The Jouney into Ambiguity

I know it's been a little while since i put anything of substance on here. I've been busy with life, which i suppose is a good thing. This past week i worked on my days off so i could take a few days off and head downstate to where i used to live and went to college. It was fun to see all the old sights, see a lot of old friends, and just enjoy a place that i lived for so long.

It was also nice to spend time with a new friend, and see some great music. Seeing an artist that you have a connection with is always exciting, but even nicer when you can add to it finding a new artist that you make a connection with as well. So many of the musicians that i listen to i got into via another musician, either because one was the opener for another, or because someone i like worked with them, or even due to a musician i enjoy talking about an artist in an interview. This time it was seeing an opener that was terrific.

The company was great as well. Sadly geography dictates that i wont get to hang out with this person nearly as much as their awesomeness would normally dictate, but hopefully we will bump into each other from time to time. It's always fun to meet new people, especially those who are fairly laid back and know how to just enjoy people. I hope she knows how much i enjoyed her company and appreciated her understanding.

It's not often that i undate a date, but that's what happened here. The evening was planned as a date, and surely would have been a good one, but i just felt i wasn't in the position to treat it like a date.

Which means that my heart has said that it had found someone it wanted to pursue more than all the rest, but life hadn't caught up to speed yet. Which i suppose is the way it always happens.

It is of course one of the most tenuous positions to be in.

It's also one i apparently dislike a great deal if my history of moving out of this spot with incredible velocity is any indication.

I suppose since i am trying to grow as a person, and relationships are an area of tremendous focus for me, it would good for me to not listen to my usual instincts in this spot. In previous times, this totally brings out my fight or flight type of responses. The uncertainly leads me to seek clarification, whatever the cost. My need to remove the ambiguity is so strong that i am usually willing to sabotage the whole situation, if that's what it takes to find clarity, even the clarity that comes from a negative outcome.

Maybe i need to learn to be ok with the ambiguity for awhile. To even embrace it a bit?

As i typed that i felt a cold chill come over me. You have no idea how much those words are the antithesis of how my mind functions!

Even as i am interested in the concept of embracing ambiguity, my mind winces just trying to understand the practical side of it. How do i make decisions, how do i act accordingly, if everything is ambiguous? How do you take a step forward when you don't know which direction you are going?

Maybe these are the times i need to stop trying to get somewhere and just *be* where i am. Of course, the ambiguity means that sometimes i don't even know where it is that i am, let alone where i am going.

Is it any wonder i usually work so hard to avoid this?