Dirty Day

"I don't know you, and you dont know the half of it"

Im having this odd night where i feel utterly open, vulnerable to everything. My thoughts constantly betray me, reminding me of the things that have not gone as planned. Reminding me of the plans i made that i should not have made.

Id like to think i learned a lot this year, but who knows. I got out of a relationship that had i been more honest with myself, i should have exited a while ago. I got into a relationship where i tried to do everything for the other person as much as possible. Looking back, i know i failed many times along that road, but i think i achieved that greater in that relationship than in any other. I honestly tried to put that person's needs before my own as much as i could. Maybe for the first time, i tried to love a person as *i* define love.

"And love, it wont last kissing time"

Not that it did me any good. That's the point though, right? Its not supposed to do *me* good, it does them good. One would think however that this type of behaviour would lend itself to a successful relationship. Of course, i ignored all the warning signs as well. I think im still too trusting of people, especially in relationships. I recognize that in myself, but then, how else do you take that chance? How else do you put yourself open for the hurt, with the hope that the connection you make will be worth it?

"If you need someone to blame, throw in a rock in the air, you're bound to hit someone guilty"

Truth be told, i wouldnt take anything back. Sure, i would have done things differently in hindsight, but none of these situations are ones where i would erase the positive moments i had with these people, just to not have to go through the painful ones. I guess that means it was all worth it?

"You can't even remember what im trying to forget"

I know this post is going nowhere. Im not mentioning any specifics of what is on my mind. Its everything. Things in myself i dont like but cant run away from. Watching people i care about hurt, sometimes due to thier own stubborness and pride. Thinking of those who have discarded me, unable to let go of my memories. Im an emotional pack rat as much as i am a physical one. I hold on to everything. Every instant of my life that makes an impression. Even when those who made the impression are long gone.

"You can hold on to something so tight, you've already lost it"

Ill keep moving forward, surely making the same mistakes again. Im sure sometimes ill improve in little increments here and there. I dont think anyone gets it right. We're all messed up people fighting for that little bit of solace when things feel just right, even if just for a moment. I suppose i should be happy that ive had so many of those moments this year. Beautiful women in my arms, that for that moment at least, were perfect.... even if a few weeks later (or days later in some cases) it was all going to fall to pieces. Moments when music was created before me and reminded me why life is always the better choice, that feeling pain is better than feeling nothing, for the pain makes those moments jarring and clear.

"Hear what i say, nothing's as simple as you think. Wake up.... Some things you can't get around"

Yeah, i know. Im slow.

Top 30 albums of 2008

Comments in process, here's the list

30. The Gutter Twins - Saturnalia
29. Nada Surf - Lucky
28. Coldplay - Viva La Vida
27. Secret Machines - Secret machines
26. They Sang As They Slew - The Resistance
25. The Autumns - Fake Noise From a Box of Toys
24. City and Colour - Bring Me Your Love
23. Mogwai - The Hawk is Howling
22. The last Shadow Puppets - The Age of Understatement
21. Wovenhand - 10 Stones

20. The Armada - The Armada
19. Mike Doughty - Golden Delicious
18. Anathallo - Canopy Glow
17. Au Revoir Borealis - Dark Enough For Stars
16. The Breeders - Mountain Battles
15. British Sea Power - Do You Like Rock Music?
14. Marnie Stern - This is It and I am It anf You are It and So That is That and He is It and She is It and It is It and That is That
13. Nine Inch Nails - The Slip
12. Russian Circles - Station
11. The Dears - Missles

10. Damien Jurado - Caught in the Trees
9. Cold War Kids - Loyalty to Loyalty
8. Sigur Ros - Med Sud I Eyrum Vid Spilum Endalaust
7. Thee Silver Mt Zion Memorial Orchestra and Tra La La Band - 13 Blues for 13 Moons
6. This Will Destroy You - This Will Destroy You
5. Okkervil River - The Stand Ins
4. My Brightest Diamond - A Thousand Shark's Teeth
3. Ours - Mercy (Dancing For the Death of an Imaginary Friend)
2. Elbow - The Seldom Seen Kid
1. Portishead - Third

Top 30 on its way....

Im hashing out all this year's releases for my annual list. As usual, its very difficult. Using a spreadsheet helps, but i always have to go back and listen to the albums that are close on the list, or close to making/not making the list. Gonna be a long night, but i want this done my Monday. Wish me luck...

