Last Night at The Arborist

Holy *cow* was that what i needed. I'm thankful that i just hung on until my appointment last night. I needed to get all that out, and that was the perfect forum for it. I felt safe. I felt able to be me, and say what i really felt.

The weird thing was, even in that setting, it was hard to be honest with how i felt. When my arborist asked me how i was doing with other people around i said i was good. It wasn't until we were behind closed doors that i was able to say "I feel awful, just horrible". Even then it was a struggle to get those words across my lips. I told him how hard it was for me to even say that. I feel like i always have to be positive, not just for myself but for others. Maybe I'll be talking to someone who needs some hope, who needs to see a smile, who needs a small sign that everything will be ok? How selfish would i be to be honest and express how much i was really hurting?

Thankfully when the doors closed, i *was* able to say how much i was hurting. I don't know what this day would have brought me if i didn't get that stuff out. There was so much of it, i think i rambled for a good 30 mins before i let him talk.

When he did talk, he said something interesting to me. He said he didn't know what my shadow was. He said most times by the end of the first meeting with someone, he knows at least a bit what their shadow is, what the dark part is that they have that balances out the light part. He said with me, even though this was our 4th meeting, he still had no idea what my shadow was. He expressed that he didn't feel i was being deceptive, or even holding anything back, just that he hadn't been able to see it yet.

So of course, now I'm trying to figure out my shadow. The fact that it hasn't shown itself yet makes me worry that maybe mine is darker and deeper than most. Any ideas?

I feel a little better going into today. Like a have a slightly better grasp on my own heart. There are still a few things that if i think of them it derails me totally for a bit, but those moments are becoming further apart. I had a chat with a friend this morning who gave me a good idea about a project i can do that will keep my focus on others. It's win/win, since i get to do something for other people, and hopefully make them smile, while at the same time getting my thoughts off me, which is doing me little good.

Hopefully, i can also start making better decisions. This week (especially Tuesday) has not been a week to be proud my decisions. I started making those decisions that are so bad that while you are dong them your head is going "Why am i doing this? Why am i doing this?!". That's never a good place to be in.