Nagasaki

Today is the 70th anniversary of the bombing of Nagasaki. Thankfully there have been no other uses of atomic bombs on people in the 70 years since. The people of Nagasaki are tireless caretakers of the warnings to world about the need for vigilance regarding atomic weaponry. The city itself has been rebuilt into an amazing multicultural port city that is teeming with life and vitality, while never forgetting what it is they have rebuilt from. Hopefully some day we'll get back to this amazing city.

Journying My Way Back To The Blog...

RIP Little Bill-Bill

On Friday my wife and I lost one of our family. One of our beloved kitties, Bill-Bill, passed away at the age of 14. I know some people don't understand strong attachments to pets, and others have pets without developing strong attachments themselves, but that's just not the way we are. Our cats are our companions. They keep us company when the other person is away, and they complete our family when we are all together. Bill-Bill was a huge part of our family and will be missed daily.

Bill was our noisy kitty. He would have an entire conversation with you, if you were willing to talk back after every meow. He rubbed his head against things loudly. He walked with a definite audible sound. He ate louder than anyone. You always knew when Bill was around.

Now the house is so quiet. We miss all of his sounds.

I'll miss the way he would snuggle up to me by facing away from me, and then laying back into me, content to be touching me but looking away from me. If we let him in the bedroom in the morning he would run inside, jump onto the bed always in the same spot, then run over and sit in the same place next to me every morning. I don't know why he liked that spot next to me so much, but i loved having him there.

I try to hide my sadness as much as i can from my wife since she is suffering more. I knew Bill for a year and a half, but Bill was her companion for 14 years. He even traveled cross country with her 4 times. I wish i had the words to take away her sadness. I don't.

Burying him was one of the most difficult things i have ever done. Being strong and doing what needs to be done, even when all you want to do is cry, is part of being a husband and the head of a household. Not something that came up a lot when i was single. I hope I'm always up to the challenge.


RIP little Bill-Bill. I miss you everyday =(

Music Memories

As I was driving in my car yesterday i listened to something I hadn't in a few weeks. I put on the bootleg of Jonsi's concert at Laugardashol in Reykjavik, specifically the closing song "Grow Til Tall". It's amazing to me how within just the first few notes i could remember being exactly in that moment. Sitting in an Icelandic sports hall, not being able to remember how long it had been since i slept last. Feeling that overtired bittersweet concert feeling where you love each song, but somewhere deep down hoping it's the last song because you have nothing left to give as a listener.

I remember looking at my beautiful new wife at my side, surely more tired than myself, both of us ready to get a good night's sleep and begin our adventure in Iceland.


What a great night that was, and how amazing that technology and music let me re-live that moment.

Icelandic Serenity

One of my favorite moments in a trip through Iceland.

Updates!

I read the latest blog post from a buddy i didn't even know had a blog, and it reminded me that I had one too.

Hi.

Things have been busy around here. I have a wedding in 16 days, I'm pondering new positions at work, I'm readying a top 30 of 2010 and top 50 of the 2000's music list, I'm getting ready for a trip to Iceland, finishing my degree (after a 12 year hiatus), home renovations, trying to Christmas shop...

Really the wedding is the big one. I'm happy to share the work load with my fiance (though truthfully, it's a 40/60 split at best), but it sure is a lot of work. Even now this close to the event we are still figuring out ceremony details, music selections, program details...

None of that is a complaint, this is the best year of my life, by far.

My fiance is amazing. She is truly the soul-mate i always thought i didn't have. I was completely wrong on this one. We *do* have soul-mates and mine is upstairs right now trying to sleep.

As much as i am looking forward to the wedding proper, part of me can't wait until this is over and we can go to Iceland and (sorta) relax. I only put the "sorta" in there because we have so much cool stuff planned. Horseback riding through lava fields? check. Monster truck tours of volcanos? check. My favorite Icelandic artist's only Iceland show of the year? check. Natural hot springs? check. Northern lights? check. The world's largest fireworks display? check. Bed and Breakfast at the foot of the active volcano that caused travel havoc all year? check.

