout the movie, including a snippet of Jesus Etc near the end. Well played!

Movie would have been perfect if not for the exceedingly unexpected text message received 1/3 of the way into it...

Weeds in the Wheat

2009-08-05T14:42:00.002-04:00

God bless the man who stumbles
God bless the man who falls
God bless the man who yields to temptation
God bless the woman who suffers
God bless the woman who weeps
God bless the children trying her patience

Trouble getting over it is what you're in for
So pour yourself another
'Cause it'll take a steady pair of hands

Holy or unholy ghost
Well now I can't tell
But either way you cut it
You should get some distance if you plan
To take a stand

God bless the house divided
God bless the weed in the wheat
God bless the lamp lit under a bushel

I discovered hell to be the poison in the well
So I tried to warn the others of the curse
But then my body turned on me
I dreamt that for eternity my family would burn
Then I awoke, with a wicked thirst

By my baby's yellow bed I kissed her forehead
And rubbed her little tummy
And wondered if she'll soon despise the smell
Of the booze on my breath, like her mom
Through a darkened mirror I have seen my own reflection
And it makes me want to be a better man

After another drink...

God bless the man at the crossroads
God bless the woman who still can't sleep
God bless the history that doesn't repeat

Social Experiment

2009-08-05T09:57:00.002-04:00

I set myself up a little social experiment tonight. As I've been traveling through this overly dark period of my life the past few weeks, I've tightened my social circle considerably. Pretty much co-workers (out of necessity), family, my arborist, and Jim are the only people I've seen.

I generally view this as a wise move. Look at this blog, what kind of conversationalist would i have been? Probably not my usual positive, encouraging, laid back self.

So I'm going out tonight. Not a date, it's someone who knows i don't have those kind of intentions with her, just a dinner to catch up with someone.

I have no idea if i can do this. My heart has been so heavy, I'm not sure i know how to have normal conversation. I certainly don't want to talk about the shite I'm constantly talking about here, but i dunno. I don't know where i am at, what i am capable of.

So we will see. Wish me luck!

Struggle

2009-08-03T11:39:00.006-04:00

It's my own fault.

I know that when i post on here, I'm usually only motivated to do so when something is heavy on my heart and I'm trying to work through the feelings and questions that i have. In other venues, i sometimes also only express something when I'm struggling. Since happiness and joy tend to be my usual default feelings, it doesn't occur to me to share these things.

So i thought i would clear a few things up.

The disclaimer on the top of my blog may be the most important thing to read if you are here. "Do not decide these cries of mine, they are the road and not the sign". I hope anyone who comes across this blog doesn't take the words too deeply to heart. Most of the things i express on here are not things I'm sure of, or feeling i have with any sense of certainly, they are a snapshot of my mind and heart at a particular moment. Sometimes in moments of elation where life feels perfect and I'm blinded to the reality of life, and sometimes when i feel at my lowest and my heart is trying to understand why, what, how, when....

In any event, don't read too much into it. It's raw process, very rarely decisions or solid ground. It's me at my most confused trying to make sense of the noise in my heart and mind.

Sometimes there is a lot of noise in there. It's no wonder I've taken to spending large swaths of time by myself in quiet peaceful places. I need the quiet to balance out what is inside of me.

There are two things that happened that caused me to write this.

One, i caused pain to someone through my words on here. It was unintentional, but in the end it doesn't matter. My raw words were read, interpreted in a way i didn't mean them, and caused pain to someone i care about very much, of the few people I've told i love them.

It still hurts me to know i did this. I hope somewhere she knows how sorry i am.

The second reason I'm writing this, is because i think i have underestimated how much of my inner sadness I've been letting out to the outside world. I think i thought i was keeping it in check a bit, but a look over my blog shows that this isn't so. It isn't that i want to hold back here. This is one of my true forms of expression and release that i use to get out what is inside (getting out what is inside of me, is not really my strongest attribute...). That being said, i don't want to come across that I'm sad all the time.

This has been the toughest few months of my life. For whatever reason i have met people i truly felt a bond with, and i have pursued them without my usual hesitation or careful planning and consideration of all options. I have given myself like i previously held back, and yet found myself alone in the end. It's been a struggle. Some of my darkest moments have been in the past few months, especially the past few weeks.

