The Great Depression

Today i was overcome with sorrow. All day. I don't think it was even my sorrow, though every now and then my subconscious tossed a little personalization my way. As my day went on, my sorrow grew and grew. By the time i left work, one of my co-workers asked me why i was so sad. I don't know if i looked super sad, or if they are just so used to my uber-positive, always laid back personality, than anything below that seemed odd.

The drive home from work was a little scary. I've never had a panic attack, but i can only imagine this is a bit what it is like. My thoughts were racing faster than i could catch them. My heart was doing the same. My skin felt like it was vibrating, like my body was generating too much energy to be contained. Somehow though, i could tell that the cause was sorrow and not just anxiety.

What was i sad about? As hokey as this sounds, i felt the sorrow of everything around me all on top of me. Sure, some of it was my own now and then. Amidst my general overwhelming sorrow unrelated to me, my mind would remind me of a few sad things of my own (or happy things i can no longer have...), but really it was more about everyone else but me. It was almost as if i was able to feel all the little sadnesses of all those around me.

I ended up at my parents house for a movie. Not because i missed my parents (though i did), and not because i was in the mood for a movie (I wasn't especially), it was just because i didn't want to be alone. Weird that sadness not even related to myself felt too big for me to be alone with, but it just felt overwhelming. Normally i love coming home to my empty place and spending some time with just myself, but today it just felt like too much to handle.

The sadness is still with me, but it's a faint glow of it's early potency. It feels manageable now, and that's why i have the freedom to write about it.

Those of you who know me well know that I'm rarely ever sad. For whatever reason i have been blessed with the ability to ignore all the small negative things in life, and to extract immense joy, almost without effort, from all of the smallest positive things in life. It's something i frequently try to share with others, which is easier said than done.

So tonight i get to think about my sadness, now that it's manageable. I'm sure it grabbed and overtook me for a reason. I just need to figure out what that is.

Maybe i haven't dealt with my own sorrows properly? Goodness knows when you are this positive and happy *all the time*, you sometimes wonder if you are doing an excellent job dealing with your sorrow, or a disastrous one. Do i process my sorrow quickly and efficiently, or do i not process it at all? A sorrow ticking bomb in my soul would not be a good thing...

I don't think that's it, but I'll talk to my arborist about it on Monday, just in case.

I also spent most of my night last night watching my closest friends dealing with decisions they have made that cause them no end of sorrows. Worse yet, i was watching them make decisions that will *continue* to cause them sorrow. I wish them the best. I'll help them where i can. Friends making bad decisions is tricky. Once you tell them what the better decision is, you've done all you can. You can't *make* them make the right decision.

I guess God feels that all the time?

Before any of you start worrying, I'm not depressed. I promise. I know enough about depression to know the warning signs, and I'm good. Everyone has to be sad now and then though, right?

Tomorrow I'm going to a funeral out of town, so I'll have a chance to explore sorrow a little bit more, and realize that there are those with sorrow much deeper than mine is. I cant imagine what the people who will be going to be at this funeral will be feeling. Hopefully i can be of some comfort to those people. What better to do with any of our days but to comfort those who are sad, in pain, mourning...

As for tonight, the smile is already back on my face (It doesn't take long...), and I'm going to move back into my learning mode for the night. 2 books at once, and each one feels equally important to me at this juncture of my life. Wish me luck.

I'm growing...