I'm sure I'm forgetting a few things, but it's a pretty packed trip.

I promise to post pictures.

GY!BE

My awesome fiance snagged us two tickets for Godspeed You! Black Emperor in March in Detroit.

I'm a wee bit excited.

Change of Time

I had a dream last night
I dreamt that I was swimming
And the stars up above
Directionless and drifting
Somewhere in the dark
Were the sirens and the thunder
And around me as I swam
The drifters who'd gone under

Time, love
Time, love
Time, love
It's only a change of time

I had a dream last night
And rusting far below me
Battered hulls and broken hardships
Leviathan and Lonely
I was thirsty so I drank
And though it was salt water
There was something about the way
It tasted so familiar

The black clouds I'm hanging
This anchor I'm dragging
The sails of memory rip open in silence
We cut through the lowlands
All hands through the saltlands
The white caps of memory
Confusing and violent

I had a dream last night
And when I opened my eyes
Your shoulder blade, your spine
Were shorelines in the moon light
New worlds for the weary
New lands for the living
I could make it if I tried
I closed my eyes I kept on swimming

(rough seas, they carry me wherever I go)

B U R N I N G !

Mogwai Live Film "Burning" Teaser from Nathanaël Le Scouarnec on Vimeo.

Truth, and Self Deception

I was thinking about truth tonight.

This is not an unusual subject for me. It's in my head a lot.

I have trouble wrapping my brain around a concept that a lot of people seem to have no problem with at all. It frequently rears it's head when someone is choosing their personal religious beliefs. It's the concept of a person choosing a belief, or group of beliefs, that "fits" the person's preferences, or meshes with their personal worldview. It seems to come up most often for the people who consider themselves spiritual, but not religious. Those who subscribe to a certain segment of a doctrinal belief system, but not all of it. Maybe they even subscribe to slices of different belief systems, without wholly believing in one completely.

This isn't in itself a problem. I'd be pretty hypocritical if i stated that everyone should pick a belief system and decide every part of it is true and that's that. Not accepting parts of traditional religion while accepting others is fine. Especially considering the amount of "extra" things that get tacked onto groups of beliefs over time due to tradition and cultural influences. Denying parts of a belief system that the majority of other believers accept is perfectly fine, as long as it's for the right reasons.

The problem is the reason that some people do it. Some people do it because they don't like part of a belief system.

This is where i become flabbergasted a bit. What does liking something have to do with it being true? If something is true, it's true whether you or i like it or not. Gravity is gravity, no matter how much you think it would be nicer to just float around all day. For most people, that kind of absolute truth is obvious, but when it comes to spiritual beliefs it suddenly becomes a matter of preference.

I suppose i shouldn't be flabbergasted at all. There is part of human nature i know all too well that is most likely behind this. People, whether they realize it or not, are incredibly prone to self deception. When the chips are down, unless they are fighting against the urge, they will gladly believe in whatever makes them feel better. They will subconsciously ignore the realities in life that make the most obvious and logical sense, and skip right to the one that helps them sleep at night.

I'm 15 years removed from my last Psychology class so i won't pretend to profess any specific clinical reason for this, but you don't have to look hard to see it. It's amazing to see sometimes how parents refuse to believe things about their children that are obvious to everyone else. Substance abuse, abusiveness, self destructive behaviors.... things that everyone with a pairs of eyes and 5 minutes in the same room with someone can see, parents are frequently oblivious about. Somewhere deep down in the parent as a defense mechanism their subconscious is saying "not *my* son" or "not *my* daughter", and they go to sleep at night blissfully ignorant of what others can clearly see.

We deceive ourselves.

Self deception terrifies me. It terrifies me because even though I'm cognizant of it's virus like abilities in our subconscious, i still know that my awareness of it doesn't make me immune to it.

It's not just the "spiritual, but not religious" crowd that is prone to this. It's a behavior that is certainly prevalent in the devout religious people as well.

