7 Years later...

Forgiveness is very important to me. I like to do my best to have and give a clean slate to those who have crossed paths with me, when one has wronged the other. I know it is hard to forgive people who have wronged you, but how hard is it really? In order to forgive someone, you are still telling them (not in so many words) "you did something wrong". In order to give someone else forgiveness, on some level, you are placing the blame on them.

Sometimes its harder to ask for forgiveness. When you ask for forgiveness you are taking the blame upon yourself. With our society increasingly getting to the point that no one seems to take any kind of personal responsibility for their actions, this is getting harder and harder.

There is someone in my life that i feel i need to ask forgiveness. Seven years ago i dated them, and then broke up with them without a lot of warning. Worse yet, afterwards i acted very cold and callous towards her, convincing myself that it was better that way. What a load of crap.

This girl did nothing wrong. She was the perfect girlfriend. I made the mistake of dating someone when i was still emotionally tied to someone else. It was my mistake and mine alone.

Shortly thereafter we parted ways. We each graduated college and went separate ways. I had no idea where she ended up. Her family moved away and had a different last name. Her last name was very common so there was really no way to find her. This was seven years ago. From time to time i would search a bit for her when i had nothing better to do, hoping that one day i would find an e-mail address or something and could apologize, could ask forgiveness. I could never find anything, as far as public information was concerned she had vanished.

Until yesterday...

Yesterday i was bored on a lunch break and took a peek around google. Suddenly there she was. What she was up to, when she got married, and her e-mail address. Clear as day.

Im sure she doesnt care about what happened 7 years ago. 6 years ago she got married, and it seems she must be happy right now doing the kind of thing she always dreamed of. Im surely no more than a blip in her history, something that means little to her. In fact, she is probably happy that i made the choices i did. By comparison to what she has now, im sure the road with me would have been much less successful.

I still want to apologize. For me. So when the thought of her comes to my mind, ill know that while i treated her poorly, i'll have admitted it, and asked for forgiveness. Whether she responds or not means little, i just need to say it. Is that selfish? My best friend told me that while it will make me feel better it will just put her in an uncomfortable situation. I dont see that. If she doesnt care she can just ignore it. If she is glad that i admitted my a$$holery, then that is a bonus. If it upsets her.....well who would get upset at an admittance of wrongdoing?

I dunno, i guess there is no rush. It has been 7 years after all...