The Relationship Tree

As i was sleeping last night, I had this idea of my relationship existing as a tree. The longer it existed, the larger it grew. Over time new branches formed, leaves, even fruit. The trunk became thick with experience, stronger through the times it had been through. My love was the sun, her love the water, each an integral part of making the tree flourish. Between my excessively bright shining, and her abundant flow of water, the tree had grown exceedingly healthy and strong, in such a short time. I have never seen a tree this vibrant and beautiful, at least not one that i was lucky enough to shine upon myself.

But something happened... She has turned off the water. It was barely two weeks ago. It feels like so much longer. I know she didn't mean to turn it off. It sounds like a cop out for her, and i wont go into the reasons, but i know she cant control turning off the water. I'm doing my best to be patient and supportive, shining light upon the tree whenever those rare occurrences happen where there is a break in the clouds and my sunbeams get through. My brightness hasn't changed at all. My desire to feed the tree is strong as ever.

Sun wont do it alone.

Already I'm starting to see the tree suffer. Suffer in ways that may not be able to be corrected even if the water returns. Without the water, the tree has become unhealthy. The bark starting to become more brittle. No new leaves forming. Some leaves falling off even though spring has barely begun.

I don't think i can bear sitting back and watch the slow death of the tree, yet that seems my best option. The only other one i know is turning my back on the tree. Cutting it down myself to save the long slow fade. I don't know if i have the strength to do that. The minute i start chopping, i will be erasing any chance, no matter how small, that the water might come back, and there might be a chance to save the tree.

I feel *guilty* for not being more hopeful.

I suppose there is hidden and stubborn hope in my refusal to chop down the tree. Probably not though, mostly it's just fear. Fear of making the wrong choice. I'd like to regain hope, but it's hard. I spent time with the giver of water last night. She has no interest in helping the tree. Again, i know this isn't a conscious choice, but...

That doesn't make it hurt any less.

I have an appointment with an Arborist on Tuesday. Wish me luck...

Right now all i can do is shine, and try to remember there is a reason to exist even if i have nothing to give my light to. I don't feel that in my heart, even if i believe it somewhere deep in my head. The heart is always so much more blind to reality. It's a wonder any of us make it through the day with one.