I frequently see the following behavior in conservative Christians (I pick this group because it's one that in my life travels i have, by far, spent the most time with). The behavior I'm referring to is a propensity to "protect" their faith. They wont entertain viewpoints from people who are atheist, or anti-christian in some way. They wont watch movies or listen to music created by people with ideas and beliefs that vary widely from their traditional Christian views.

Why? If what you believe is true, opening yourself up to other ideas will bring you back to the same place you started. If it doesn't, then maybe what you believe *isn't* true, and it's time to reassess your beliefs. Truth doesn't need your protecting, it's validity is all the protection it needs. A scientist doesn't think up a hypothesis, but then refuse to test it in fear that the tests may prove the hypothesis false. A scientist knows that as good or as exciting as any idea is, it's worthless until it faces as many tests as they can throw at it, and is still left standing.

I suppose a lot of people have no desire to reassess their beliefs, even if their beliefs are not rooted in reality. They "like" their hypothesis so much that the last thing they want to do is find out if it's really true or not.

The question i suppose then is this: Would you rather know truth, even if it makes you unhappy, or makes it difficult to sleep at night; or would you prefer to believe in something that makes you happy, gives you hope, and let's you go to sleep at night with a smile on your face, even if it isn't actually true?

Wedding Work

We are working on a wedding website. Should be fun when it's up and running.

I have been surprised to find out how much i am enjoying planning a wedding with my fiance. I think that's just another indication that I'm marrying the right person.

Though it's not like i needed any additional signs.

More is Coming

Seriously.

Sorry.

Just give me a day or two.

Promise.

GYBE!

Old news, but happy news....

Love

Someone told me last night that i hadn't blogged in a while. They were right. This was on my mind today as i worked today; sadly and rarely on a Sunday, so i thought i would share it.

I thought about love.

I spent years and years trying to come up with a definition for love that made sense to me. I was always unhappy with people who seem to throw the word around without much thought. It frequently seemed as if all the people who were using the word didn't seem to know what it meant themselves, they were just throwing the word around because they felt they were supposed to.

I was never really sure what people meant when they said it.

"You make me feel good" sometimes seemed the meaning. "I'm sorry" it seemed to mean other time. Sometimes it simply seemed to mean "Goodbye".

In addition to having trouble figuring out the meaning of word via a person's immediate context, there came the overarching way the people interacted with each other versus the supposed meaning of the word. I know people who spoke to each other, treated each other, in ways that wouldn't be considered loving by anyone's definition, yet still tossed the word around.

Whatever the meaning was, i had pretty much decided to stop using the phrase until i could figure out what it means, or at least what it means to me.

After years of thinking, i came up with something that made sense to me. Love to me really wasn't a feeling. Don't get me wrong, feelings are certainly involved, but it was something you do. An action. You can feel a lot of things, but those feelings don't always translate into loving actions to others no matter how "loving" the feelings are.

So my definition was pretty simple. Not an emotion, love was the simple act of putting someone else's needs or wants ahead of your own. It could be something as simple as small as letting someone else have the last cookie even though you want it yourself. It could be something as large as giving someone a kidney. In any event, the loving thing to do always involves putting someone's needs ahead of your own.

So i was once again free to start using the phrase again, as long as i did my best to use it within the confines of my own definition. If i was going to tell someone i loved them, i needed to make sure i was also walking the walk, and doing my best to put their needs ahead of my own. This is obviously easier said than done. For me it isn't about being perfect, it's about deciding each day to try and this a little harder than the day before.

I came up with this all a while back, maybe 2 years ago. Things since then have changed a lot. Within the past 6 months i have met the woman of my dreams, realized a lot of the manufacturing i was frequently attempting in previous relationships, began to understand how "easy" things can be when you find the right person, and now find myself planning a wedding.

I think my definition of love is continuing to evolve.

Don't get me wrong, i think my definition is accurate. It just may not be complete.

Finding that right person for myself opened my eyes to more than i understood before. Most of it is still a bit overwhelming and will take awhile to sift through. It's good though. I have the rest of my life to understand it. I have a partner to understand it with. I can't wait to see where the journey goes. I can't wait to see the new things my eyes will be opened to.

Country Disappeared

Wilco - Country Disappeared - A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.