But i am more than my struggle. I promise.

I am still filled with wonder and delight, it's just a little muted. I still enjoy all that life has to offer, i just sometimes have to stop in the middle and let out a big sigh. I still dream the wildest and most intense of dreams, it's just that some of them make me hurt a little when i realize they may not end up looking quite how i dreamed them.

I came to this conclusion when i got a big hug from my mother yesterday, who then started crying and told me that she doesn't want to me to be sad anymore. I tried to tell her that i wasn't that sad and i was fine but she was having none of it. She kept crying and she said she knew i was sad.

She then said she wanted to step on Joy's toes. That's about as violent as my mother gets so it's clear she was emotional about the issue. I couldn't help but smile at her choice of words. Who chooses stepping on someone's toes as their physical method of expressing their unhappiness with someone's actions? Apparently, my mother.

I don't want my mother to hurt Joy, or any other woman with whom my interactions with may have eventually lead to hurt on my end. I don't want them to hurt at all. If every woman who decides I'm not the man for them, finds the next guy to *be* the man for them, there is nothing i would want more. Hopefully he is someone that will cherish them, care for them, think of them, and excite them even more than i ever did in my time with them, and hopefully they can return the feelings that for whatever reason they were unable to keep returning to me.

My desire to have a partner and companion, and my desire to *be with* a specific person, is something separate from my care and concern for them. When i date someone, i want them to feel cared for, to know that my place in their life is not about what i get (even though its usually considerable), but about their feelings and happiness. This doesn't change if they decide to remove me from the equation.

I know the normal thing to do is be bitter. To want them to see that without you they wont truly be happy. That the other people they replace you with wont care as much, wont be as supportive, and wont love them like you did.

I'm just not wired that way, not anymore. Sure in my younger years, i felt these things a few times. Even then, they didn't feel right. Thankfully, as I've gotten older, I've changed enough to the point that i don't even have the urge to think these things.

Ah, I've rambled!

In closing:

I'm not that sad, I promise.

I'm really, really sorry if i hurt you.

I only want the best for you, even if that isn't me.

Coelho

2009-08-02T14:15:00.003-04:00

Ive been reading a lot of Paulo Coelho books lately. They somehow resonate with me, even if some of the more nebulous spiritual aspects aren't really my thing. The point is, the stories speak to me, and some of the over arcing themes and lessons i find helpful.

The details of the stories however...

The first one was a about a green eyed girl finding love where she didn't expect it, with a man she didn't think she could have that kind of relationship with, even though she thinks she only has a short time to live.

The one i just finished was about falling in love with someone who has a very charismatic faith, with an outpouring of intense spiritual gifts. The difficulty of loving someone in a human way, when God demands so much of them through their gifts.

The latter even ends with a passage from Psalm 137:

"If I forget you, O Jerusalem,
may my right hand forget its skill .
may my tongue cling to the roof of my mouth
if I do not remember you,
if I do not consider Jerusalem
my highest joy."

Seriously.

And none of these things were known when i started reading them.

Makes me wonder what the next one i pick up is going to be about...

Muses

2009-08-02T11:50:00.002-04:00

My arborist brought up concept with me of women as my muses. In the context of what we were speaking of, it was a specific woman he was referring to, but maybe it goes for all of them?

What inspires me in life more than women? What else acts as the grand catalyst for me to access the best parts of me, the things i want to be the most? Sure, my faith can be a catalyst in that matter, but not with the same drive.

Not with the same passion.

The concept of a man projecting his Anima onto a woman is something that has been in mind over the past weeks for a variety of reasons. When i meet a woman who inspires me to be romantic, i rarely approach this situation with careful consideration and reserve. My heart throws me with all my energy into manifesting what i feel on the inside into something tangible that i can share with this person who has inspired these feelings in me. Obviously, my methods of manifestation are not the norm (Both in what i usually choose not to do, as well as the things i *do* choose to do), but they still manifest pretty intensely.

So I'm thinking a lot about intensity.

At some point I'm going to attempt another relationship. I know me, and that means it will most likely be sooner rather than later. I feel a desire to have a partner, and i don't see that going away anytime soon. I know that i am not worthless without a partner. But i do know that I'm at my best when i am helping and supporting others, and i crave that closeness of that kind of connection.

