A Day After A Day in Toronto

I have a love/hate relationship with dating. I love it. And i really really hate it.

Nice date yesterday. Girl far exceeded my expectations, which were pretty high. I don't think i met hers. Maybe i did, women can be hard to read. I think i can however at least read that much.

Such is life.

Day off today. Might go sit by the lake. Read a lot. Listen to music. Thai food later with the family. I get to see my niece. That's always a good thing.

I have someone to pray for today that means the world to me. I hope she will be ok. I hope my prayers help. I hope she knows how i feel...

A Day in Toronto...

With a very interesting girl tomorrow. Wish me luck.

The Courtship of Eve

The song i posted below is far and away my favorite song right now. I listen to it all the time. I love the word choices, like i do in Leonard Cohen songs. The words just feel right. Some of the lines are some of my all time favorites in *any* song.

I mean, "I think about you leaving now and the avalanche cascades, and my eyes get washed away in chain reactions". How perfect is that?

And don't even get me started on "You told me of your flash of inspiration, you said fusion was the broken heart that's lonely only thought, and all night long you drove me wild with your equations". Just brilliant.

But after all these listens something else came through the words. I started thinking about Adam and Eve.

Sometimes the most interesting parts of the Bible for me are the parts that aren't mentioned. After all, Jesus lived for 33 years and we have (aside from the birth narrative, and a few odds and ends) 3 years of it chronicled. And even then, of those three years we get a peek at maybe 75 days or so. There is ton about the most important person in the Bible that we never read about.

The life of Adam and Eve are no different, and in fact they most likely lived much longer lives, and have much less of their lives chronicled. We know almost nothing about them, when you think of them as real people.

Adam and Eve would have been the same kind of people as you or i, in a lot of ways, full of complexities and difficulties. Even before the fall i would think. Preferences, opinions, curiosities. At first i thought maybe they were "perfect" before the fall, not prone to doubt and confusion like we are today, but if that was the case the fall would have never happened. I think they would have been a lot like us today, even before the fall.

Their lives, especially together, are kind of glossed over in Genesis. Eve is created and the very next verse begins the story of the fall. Now i suppose it's possible that Eve was created and the fall happened the very same day, but I think it's more than likely that a lot of time passed between the two events. Maybe even years. After all, at this point Adam and Eve weren't getting older, they were enjoying an eternal existence in the garden.

I know it's kind of a preconceived notion that Adam and Eve would be become husband and wife, especially considering they were the only people at the time, but i think it misses something important to not think about how this happened. Like i said before, Adam and Eve were people just like us. Maybe i am colored irreversibly by the western concept of romantic love that pervades every aspect of our thoughts and culture, but is it that unusual to think that there may have been some courtship of Eve on Adam's part? Is it that unusual to think that Eve might need some time to get to know Adam before blindly loving him?

Granted it may not have been courtship in the sense that we know it today. Between the fact that these processes have changed drastically over time, and the fact that Eve *didn't really have any other options*, it may have been a bit of a forgone conclusions on some level, but stranger things have happened. How many times have we heard girls tell a guy that they wouldn't date them "even if they were the last man on earth"? If Adam didn't play his cards right, maybe he would have heard this too.

I thought of the end of Josh Ritter's song, where the narrator thinks about launching the missile and destroying the world, just to protect this little happiness he has built with the woman he loves, scared of it withering away without the unusual situation that has bound them together. I wonder if Adam thought this when he ate the apple? I don't know if he had the understanding of exactly what would happen after they ate of the tree, but surely he knew this: Whatever happened, it would happen to him and Eve *together*. For better or for worse, it would bind them tighter, make her his even more. I wonder if this is what he was thinking when he agreed to eat?

How many times have we thought it was a good idea to go down a bad road with the person we love, instead of going down a good road alone?

The Temptation Of Adam

If this was the Cold War we could keep each other warm
I said on the first occasion that I met Marie
We were crawling through the hatch that was the missile silo door
And I don't think that she really thought that much of me

I never had to learn to love her like I learned to love the Bomb
She just came along and started to ignore me
But as we waited for the Big One I started singing her my songs
And I think she started feeling something for me

We passed the time with crosswords that she thought to bring inside
What five letters spell 'apocalypse' she asked me
I won her over saying 'W.W.I.I.I.'
She smiled and we both knew that she'd misjudged me

Oh Marie it was so easy to fall in love with you
It felt almost like a home of sorts or something
And you would keep the warhead missile silo good as new
And I'd watch you with my thumb above the button

Then one night you found me in my army issue cot
And you told me of your flash of inspiration
You said fusion was the broken heart that's lonely only thought
And all night long you drove me wild with your equations

