Send The Pain Below

This has been the worst week in a long while. I look at my heart tonight and wonder if i have undone all the improvement i did over the past few months. I wonder if i really improved at all? Maybe i lied the way we all do, at least when we do it right. We lie to ourselves so the words that come out of our mouth are truth to us.

Self deception.

I dunno. I've been so good at saying the right things. *Doing* the right things on some level. I faced the test this week that i knew i would have to face eventually. I ran into.... her. We talked. I said all the right things. I smiled, but not too much. I didn't say anything angry. I didn't say anything snide. I didn't tell her i missed her. I didn't ask her why. I didn't try to hurt her, like she hurt me.

But what does it matter? A moral victory. A little feather in my cap that at the end of the day doesn't mean anything when everyone leaves for the night.

I can say the right things to her when i sit across a Starbucks table unexpectedly on a Tuesday afternoon. When will my heart start saying the right things to me when only i can hear it.

It probably didn't help that i saw her *again* today. At least this time she didn't see me.

It also probably didn't help that i chose to go the way home that takes me right by her new house. Looks like she had a pretty festive Halloween party going on.

Sigh. Why cant we speed up the healing of the heart?

Tonight i could actually feel rage. Those of you who know me, probably know rage isn't really an emotion i struggle with. Tonight i felt it. For a few minutes i could feel it inside, building, aimed at her squarely. But after a few minutes it changed direction. It found a better target. The rage looked squarely are me.

Sure i can be angry at someone else for their decisions and actions. That's easy. In the end that only serves to give me an excuse to ignore my actions and my decisions. That's all that i can control. Me. Patrick. My choices.

I wish i could say i have it all figured out. Most days i feel more lost than ever. I sit and talk to my arborist. I read about my shadow. I take time to be quiet. But i don't have it figured out. As soon as something stokes the fire, I'm helpless to do anything but burn.

Tonight i smolder. A week of sparks i couldn't defend. I smiled and looked fine, all the while my back was burning.

I wonder if everyone saw the smoke?

I Think I Preferred a Joyless Existance

Sorry the original thoughts have been scarce as of late. Just processing the unexpected. When the processes gets a little further I'm sure the words will start flowing.

The dam is surely getting ready to break....

Wrong Time

You're so red in the eyes
Either too low or too high
When I met you,
You were sick but you did not know why

I was a pretty poor cure
But my love for you was always sure
The bucket was broken
But the water was pure

Leave

I can't wait forever is all that you said
Before you stood up
And you won't disappoint me
I can do that myself
But I'm glad that you've come
Now if you don't mind

Leave, leave,
And free yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
I don't understand, you've already gone

And I hope you feel better
Now that it's out
What took you so long
And the truth has a habit
Of falling out of your mouth
But now that it's come
If you don't mind

Leave, leave,
And please yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you have to now
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you came to now
Leave, leave,
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you have to now
Leave, leave...

I Never Wanted You

I never wanted you
I never wanted to
I know I told you I did
In front of witnesses
And then we lit one wick
But now I get my kicks

I know you never suspected
Because I never said
Baby I was faking the whole time
How could you ever have guessed it?
With no accomplices,
Baby, I was faking the whole time

You know it isn't like me to be
Inflammatory
But rather than let you think that I was
So naive, I'd have you believe

I never wanted you
I never wanted you
You never had my heart
Our love was never true

I know you never suspected
Because I never said, but
Baby, I was faking the whole time
How could you ever have guessed it?
With no accomplices,
Baby, I was faking the whole time

No we never connected
You only thought we did
Baby, I was faking the whole time

Autumn is in Full Gust

You would think with my love for Autumn and all things melancholy, I would be blogging up a storm, but as of yet, not so much. It isn't that life hasn't been interesting, it's just been lived more than it's been blogged about. I'll try to find a better balance, though a quick glance across my blog seems to show that i was out of balance on the *over* blogging side for awhile. Maybe i was just balancing things out long term?

Dating has been adventuresome. There was the girl who kind of reminded me of a white Oprah (not physically, just personality somehow), the girl i thought was really impressive that gave me a handshake at the end of the date and told me i wasn't her type, the girl with the pink hair who mentioned my father during the date without knowing he was my dad and referred to him as "Uncle Carl", and finally the girl i went on 2 great dates with that i really like that i haven't seen in almost a month as she is too busy to really get together.

Feel free to laugh a little. I do it all the time.

What's up next? Gosh, maybe the Art Therapist? The mom who makes pottery? The girl who told me about her glow in the dark pumpkin panties? A 3rd date with the girl i really like? Sigh, the last choice is the *best* choice, and the least likely choice. Why am i so attracted to people who seem totally unable to handle a stable relationship when i meet them?

