Send The Pain Below

This has been the worst week in a long while. I look at my heart tonight and wonder if i have undone all the improvement i did over the past few months. I wonder if i really improved at all? Maybe i lied the way we all do, at least when we do it right. We lie to ourselves so the words that come out of our mouth are truth to us.

Self deception.

I dunno. I've been so good at saying the right things. *Doing* the right things on some level. I faced the test this week that i knew i would have to face eventually. I ran into.... her. We talked. I said all the right things. I smiled, but not too much. I didn't say anything angry. I didn't say anything snide. I didn't tell her i missed her. I didn't ask her why. I didn't try to hurt her, like she hurt me.

But what does it matter? A moral victory. A little feather in my cap that at the end of the day doesn't mean anything when everyone leaves for the night.

I can say the right things to her when i sit across a Starbucks table unexpectedly on a Tuesday afternoon. When will my heart start saying the right things to me when only i can hear it.

It probably didn't help that i saw her *again* today. At least this time she didn't see me.

It also probably didn't help that i chose to go the way home that takes me right by her new house. Looks like she had a pretty festive Halloween party going on.

Sigh. Why cant we speed up the healing of the heart?

Tonight i could actually feel rage. Those of you who know me, probably know rage isn't really an emotion i struggle with. Tonight i felt it. For a few minutes i could feel it inside, building, aimed at her squarely. But after a few minutes it changed direction. It found a better target. The rage looked squarely are me.

Sure i can be angry at someone else for their decisions and actions. That's easy. In the end that only serves to give me an excuse to ignore my actions and my decisions. That's all that i can control. Me. Patrick. My choices.

I wish i could say i have it all figured out. Most days i feel more lost than ever. I sit and talk to my arborist. I read about my shadow. I take time to be quiet. But i don't have it figured out. As soon as something stokes the fire, I'm helpless to do anything but burn.

Tonight i smolder. A week of sparks i couldn't defend. I smiled and looked fine, all the while my back was burning.

I wonder if everyone saw the smoke?