Granted, when you tell two people you love them, after not saying those words to anyone in 7 years, and they both reject you outright (after speaking those words back to you no less...), it does sting a little bit. It makes you weary of opening up that way to someone again. The drive for the connection is deep, but the memories of those feelings when you are discarded are fresh. And probably deeper...

I'm not sure what i would be looking for now. Apparently a woman that I'm super attracted to, that is interesting, inspiring, caring, and giving, one who tells me they love me.... These are all my new red flags. These are all the things that i started from to get to the place i have come to.

What is the alternative? People that are mildly interesting, who show some interest, but not a tremendous amount, who seem at times to care for me, but don't seem as if they would be too upset if i never called again? Is this anyway to seek your partner?

Should i not be inspired by the woman in my arms?

I know i have a lot to learn. The simple fact that this post is heavy on questions, and light on answers is a pretty clear indication of that.

It's funny that while i am patient in life situations, I'm frequently impatient with life itself. Time after time things can happen today that will require me to wait around for others, and do things on other people's schedules, and my laid back personality will smile, and continue to be happy and satisfied. But when life starts to drag. When dreams feel stalled. When plans seem to take forever to get to the next step, the time in my soul is interminable!

Like anything else, i need to think of these one day at a time. Sure, i need to make sure I'm taking the kind of steps that will benefit my long term healing and growth as well, but i cant heal everything and grow as much as i need to today. All i can do today is make the decisions that will lead me one step closer to healing. One step further growing in the right direction. One step closer to understanding this person i am on the inside.

I Think...

2009-08-01T01:10:00.001-04:00

Going to bed and waking up are the worst times of day right now. My phone just sits there...

=/

Last Night at The Arborist

2009-07-31T09:35:00.001-04:00

Holy *cow* was that what i needed. I'm thankful that i just hung on until my appointment last night. I needed to get all that out, and that was the perfect forum for it. I felt safe. I felt able to be me, and say what i really felt.

The weird thing was, even in that setting, it was hard to be honest with how i felt. When my arborist asked me how i was doing with other people around i said i was good. It wasn't until we were behind closed doors that i was able to say "I feel awful, just horrible". Even then it was a struggle to get those words across my lips. I told him how hard it was for me to even say that. I feel like i always have to be positive, not just for myself but for others. Maybe I'll be talking to someone who needs some hope, who needs to see a smile, who needs a small sign that everything will be ok? How selfish would i be to be honest and express how much i was really hurting?

Thankfully when the doors closed, i *was* able to say how much i was hurting. I don't know what this day would have brought me if i didn't get that stuff out. There was so much of it, i think i rambled for a good 30 mins before i let him talk.

When he did talk, he said something interesting to me. He said he didn't know what my shadow was. He said most times by the end of the first meeting with someone, he knows at least a bit what their shadow is, what the dark part is that they have that balances out the light part. He said with me, even though this was our 4th meeting, he still had no idea what my shadow was. He expressed that he didn't feel i was being deceptive, or even holding anything back, just that he hadn't been able to see it yet.

So of course, now I'm trying to figure out my shadow. The fact that it hasn't shown itself yet makes me worry that maybe mine is darker and deeper than most. Any ideas?

I feel a little better going into today. Like a have a slightly better grasp on my own heart. There are still a few things that if i think of them it derails me totally for a bit, but those moments are becoming further apart. I had a chat with a friend this morning who gave me a good idea about a project i can do that will keep my focus on others. It's win/win, since i get to do something for other people, and hopefully make them smile, while at the same time getting my thoughts off me, which is doing me little good.

Hopefully, i can also start making better decisions. This week (especially Tuesday) has not been a week to be proud my decisions. I started making those decisions that are so bad that while you are dong them your head is going "Why am i doing this? Why am i doing this?!". That's never a good place to be in.

The Road of Self Improvement

2009-07-30T08:40:00.002-04:00

I'm not usually that good at self improvement. Self improvement involves focusing on yourself instead of others, which is not really my natural inclination. It feels so self absorbed to be focusing on me, but it needs to be done.

Thankfully I'm seeing the arborist tonight. After my last week or so, especially the last two days, i could use some serious guidance.