Cross Border Shopping

Im trying to mentally close out 2008. This usually means my year end music list (which is in process), but since i did so much dating this year, im trying to orgnize and tuck all that away too.

Just for the record, i went on 1st dates with 8 girls this year. 5 of them i had 2nd dates with. Only *one* of them got as far as a 3rd date. Clearly there is something happening (or not happening) on that 2nd date i need to be aware of. Maybe im too slow of a mover? Of the 8, I only kissed two of them, one being my girlfriend, and the other being a first date kiss.

My dating involved 2 countries this year, and i think i might try to cut that number in half for 2009. As a friend put it, if you live in Canada and we're talking, you have been grandfathered in, but no new Canadian applicants. That country has been nothing but heartbreak this year. Just the smell of anything maple makes me queasy lately. Thanks a lot Canada! Your women are heartbreakers.

Ive also decided that nice women are the hardest to date. I know that must sound awful/crazy, but it just seems to be that way. Girls that are a little unstable or have a bit of a wicked streak in them are easier to date because they tend to be open to showing all sides of thier personality, where as a nice girl tends to always be on her best behavior. Maybe thats my problem too? Always on my best behavior?

That being said im working on setting up a 3rd date with a very nice girl. Seems like a moral victory just getting to date #3. Wish me luck.

What does everyone want for Christmas?

Sunken Treasure

There's rows and rows of houses, with windows painted blue.
With the light from the t.v. running parallel to you.
But there is no sunken treasure, rumored to be.
Wrapped inside my ribs in a sea black with ink.
I am so out of tune with you, I am so out of tune with you.
If I had a mountain, I'd try to fold it over.
If I had a boat, you know I'd probably roll over.
And I leave it on the shore, I'd leave it for somebody.
Surely there's somebody who needs it more than me.
I am so out of tune with you, I am so out of tune with you.
All the leaves will burn and autumn fires then return.
All the fires we burn, all will return.
Music is my savior, and I was maimed by rock and roll.
I was maimed by rock and roll.
I was tamed by rock and roll.
I got my name from rock and roll.

Grosse Pointe Blank 2

Just to update you all on my home theatre (im sure you are all incredibly concerned). The home theatre is working again, though the display screen seems toast. It constantly lights up everything all the time. Sucks, but at least my surround sound isnt toast.

I was even able to watch a movie, and the movie chosen was "War Inc.". John Cusack has referred to this movie as kind of a spritual sequel to Grosse Pointe Blank, though he strangely didnt do any press for the flick (not unusal for him) or even show up for the premire with the rest of the cast. And this is a movie he co-wrote.

Anyways, its worth viewing if you liked GPB. In addition to John, His sister Joan, and Dan Akroyd all are in the flick in GPB similar roles. The movie goals off the rails a bit near the end, and fails a bit at some of things its obviously trying to achieve, but it was enjoyable. Also in there are Marisa Tomei and Hillary Duff. Everyone should watch the movie to see how well Duff plays a hootchie, and to see what she does with that scorpion.

Such an Awful Day

Sigh

Yesterday was an exciting day. I had made plans with an old friend to get together and spend the day. I was really looking forward to it. I was gonna go pick her up and bring her here. We were gonna watch some movies. Maybe have some dinner. Catch up.

I got up early to get a nice jump on the day. She was already up. She cancelled our plans.

Hm, ok. My day was much less exciting now. But i was sure id get by.

I did get a chance to talk to the nice girl i had the date with last weekend. This was what my day needed! Maybe i could set up plans for date #2! She told me that she would like to get together again, but that she thinks she starting again too soon after the last relationship, so it wont be anytime soon.

Hm, ok, this didnt make my day any better.

I did spend some time chatting to a new girl i just started talking to. She asked me how tall i was. I told her. She asked how much i weighed. I told her. She says "Thats seems heavy to me". Er.... Then she asks for a picture. I provide one. She says "You have a style not unlike Osama Bin Laiden". Um...

Compliments arent really this girl's strong suit. No love connection there.

I figured i would go out and buy some movies. This is a poor idea since i own 47 movies i have yet to watch. I still went out and bought 6 movies. I figured i would pop one in and at least enjoy a movie. I finally got a chance to snag War Inc, the unofficial sequel to Grosse Point Blank (kind of how Made was an unofficial sequel to Swingers).

So i go to press the open button on my home theatre and as i reach for the button, a spark of static electricity jumps from my finger to home theatre and frys it. Seriously, i cant make this stuff up.

The rest of the day is a blur. I should have just gone to bed right then and there. =P