Holding Patterns

I like to think I'm pretty good at dating. I certainly have a decent amount of practice at it. The fact is though, I'm only marginally good at it, and only on the outside. What i mean is that i think I'm good at planning a date, showing up punctually, picking good places to go, making good conversation, saying enough funny things, coming up with additional things to do on the fly, etc.

But inside i seem to be wrecked with crippling self doubt. This is a little new. Don't get me wrong, I've always struggled with doubt when it came to possible burgeoning relationships, but lately it's worse.

Sigh, and i suppose i know why.

But the why doesn't matter. I need to overcome it if I'm going to find a way through the woods that is dating to a healthy destination on the other side.

I've discovered that i lack patience in dating. I want to be in a relationship. I want something that feels good to accelerate into a relationship. As soon as i sense a girl that i think has potential has done something, that i perceive at least, to be a step backwards or slower than a pace that feels normal, I'm consumed with doubt. Does she not like me? Does she like someone else better? Maybe she is just going out with me to be nice? Maybe she is just trying to find a way to tell me she doesn't want to go out anymore, or is hoping I'll just wander off from lack of her communication.

Ugh, all that thinking is insufferable to read, even for me. I apologize to anyone reading this, but those are the thoughts that have been going through my head. All because the girl i like hasn't been quite as communicative with me as i expect of someone who is interested in me.

Of course the problem is pretty deep.

I'm reading a book that is designed to educate you about your "shadow self", your unconscious being that operates under the surface, separate from your ego, with own agenda, frequently with little connection to what our conscious self desires. It's a difficult read, both because it's so dense, and because it challenges you constantly to look at things about yourself that your brain is *constantly trying to avoid looking at*.

For example, it points out that one of the reasons our relationships are so difficult is that they "...carry, or suffer, the burden of our chief fantasy, namely, that the magical "other" will fix things for us, render our life meaningful, heal our wounds, and help us avoid the task of growing up and facing the huge existential vacuum that all conscious souls must engage".

Or phrased another way: "None of us is free of the deep, archaic fantasy that the other will make our life work for us, offer meaning, bring relief to our prior wounds, and, if we are luck, spare us the burden of growing up and taking our life on."

That.... might be true. Dammit!

"The shadow task here is daunting, for it means that one has to step into the places of doubt and anxiety, one has to accept the larger definition of oneself, and one has to accept finally that we are all alone, radically alone, and never more so than when in relationship with another."

Clearly i have much work ahead of me. As much as i don't want to accept this stuff, i know it to be true. I can feel it in all the areas i don't like. I look back on my previous relationship and i can see all the areas of my life that i felt were finally fulfilled due to me placing them at the feet of my partner. Taking all the things i struggle with, thinking she was strong in those areas and happily giving them over to her, thinking i was doing what people do in relationships; compliment each other. When she left me, i blamed her for all those areas feeling so empty again, instead of blaming myself for trying to have another fill my needs for me.

"We find it easier to blame our partners than to grow up, to recognize that we are the only ones present in each scene of that long running drama we call our life."

I see it in my dating. Why am i *so* eager to jump into a new relationship? So i can stop dealing with my pain. So i can forget my pain and start to instead enjoy a new person to place my hopes and dreams upon. What a vicious cycle.

And yet there is a balance. Being in a relationship isn't all bad, there are benefits and natural desires that are made for relationships.

The question is.... How do i grow up? How do i make myself whole regardless of my relationship status?

Did i mention i have a lot of work to do?