Peeking Out Of The Cracks

I realized that it's been a few days since i wrote in here something that wasn't lyrics or poetry. I'm always happy when some poetry comes through, even atrocious poetry like mine, but sometimes you need some prose to organize your thoughts a bit. Hopefully my thoughts will indeed organize, as they feel more than a little scattered on this lovely Sunday morning. I think i piled all my life's confusion on top of me for a few days and am only now peeking through it all and looking at life a bit again.

I feel a little more lost that i ever have in my life, but lost might not be the best word. Lost tends to evoke feelings of hopelessness, which is not at all what i feel. Don't get me wrong, I'm sad and unhappy about plenty of life's most recent curve balls, but i feel hopeful at the moment. I don't know where to take a step next, what to decide next, or even where to *be* today, but i feel peaceful in my lack of knowledge.

I'm not sure i like it. Faith in things working out, without any kind of cognizant vision of how that is going to happen sometimes feels like the enemy of a rational mind.

I struggle with faith vs fact, faith vs reason, faith vs knowledge a lot. It's hard for me to let go and believe most times. Worse yet, most times i don't want to. I worry that i will venture into the realm of self deception. Having faith in the things i *want* to believe because it gives me comfort, not believing in what my reason based brain tells me is most likely true.

This has always been the struggle of my faith.

Someone has recently entered my life who has this faith based force of will that blind sides you. You can feel her faith in every word, this undeniable typhoon of belief that permeates her every interaction with me. I've seen this plenty of times before, especially in my college years, but this is different. She has something i cant put my finger on, something that makes it real and believable in her, where with most of the others it felt like an artificial construct, something built by the person, not created by a higher power.

It's almost overwhelming.

It's very comforting.

It's a little confusing.

She either has awful or perfect timing. There is a good chance that it is just what i need to carry me through one of my darkest times, personally, emotionally, and spiritually. Of course, i don't really feel like I'm emotionally stable enough to be safe for someone new. I know it's safe for me, it's *her* i worry about.

She doesn't seem worried. She's pretty impressive.

So i don't know what today will bring. Not even a little. I don't what people I'll see, what emotions I'll be feeling. I feel like i have equal odds of feeling like the luckiest, most happy man in the world, or like a desperate man at the end of his rope feeling like he has no options left. All places in between feel possible, even likely.