Or course getting my head in the right place is only a start. I enjoy that part of self improvement, so while it may not be easy to do, it's easy for me to work at it since i like the process. I need to also work on more practical things.

I spent lunch yesterday working out, although the downside of that is when 6:30 hit me, all the energy i had used working out was needed to continue to shift. Those last 90 mins were difficult to say the least (my mental state didn't help either). Still, 35 mins on the bike helped make me feel better. I've lost 35 lbs over the last year almost solely on eating choices. I feel like if I'm gonna lose anymore (and i have about 10 more pounds to go) then it should be through the inclusion of exercise. I need to fins myself a pattern or rhythm if it's going to work.

I also need to simplify my possessions. I have too much stuff. I'm awful at throwing things out. I need to start prioritizing what things i really need, and what i can part with. Too much clutter. I want my place to look nice.

Sigh, especially if I'm going to be entertaining again.

I also should probably be a little more pro-active when it comes to my health. With the exception of Easter a few years ago where i went to the ER in the wee hours of the morning thinking i had strep throat, only to find out i had an infection in my voice box and got admitted, i haven't seen a doctor in ages. Probably a good idea for some sort of check up.

I hate doctors. This one will be a struggle.

Hopefully the arborist tonight will help me to be able to see my actions more clearly. I'm obviously doing something wrong as i keep repeating the same story in my relationships. Is it the people i am choosing? Is it the way i am in relationships? Do i need to follow that dreadful advice I'm always being given? To stop being so nice and attentive? Do women, as much as they say they want that, really want a guy who is a little bit of a jerk, a little hard to get a handle on, hard to control, slightly abusive?

Ugh. I couldn't be that if i tried.

Which means we need a different way to change or move ahead. I cant go down that road, and this road is killing me.

Everyone tells me the same thing. You need to be happy being single and alone. I understand those words, but.... I just don't see it. I mean, I'm a natural introvert, and i love my time to myself, but life starts to feel empty when you don't have someone to share the special moments with. I have always had a craving to be a husband, to have someone that you put your needs aside to the back burner to make sure they are happy and fulfilled, knowing that they are doing the same for your needs and desires. Am i just a romantic idealist?

I don't think so.

All i can do is prepare myself to be ready in case the right situation comes around. Hence the self improvement.

Next we are going to shoot for a positive attitude. This one is usually not an issue with me, but with the last few days, weeks, months... Well, every man has his limits. I'm working on it.

It's Never Quite What It Seems...

2009-07-29T10:13:00.002-04:00

and your face
I do know well
every breath breathes
farewell
it’s so still
no soul could tell
but one day
like this
the angels fell

and it’s never quite what it seems

and it bleeds
this setting sun
and my arms ache
from holding on
let it go
this dying light
makes it hard to tell
wrong from right

and it’s never quite what it seems

all the shadows of our doubts
and the light that burns too bright
soon burns out

and your face
you do know well
that the race is lost
hold still
‘cause the first
shall be the last
those that burn with thirst
will lift their glass

and it’s never quite what it seems

Thankful For Clarity, Even Painful Clarity

2009-07-29T09:27:00.002-04:00

As i had mentioned in my earlier post about the promised land, I was putting myself in the bad spot of latching onto hopeful things in my life and ignoring the things that were there that was telling me things were not meant to be.

Last night someone gave me the best gift we can frequently give. Brutal honesty. I cannot say how much i appreciate this.

Not that it didn't hurt like the dickens to be reading those words. It did. That isn't the point. Life is full of hurt. This is good hurt because it leaves me in a place where there is no ambiguity, no chance to keep reading things wrong, no chance to give myself further hope.

My hopelessness is my freedom, oddly enough.

Today does not feel good. My heart is so heavy it's hard to walk, but i will walk. Sometimes my tears are so strong it's hard to see, but I'll keep looking anyways. My hopelessness so big that my faith is shaken, but i will try and believe still.

I need to take ownership of my own actions, my own missteps. My romantic heart believes that love conquers all, and yet continues to try and conquer the one thing love *cannot* conquer, someone who rejects your love, or doesn't want you. I looked at all the other things that love *could* conquer, distance, illness, the past.... without seeing that my love wasn't wanted.