3rd date girl is the probably one of the funniest humans i have ever met. Funny in a I can't believe she just said that, that's so inappropriate, my god i am tremendously attracted to her, kinda way. That's the best way of course. She needs to get off her ass and free herself for a third date with me! Seriously. Also, killer eyes and smile. I'm not too hard to please if you have those things going for you...

Alright, enough dating stuff, it is what it is.

I'm starting to compile my spreadsheet for my Top 30 albums of the year. I'm listening to the new Matthew Good CD "Vancouver" that was imported from Canada for me yesterday. Sounds like it's top 20 at least, but hard to tell this early on. More spins to come.

Any good albums come out this year that my blog readers think i should be considering?

Whistling Girl

A whistling girl
Among his flock of sheep
Lay breathing backward rest assured
Of Elijah and gods birds

It will fall to us
It will fall to us

Inside the home the folk pine grow
Where hearts are fire sparks are thrown
Is all that glitters
This terrible weakness

It falls to us
It falls to us
From his holy hill
By his perfect will

Through the open window of the
Soul tonight
His yolk is easy and his burden light
Kiss the sun lest he be angry
And you perish in the way

The rivers of the sky are dry
A roll up like a scroll
Down below
We tend to the forgetting
Forgetting what we know
The sun slips from your shoulder
As you enter in the wood
Without thought of thorns

Holding Patterns

I like to think I'm pretty good at dating. I certainly have a decent amount of practice at it. The fact is though, I'm only marginally good at it, and only on the outside. What i mean is that i think I'm good at planning a date, showing up punctually, picking good places to go, making good conversation, saying enough funny things, coming up with additional things to do on the fly, etc.

But inside i seem to be wrecked with crippling self doubt. This is a little new. Don't get me wrong, I've always struggled with doubt when it came to possible burgeoning relationships, but lately it's worse.

Sigh, and i suppose i know why.

But the why doesn't matter. I need to overcome it if I'm going to find a way through the woods that is dating to a healthy destination on the other side.

I've discovered that i lack patience in dating. I want to be in a relationship. I want something that feels good to accelerate into a relationship. As soon as i sense a girl that i think has potential has done something, that i perceive at least, to be a step backwards or slower than a pace that feels normal, I'm consumed with doubt. Does she not like me? Does she like someone else better? Maybe she is just going out with me to be nice? Maybe she is just trying to find a way to tell me she doesn't want to go out anymore, or is hoping I'll just wander off from lack of her communication.

Ugh, all that thinking is insufferable to read, even for me. I apologize to anyone reading this, but those are the thoughts that have been going through my head. All because the girl i like hasn't been quite as communicative with me as i expect of someone who is interested in me.

Of course the problem is pretty deep.

I'm reading a book that is designed to educate you about your "shadow self", your unconscious being that operates under the surface, separate from your ego, with own agenda, frequently with little connection to what our conscious self desires. It's a difficult read, both because it's so dense, and because it challenges you constantly to look at things about yourself that your brain is *constantly trying to avoid looking at*.

For example, it points out that one of the reasons our relationships are so difficult is that they "...carry, or suffer, the burden of our chief fantasy, namely, that the magical "other" will fix things for us, render our life meaningful, heal our wounds, and help us avoid the task of growing up and facing the huge existential vacuum that all conscious souls must engage".

Or phrased another way: "None of us is free of the deep, archaic fantasy that the other will make our life work for us, offer meaning, bring relief to our prior wounds, and, if we are luck, spare us the burden of growing up and taking our life on."

That.... might be true. Dammit!

"The shadow task here is daunting, for it means that one has to step into the places of doubt and anxiety, one has to accept the larger definition of oneself, and one has to accept finally that we are all alone, radically alone, and never more so than when in relationship with another."

Clearly i have much work ahead of me. As much as i don't want to accept this stuff, i know it to be true. I can feel it in all the areas i don't like. I look back on my previous relationship and i can see all the areas of my life that i felt were finally fulfilled due to me placing them at the feet of my partner. Taking all the things i struggle with, thinking she was strong in those areas and happily giving them over to her, thinking i was doing what people do in relationships; compliment each other. When she left me, i blamed her for all those areas feeling so empty again, instead of blaming myself for trying to have another fill my needs for me.

"We find it easier to blame our partners than to grow up, to recognize that we are the only ones present in each scene of that long running drama we call our life."

I see it in my dating. Why am i *so* eager to jump into a new relationship? So i can stop dealing with my pain. So i can forget my pain and start to instead enjoy a new person to place my hopes and dreams upon. What a vicious cycle.

And yet there is a balance. Being in a relationship isn't all bad, there are benefits and natural desires that are made for relationships.

The question is.... How do i grow up? How do i make myself whole regardless of my relationship status?

Did i mention i have a lot of work to do?