Muses

My arborist brought up concept with me of women as my muses. In the context of what we were speaking of, it was a specific woman he was referring to, but maybe it goes for all of them?

What inspires me in life more than women? What else acts as the grand catalyst for me to access the best parts of me, the things i want to be the most? Sure, my faith can be a catalyst in that matter, but not with the same drive.

Not with the same passion.

The concept of a man projecting his Anima onto a woman is something that has been in mind over the past weeks for a variety of reasons. When i meet a woman who inspires me to be romantic, i rarely approach this situation with careful consideration and reserve. My heart throws me with all my energy into manifesting what i feel on the inside into something tangible that i can share with this person who has inspired these feelings in me. Obviously, my methods of manifestation are not the norm (Both in what i usually choose not to do, as well as the things i *do* choose to do), but they still manifest pretty intensely.

So I'm thinking a lot about intensity.

At some point I'm going to attempt another relationship. I know me, and that means it will most likely be sooner rather than later. I feel a desire to have a partner, and i don't see that going away anytime soon. I know that i am not worthless without a partner. But i do know that I'm at my best when i am helping and supporting others, and i crave that closeness of that kind of connection.

Granted, when you tell two people you love them, after not saying those words to anyone in 7 years, and they both reject you outright (after speaking those words back to you no less...), it does sting a little bit. It makes you weary of opening up that way to someone again. The drive for the connection is deep, but the memories of those feelings when you are discarded are fresh. And probably deeper...

I'm not sure what i would be looking for now. Apparently a woman that I'm super attracted to, that is interesting, inspiring, caring, and giving, one who tells me they love me.... These are all my new red flags. These are all the things that i started from to get to the place i have come to.

What is the alternative? People that are mildly interesting, who show some interest, but not a tremendous amount, who seem at times to care for me, but don't seem as if they would be too upset if i never called again? Is this anyway to seek your partner?

Should i not be inspired by the woman in my arms?

I know i have a lot to learn. The simple fact that this post is heavy on questions, and light on answers is a pretty clear indication of that.

It's funny that while i am patient in life situations, I'm frequently impatient with life itself. Time after time things can happen today that will require me to wait around for others, and do things on other people's schedules, and my laid back personality will smile, and continue to be happy and satisfied. But when life starts to drag. When dreams feel stalled. When plans seem to take forever to get to the next step, the time in my soul is interminable!

Like anything else, i need to think of these one day at a time. Sure, i need to make sure I'm taking the kind of steps that will benefit my long term healing and growth as well, but i cant heal everything and grow as much as i need to today. All i can do today is make the decisions that will lead me one step closer to healing. One step further growing in the right direction. One step closer to understanding this person i am on the inside.