And while i can put my best foot forward. While i can be true to the man i am. I cannot, and will never be able to, *make* someone want the man i am (just as they cannot make themselves want me). This can be the hardest truth for a romantic heart to accept and live according to. It doesn't help that people frequently think telling someone they don't want them is too hurtful of a thing to say to another. Instead they try and sugar coat it a bit, the old "It's not you, it's me" road. The problem is that this just tells a romantic heart he has to work harder.

It feels awful to not be wanted.

But I'm glad i know that I'm not wanted. I know how to move from this spot, as hard as it is.

I'll start with today.

Wish me luck...

Mirror Lake

2009-07-28T10:58:00.006-04:00

As bad as i was prepping yesterday to be, it turned out alright. I went out in search of peace in my heart and found just that. The thing is, its easy to find. You don't even need to find it. You see, the secret isn't finding peace, it's letting go of the things that you are letting stand between you and your peace. You always have your peace, it never goes anywhere.

This has long been one of my most deeply held truths, so it's ironic that i forgot it. It was like a mathematician forgetting his multiplication tables.

I had a nice long lounge next to mirror lake yesterday. Nothing but me and the lake, and a few books, for 5 hours. I'm tempted to go back today. We'll see. Sometimes we just need to find someplace where we can free ourselves from the noise that distracts us each day all day so we can remember.

So we can hear our heart.

My heart still craves that one special heart to act as it's counterpoint. The Veronika to my Eduard. That being said, i need to learn a bit from Eduard's patience. It took Veronika a while to figure out what she really wanted, even if she probably decided it was too late when she did.

It wasn't.

It's never too late.

Even one day with the person you really love, without fear of what that really means, with both people committed to that feeling in their heart, is enough. And who knows, if you embrace that day, you may get another.

And another...

"Beside the small square there is a small hill. On top of the small hill there is a small castle. Veronika and Eduard trudged up the steep path, cursing and laughing, slipping on the ice, and complaining of exhaustion."

Veronika Decides to Die

2009-07-28T07:51:00.005-04:00

"[He] had already been on that road several times, but he had always decided to go back because he had still not received the signal to go forward. Now things were different: The signal had finally come in the form of a young woman with green eyes, brown hair, and the startled look of someone who thinks she knows what she wants."

The Old Horizon

2009-07-27T10:51:00.000-04:00

Moon above the raging sea
Lightning to firefly
I built my life out of what was left of me
And a map of an old horizon
Arrow find my chestnut heart
Shadow for conjuring
Big black eyes to hide my secrets in
And the map of the old horizon
With this flag I surrender the crescent moon
With this death’s head I hold the tear
And two black eyes to hide my secrets in
And the map of the old horizon

Oddly enough...

2009-07-27T07:49:00.003-04:00

I miss Moo and Evy. Especially Moo.

I woke up this morning feeling like i was not where i was supposed to be. It was not an enjoyable feeling.

I wonder if i will make it to anyplace today that alleviates this feeling? I certainly don't think I'll see Evy and Moo today so that's not going to change, and I'm certainly not going to end up the place i was planning on being today...

Looks like I'm going to have accept where i am and make the best of it. Why are we so emotionally chained to our expectations?

"Well, loving is as loving does, and I'd say we should know, because we both have loved, have lost, and are alone. Your face's falling tears, to me they're lovely and they're dear, though you don't love me and it's clear that I will never see you in my arms. There's no room in your heart for even this finely-sharpened dart; although I had started to think there might be hope, it isn't so."

These Hands...

2009-07-26T02:00:00.002-04:00

There is nothing worse than looking at your hands and realizing they have hurt someone you love. Whether it is intentional or not, it really doesn't matter.

All you can do is hope they can forgive you. And hope they look at you that same way again...

Locomotion

2009-07-25T02:42:00.002-04:00

My love is a speeding train
I'm faster and stronger than all the rest
My coals burn hotter than yours
My smoke billows further into the heavens
My whistle is heard in every inch of the countryside
And just when i start to bask in my own glory
I look below me...

I'm off the rails!

Depeche Mode in Toronto

2009-07-25T01:50:00.006-04:00

Got to see Depeche Mode's tour of the universe tonight on it's first stop in North America. I had resigned myself to going alone to this show, but my sister decided to come with me, all six months pregnant and all =)

We had a great time. Thanks Depeche Mode for the lesbian/foot sucking video during Strangelove. That was real comfortable with my sister...

