Answers to M's Questions

I thought about this a bit and i think i have some insights, although nothing i would classify as definitive answers. It was interesting thinking of these topics, so thanks M!

I'll go with the 2nd question first. Why am i afraid to be emotional? Those who know me well would probably think this was an odd question, as I'm probably much more emotional than the average guy. Of course this question was asked in the framework of only knowing me through the confines of this blog where that question makes much more sense.

I was a journaler long before i became a blogger in 2005. I was much better at journaling when i was into it. I went years and years at a time without ever missing a day. I still have tons of Mead 3 subject notebooks, college ruled, (my journal of choice), in my closest filled on every page. It covers years and years of my life. It served a couple of purposes. It helped me get out my thoughts and feelings, it helped me arrange them to put them on the page, and it helped me to read back later (sometimes years later) to help me understand who i was and how i have changed over the years. I guess that would be catharsis, organization, and understanding.

The problem is, emotions are so fickle. They are the most intense things in the world, but they change over time, and sometimes quickly when the situation changes. The pain of being dumped can quickly be softened when you meet someone new. The frustration of hating your job is vanished when you find a new and better job. Whatever it is, they are so intense, feel so permanent, and in the end are almost always temporary. For me it can be downright nauseating to read back over some of my most maudlin moments after that period of my life is over.

I suppose that's why in some ways i shy away from being too emotional on here. When I'm really hurting you are more likely to see song lyrics that i relate to rather than my own words and feelings. It's easier when i go back i guess. If I'm really going through something emotional it might get me to write some poetry. I'm an awful awful poet, but at least it allows me to share my own feelings and experiences without feeling like I'm putting everything on the table.

I think that was the easier of the 2 questions.

The other one was what am i running from. I guess I'm running from the things i assumed we all run from. Fears, and past mistakes.

Most of the subjects in here either relate to music, or relationships. Music, while it makes me very happy and enriches my life more than i have the vocabulary to describe, really doesn't have any negative aspects. It rarely deals with fears or past mistakes. Relationships however are a much different story.

Relationships for me, are all *about* fears and past mistakes. I didn't get to be 32 and single without making a lot of mistakes. A lot of them i made honestly, but some i knew i was making and my fears allowed me to make them anyways.

So anytime my words lead you to believe i am running from something, I'm sure it's myself that I'm trying to run from. All the past mistakes. All the things i do that i wish i didn't do. All my tendencies that i hate, but don't notice until it's too late that they have reared their ugly head. I'm trying to improve (aren't we all?), but these things are easier said than done. We have things we struggle with. Parts of ourselves that we wish we didn't have. We take steps forward, and we take steps back, hoping that we are making ground when all is said and done.

Anyone else have any ideas or observations? One of the benefits of blogging over journaling, is you actually have a chance for someone else to see yourself in a way that you don't. That's how this post started even. I'd be curious if anyone has any insights on these things, either relating to me however you know me, or to the same topics as they relate to yourself or people in general.