Struggle

It's my own fault.

I know that when i post on here, I'm usually only motivated to do so when something is heavy on my heart and I'm trying to work through the feelings and questions that i have. In other venues, i sometimes also only express something when I'm struggling. Since happiness and joy tend to be my usual default feelings, it doesn't occur to me to share these things.

So i thought i would clear a few things up.

The disclaimer on the top of my blog may be the most important thing to read if you are here. "Do not decide these cries of mine, they are the road and not the sign". I hope anyone who comes across this blog doesn't take the words too deeply to heart. Most of the things i express on here are not things I'm sure of, or feeling i have with any sense of certainly, they are a snapshot of my mind and heart at a particular moment. Sometimes in moments of elation where life feels perfect and I'm blinded to the reality of life, and sometimes when i feel at my lowest and my heart is trying to understand why, what, how, when....

In any event, don't read too much into it. It's raw process, very rarely decisions or solid ground. It's me at my most confused trying to make sense of the noise in my heart and mind.

Sometimes there is a lot of noise in there. It's no wonder I've taken to spending large swaths of time by myself in quiet peaceful places. I need the quiet to balance out what is inside of me.

There are two things that happened that caused me to write this.

One, i caused pain to someone through my words on here. It was unintentional, but in the end it doesn't matter. My raw words were read, interpreted in a way i didn't mean them, and caused pain to someone i care about very much, of the few people I've told i love them.

It still hurts me to know i did this. I hope somewhere she knows how sorry i am.

The second reason I'm writing this, is because i think i have underestimated how much of my inner sadness I've been letting out to the outside world. I think i thought i was keeping it in check a bit, but a look over my blog shows that this isn't so. It isn't that i want to hold back here. This is one of my true forms of expression and release that i use to get out what is inside (getting out what is inside of me, is not really my strongest attribute...). That being said, i don't want to come across that I'm sad all the time.

This has been the toughest few months of my life. For whatever reason i have met people i truly felt a bond with, and i have pursued them without my usual hesitation or careful planning and consideration of all options. I have given myself like i previously held back, and yet found myself alone in the end. It's been a struggle. Some of my darkest moments have been in the past few months, especially the past few weeks.

But i am more than my struggle. I promise.

I am still filled with wonder and delight, it's just a little muted. I still enjoy all that life has to offer, i just sometimes have to stop in the middle and let out a big sigh. I still dream the wildest and most intense of dreams, it's just that some of them make me hurt a little when i realize they may not end up looking quite how i dreamed them.

I came to this conclusion when i got a big hug from my mother yesterday, who then started crying and told me that she doesn't want to me to be sad anymore. I tried to tell her that i wasn't that sad and i was fine but she was having none of it. She kept crying and she said she knew i was sad.

She then said she wanted to step on Joy's toes. That's about as violent as my mother gets so it's clear she was emotional about the issue. I couldn't help but smile at her choice of words. Who chooses stepping on someone's toes as their physical method of expressing their unhappiness with someone's actions? Apparently, my mother.

I don't want my mother to hurt Joy, or any other woman with whom my interactions with may have eventually lead to hurt on my end. I don't want them to hurt at all. If every woman who decides I'm not the man for them, finds the next guy to *be* the man for them, there is nothing i would want more. Hopefully he is someone that will cherish them, care for them, think of them, and excite them even more than i ever did in my time with them, and hopefully they can return the feelings that for whatever reason they were unable to keep returning to me.

My desire to have a partner and companion, and my desire to *be with* a specific person, is something separate from my care and concern for them. When i date someone, i want them to feel cared for, to know that my place in their life is not about what i get (even though its usually considerable), but about their feelings and happiness. This doesn't change if they decide to remove me from the equation.

I know the normal thing to do is be bitter. To want them to see that without you they wont truly be happy. That the other people they replace you with wont care as much, wont be as supportive, and wont love them like you did.

I'm just not wired that way, not anymore. Sure in my younger years, i felt these things a few times. Even then, they didn't feel right. Thankfully, as I've gotten older, I've changed enough to the point that i don't even have the urge to think these things.

Ah, I've rambled!

In closing:

I'm not that sad, I promise.

I'm really, really sorry if i hurt you.

I only want the best for you, even if that isn't me.