Of course, I'm pretty sure she was singing along to "Master and Servant", so...

Precious, Home, I Feel You, and Waiting for the Night were the highlights for me. It's No Good was fun as well. It made me think of the time that Kelli and i were broken up in college and she played that song for me on her radio show. Timeless!

It was also by far the best live version of "I Feel You" I've ever seen. I thought it would be excessive if this tour yielded yet *another* live DVD, but now i want one just to have this tours version of that song.

Oh, and an interesting note, i think this is the first they have ever played "Fragile Tension" live. If there are any uber depeche mode fan out there reading this that can refute that claim, feel free.

Setlist:

In Chains
Wrong
Hole To Feed
Walking In My Shoes
It's No Good
A Question Of Time
Precious
Fly On The Windscreen
Little Soul
Home
Come Back
Fragile Tension
In Your Room
I Feel You
Policy Of Truth
Enjoy The Silence
Never Let Me Down Again

Encore #1
Stripped
Master And Servant
Strangelove

Encore #2
Personal Jesus
Waiting For The Night (Bare Version)

Wilco (The Review)

2009-07-21T09:47:00.005-04:00

My first Wilco show was all i hoped it would be. Sure, there was a few songs i wanted to hear that didn't make an appearance (Poor Places, Side With The Seeds, You Are my Face, Ashes of American Flags, Via Chicago...), but the setlist as it stands, really doesn't have many holes. That first Encore is an amazing one-two punch. Hoodoo Voodoo was a lot of fun. A Shot in the Arm was as good live as I'd hoped. The new songs sounded great, especially One Wing and Bull Black Nova.

Dad liked the show a lot. He kept saying they were not what he expected, and he was impressed by how good the melodies were in the song. He also enjoyed being close enough to see the hands of guitar players. I enjoyed that as well. 3rd row was a nice spot for our first Wilco show.

Setlist:

Wilco (The Song)
ELT
I Am Trying to Break Your Heart
A Shot in The Arm
At Least That's What You Said
Bull Black Nova
Radio Cure
One Wing
Handshake Drugs
Deeper Down
Impossible Germany
Jesus Etc
Sonny Feeling
Can't Stand It
Hate it Here
Walken
I'm The Man Who Loves You
Hummingbird

Encore 1:
Misunderstood
Spiders (Kidsmoke)

Encore 2:
The Late Greats
Heavy Metal Drummer
California Stars
Hoodoo Voodoo
I'm a Wheel

Don't Look at Me, It's All Tweedy. I Only Arranged...

2009-07-19T13:43:00.003-04:00

You’re the deepest well I’ve ever fallen into
Embracing the situation
Is our only chance to be free
Our love is all of God's money
Everyone is a burning sun
My mind is filled with silvery stuff
Honey kisses clouds of fluff
And I really want to see you tonight
I want to hold you in the Bible-black predawn
I want to glide through those green eyes dreaming
Hide your soft skin, your sorrow is sunshine
And the sun gets passed from tree to tree
Silently, and back to me
Your spine starts to shine
And you shiver at your soul
I listen for
Your lips to break apart
Into words
You’ve got the white clouds hanging so high above you
And you’ll sing to yourself the rising, falling melody
When the cold light shakes you like a chandelier
The snowflakes break through the atmosphere
Please don’t cry we’re designed to die
Don’t deny what’s inside
The more I think about it
The more I’m sure it’s you
I will understand everything has its plan
'Cause what would love be without wishful thinking
Open your arms as far as they will go
I have no idea how this happens
But you and I will be undefeated
The future has a valley and a shortcut around
One day we’ll disappear together in a dream
However short or long our lives are going to be
I will live in you or you will live in me
Until we disappear together in a dream
Fold ourselves into each other’s blood
Everlasting love forever more

Tonight

2009-07-19T11:00:00.003-04:00

Tonight is the Wilco show at Art Park. I'm really really excited for this show. I've always wanted to see Wilco live, but my craving for this has been ratcheted up a few notches over the past few months, especially after seeing the excellent concert film "Ashes of American Flags".

I also can't wait to see Nils Cline play guitar is person. How good must that be? I should get a pretty good view of it from my seat as well.

