Dirty Day

"I don't know you, and you dont know the half of it"

Im having this odd night where i feel utterly open, vulnerable to everything. My thoughts constantly betray me, reminding me of the things that have not gone as planned. Reminding me of the plans i made that i should not have made.

Id like to think i learned a lot this year, but who knows. I got out of a relationship that had i been more honest with myself, i should have exited a while ago. I got into a relationship where i tried to do everything for the other person as much as possible. Looking back, i know i failed many times along that road, but i think i achieved that greater in that relationship than in any other. I honestly tried to put that person's needs before my own as much as i could. Maybe for the first time, i tried to love a person as *i* define love.

"And love, it wont last kissing time"

Not that it did me any good. That's the point though, right? Its not supposed to do *me* good, it does them good. One would think however that this type of behaviour would lend itself to a successful relationship. Of course, i ignored all the warning signs as well. I think im still too trusting of people, especially in relationships. I recognize that in myself, but then, how else do you take that chance? How else do you put yourself open for the hurt, with the hope that the connection you make will be worth it?

"If you need someone to blame, throw in a rock in the air, you're bound to hit someone guilty"

Truth be told, i wouldnt take anything back. Sure, i would have done things differently in hindsight, but none of these situations are ones where i would erase the positive moments i had with these people, just to not have to go through the painful ones. I guess that means it was all worth it?

"You can't even remember what im trying to forget"

I know this post is going nowhere. Im not mentioning any specifics of what is on my mind. Its everything. Things in myself i dont like but cant run away from. Watching people i care about hurt, sometimes due to thier own stubborness and pride. Thinking of those who have discarded me, unable to let go of my memories. Im an emotional pack rat as much as i am a physical one. I hold on to everything. Every instant of my life that makes an impression. Even when those who made the impression are long gone.

"You can hold on to something so tight, you've already lost it"

Ill keep moving forward, surely making the same mistakes again. Im sure sometimes ill improve in little increments here and there. I dont think anyone gets it right. We're all messed up people fighting for that little bit of solace when things feel just right, even if just for a moment. I suppose i should be happy that ive had so many of those moments this year. Beautiful women in my arms, that for that moment at least, were perfect.... even if a few weeks later (or days later in some cases) it was all going to fall to pieces. Moments when music was created before me and reminded me why life is always the better choice, that feeling pain is better than feeling nothing, for the pain makes those moments jarring and clear.

"Hear what i say, nothing's as simple as you think. Wake up.... Some things you can't get around"

Yeah, i know. Im slow.