Thankful For Clarity, Even Painful Clarity

As i had mentioned in my earlier post about the promised land, I was putting myself in the bad spot of latching onto hopeful things in my life and ignoring the things that were there that was telling me things were not meant to be.

Last night someone gave me the best gift we can frequently give. Brutal honesty. I cannot say how much i appreciate this.

Not that it didn't hurt like the dickens to be reading those words. It did. That isn't the point. Life is full of hurt. This is good hurt because it leaves me in a place where there is no ambiguity, no chance to keep reading things wrong, no chance to give myself further hope.

My hopelessness is my freedom, oddly enough.

Today does not feel good. My heart is so heavy it's hard to walk, but i will walk. Sometimes my tears are so strong it's hard to see, but I'll keep looking anyways. My hopelessness so big that my faith is shaken, but i will try and believe still.

I need to take ownership of my own actions, my own missteps. My romantic heart believes that love conquers all, and yet continues to try and conquer the one thing love *cannot* conquer, someone who rejects your love, or doesn't want you. I looked at all the other things that love *could* conquer, distance, illness, the past.... without seeing that my love wasn't wanted.

And while i can put my best foot forward. While i can be true to the man i am. I cannot, and will never be able to, *make* someone want the man i am (just as they cannot make themselves want me). This can be the hardest truth for a romantic heart to accept and live according to. It doesn't help that people frequently think telling someone they don't want them is too hurtful of a thing to say to another. Instead they try and sugar coat it a bit, the old "It's not you, it's me" road. The problem is that this just tells a romantic heart he has to work harder.

It feels awful to not be wanted.

But I'm glad i know that I'm not wanted. I know how to move from this spot, as hard as it is.

I'll start with today.

Wish me luck...