I'm still trying to get my dad to come see the show with me. I think he would like it. It would be fun to share something like this with him, and it would be a good primer to the U2 show we are supposed to see together in September. Of course, if my dad comes along that means I'm banishing my new friend to (possibly rainy) lawn area. I know she's ok with it, and just happy to be seeing the show, but I'll still feel a *little* bad.

I'll report back afterwards!

Magnolia Electric Co.

2009-07-17T09:37:00.005-04:00

It's been way too long since I've seen Jason Molina play music, so last night's music was well needed and appreciated. To make it even better, it was a free show, and they had copies of the new album "Josephine" for sale. Jason, ill advised mustache aside, was excellent as always. Much more playful with the audience than I've ever seen. The band was in top form. Even the opening band told us this was their best performance so far of the dates they have played together.

I'm listening to Josephine right now. It's classic Molina, especially lyrically, but the album seems for focused. I'm really enjoying it.

I made a new friend at the show last night which was fun. Always good to know more local people that enjoy quality music. Now i have someone to see Wilco with on Sunday too! Bonus! =)

Aside from that, I slept well once i got home and am trying to look forward to another day of work. After all these holiday shortened weeks at the beginning of the month, working a regular week seems extra long.

The Weight of Glory

2009-07-16T10:29:00.000-04:00

"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

Here i Sit

2009-07-15T00:39:00.000-04:00

You broke my heart
but my heart it heals
You awakened my anger
but still i love
You destroyed my peace
but i here i sit serene
You took what i had saved
I will save it again
You made me doubt myself
but I am surer and stronger now
You made me want nothing else
and now i want so much more

Renewal...

2009-07-15T00:19:00.003-04:00

A Wish For Wings That Work

2009-07-13T09:42:00.002-04:00

Father...
I wish you would talk to me
Like you talk to her
I wish i understood your plan
I trust
Even though i don't see
or hear
I know i do not need
Bushes that burn
Skies that churn
Glossolalia
But you know me Dad
I like to *understand*

Monday Morning.... I Look at My Heart and See What I'm Not.

2009-07-13T09:23:00.002-04:00

I spent my day in Rochester yesterday. I'm still unsure of what i think of Rochester as a city. Most of me feels very lukewarm about it, thinking of it as a smaller, inferior Buffalo. I know every time I've been in the city late, i marveled at how little there was to do. Of course, it's possible i didn't know where to look.

My first stop in the city was a funeral for the mother of one of my oldest friends. t was an especially weird feeling when one of your friends from childhood loses a parent. As you get older you and friends all start to go through phases. You all go to college. Then some of your friends start getting married. Then all of your friends start having children. All of those phases were interesting to see, even though i have seemed to side step most of them. I don't think I'm ready for the phase when my friend's parents start passing away. Nope, not ready as at all.

I'm glad i went though. The family seemed genuinely happy to see me. I wish i was able to offer them some solace and peace, but that's something that only time will truly be able to assist with.

Since i was now free to explore Rochester, i did what any same man would do. I went to Dinosaur Barbecue and stuffed myself full of pulled pork. That was a wise choice. The cornbread was better than i remembered.

Then i took up residency in a local Starbucks. Shocking, i know. This particular Starbucks is on Monroe Ave in Rochester, and it's in a house. The downstairs of the house has been converted into a Starbucks. It's comfy. I sat there are read for almost 3 hours. The reading was good. I learned all about not projecting my Anima onto others. Especially women. The arborist and i shall discuss this tonight...

The finale of the night was a rare Seven Head Division show. Always excellent. My ears are still bleeding, in the happiest way possible.

And here we are on Monday morning. I have more reading to do. I think I'm gonna go to the cemetery and read. My head knows that going there is unwise for my heart, but i think in the long run it will be a good thing. I need to make it my own, it's too beautiful to let it become an untouchable symbol of something i lost, and therefore become something else lost to me. Wish me luck.

The Problem With Pain

2009-07-12T09:54:00.002-04:00

My heart hurts knowing someone i adore is in pain. Right now. As i type this. I think the most helpless feeling i ever have is when i am unable to soothe the pain of someone i love.

I know in my head that we can deal with pain. I know that persevering over pain can make us stronger.

But my heart doesn't understand. My heart just wants her to feel better.

I hope my prayers are heard...

The Great Depression

2009-07-11T23:24:00.003-04:00

Today i was overcome with sorrow. All day. I don't think it was even my sorrow, though every now and then my subconscious tossed a little personalization my way. As my day went on, my sorrow grew and grew. By the time i left work, one of my co-workers asked me why i was so sad. I don't know if i looked super sad, or if they are just so used to my uber-positive, always laid back personality, than anything below that seemed odd.

The drive home from work was a little scary. I've never had a panic attack, but i can only imagine this is a bit what it is like. My thoughts were racing faster than i could catch them. My heart was doing the same. My skin felt like it was vibrating, like my body was generating too much energy to be contained. Somehow though, i could tell that the cause was sorrow and not just anxiety.

What was i sad about? As hokey as this sounds, i felt the sorrow of everything around me all on top of me. Sure, some of it was my own now and then. Amidst my general overwhelming sorrow unrelated to me, my mind would remind me of a few sad things of my own (or happy things i can no longer have...), but really it was more about everyone else but me. It was almost as if i was able to feel all the little sadnesses of all those around me.

I ended up at my parents house for a movie. Not because i missed my parents (though i did), and not because i was in the mood for a movie (I wasn't especially), it was just because i didn't want to be alone. Weird that sadness not even related to myself felt too big for me to be alone with, but it just felt overwhelming. Normally i love coming home to my empty place and spending some time with just myself, but today it just felt like too much to handle.

The sadness is still with me, but it's a faint glow of it's early potency. It feels manageable now, and that's why i have the freedom to write about it.

Those of you who know me well know that I'm rarely ever sad. For whatever reason i have been blessed with the ability to ignore all the small negative things in life, and to extract immense joy, almost without effort, from all of the smallest positive things in life. It's something i frequently try to share with others, which is easier said than done.

So tonight i get to think about my sadness, now that it's manageable. I'm sure it grabbed and overtook me for a reason. I just need to figure out what that is.

Maybe i haven't dealt with my own sorrows properly? Goodness knows when you are this positive and happy *all the time*, you sometimes wonder if you are doing an excellent job dealing with your sorrow, or a disastrous one. Do i process my sorrow quickly and efficiently, or do i not process it at all? A sorrow ticking bomb in my soul would not be a good thing...

I don't think that's it, but I'll talk to my arborist about it on Monday, just in case.

I also spent most of my night last night watching my closest friends dealing with decisions they have made that cause them no end of sorrows. Worse yet, i was watching them make decisions that will *continue* to cause them sorrow. I wish them the best. I'll help them where i can. Friends making bad decisions is tricky. Once you tell them what the better decision is, you've done all you can. You can't *make* them make the right decision.

I guess God feels that all the time?

Before any of you start worrying, I'm not depressed. I promise. I know enough about depression to know the warning signs, and I'm good. Everyone has to be sad now and then though, right?

Tomorrow I'm going to a funeral out of town, so I'll have a chance to explore sorrow a little bit more, and realize that there are those with sorrow much deeper than mine is. I cant imagine what the people who will be going to be at this funeral will be feeling. Hopefully i can be of some comfort to those people. What better to do with any of our days but to comfort those who are sad, in pain, mourning...

As for tonight, the smile is already back on my face (It doesn't take long...), and I'm going to move back into my learning mode for the night. 2 books at once, and each one feels equally important to me at this juncture of my life. Wish me luck.

I'm growing...

Undercover

2009-07-10T10:30:00.002-04:00

Today i shall venture forth out into the world. Disguised. I'll attempt to move through the world of the clean shaven as if i am one of their own. Surely the observant will see through my ruse. They will know that this smooth exterior is a false visage, skin masquerading as something presentable, but deep down merely a canvas for something greater.

Something to come later.

Something even now working to be created. Shaped. Guided.

For now i well be one of them, but do not be fooled by this false visage. What is to come is the true me.

Will the world be ready when i return?

13 Angels Standing Guard Round the Side of Your Bed

2009-07-08T12:37:00.003-04:00

Can you see me diving into you?
Will you open like i need you to?
Do you feel what i feel too?
Will your life intertwine with mine?

Close your eyes and see me now
Think of me, and speak your mind
Close your eyes and see me, know
Think of me, and speak "You're mine"