Oh Marie do you remember all the time we used to take
We'd make love and then ransack the rations
I think about you leaving now and the avalanche cascades
And my eyes get washed away in chain reactions

Oh Marie if you would stay then we could stick pins in the map
Of all the places where you thought that love would be found
But I would only need one pin to show where my heart's at
In a top secret location three hundred feet under the ground

We could hold each other close and stay up every night
Looking up into the dark like it's the night sky
And pretend this giant missile is an old oak tree instead
And carve our name in hearts into the warhead

Oh Marie there's something tells me things just won't work out above
That our love would live a half-life on the surface
So at night while you are sleeping I hold you closer just because
As our time grows short I get a little nervous

I think about the Big One, W.W.I.I.I.
Would we ever really care the world had ended
You could hold me here forever like you're holding me tonight
I look at that great big red button and I'm...

*Tempted*

I Think I See Some Sunlight

Sorry for the lack of posting. I've been knee deep in life. Took a new position at work, and when I have been coming home at night (and when i wake up in the morning for that matter)I have found myself much more tired than usual. I like the new job, it will just take me a little while to get used to all the new duties. All in all, a good thing though.

I'm in the middle of *4* books. I've always enjoyed reading, but lately i can even seem to keep it to one book at a time. Hopefully I'm learning a lot.

When i got home last night there were Over The Rhine tickets in my mailbox. Looks like I'll be back in my old college town in the beginning of December. Should be fun.

I have a date on Sunday. My first.... traditional date in a long time. We'll see if i prepared myself sufficiently. It isn't a practice date either, she's pretty quality. We'll see what happens.

About Love...

The taste of your sweet breath
The salt of morning tears
Again I say good-bye to you
Hold on tight
So good to hurt so bad
So sad to ride away renewed
Go on laugh, go on cry
It's alright

There's something wonderful about love
There's something lost about me with you
There's something blind about the chosen few
There's something wonderful about love

Was I meant to be yours?
The will of Christ above
Do you believe true love is blind
'Cause I don't know...
When I get home come spring
Won't you be glad to be mine?
Just don't laugh, please, don't cry
Just say so

There's something wonderful about love
There's something dark about destiny
There's something blue about you with me
There's something wonderful about love

Sorry to call so late
The planet turned 4 times
You're on my mind, but you're nowhere
In my world
Please, kiss the little bird
God bless the cozy cage we share
You kill me, you thrill me
You threaten my dreams, girl

There's something wonderful about love
There's something liberating death alone brings
There's something funny about a lot of sad things
There's something wonderful about love

Updates!

Been a few days since i wrote, so i thought i would play a little catch up.

I decided to take a new position at work today. It's a lateral move with no pay change, but it certainly has a little more prestige, and will look better on my internal resume. If i ever decide to do something a little different for my career within the company, this will be a much better place to try from. I'm looking forward to the challenge and the new duties.

Had another non-date tonight. It went well. Another week or two and i should be ready to start scheduling some real dates. At least dates are always good at keeping my blog interesting.

Started to do some dream interpretation with the arborist last night. It was my first experience with that sort of thing. What i thought was a fairly innocuous dream about someone i know talking to their ex on the phone about me, while they rumaged around under a sink, and i waited patiently for the phone call to end, was apparently chock full of interesting things. I'm not sure i buy it, but it was interesting. I'll be curious to see where else the dream studying goes.

I misplaced my phone all day today. I was amazed at how disconnected i felt to the world without my phone. I use it for so much, calls and texts, keeping up with facebook, checking my e-mail, keeping up to date with sports. Without it, i was just kinda.... there. And it made making post work plans a bit tricky. I figured things out though, just took a little patience.

Second Thoughts

I came home on Saturday night after doing my best (somewhat spontaneously) to get a bit of closure to the Joy situation. I had long ago accepting things, and even was able to turn sincere affection elsewhere, but i still felt that there were some things unsaid.

They've been said.

But when i got home Saturday night i went right to the keyboard and typed.

And typed, and typed, and typed.

3 hours later i had chronicled my entire relationship with Joy, chronologically.

It did a lot of things for me. It made me realize all the time frames involved. Both the unreal quickness that was Joy's "split" from love to hate towards me, and the speed at which we initially became inseparable, fully "in love". Both time frames were insane in their own ways.

It felt good to get it all out. It is by far the longest blog entry I've ever written. A lot of it feels like it's out for good. I'll always have Joy in me in some way, no way to get past that, but I'm in a much better place now.

I'm just not sure i can post that blog. It's so personal. It's so detailed. It's all chronicled by date, with quotes (i.e. text messages from Joy and myself) included with date and time to accentuate the narration.

I'll think about posting it.

In any event i'm glad i was able to write it.

I'll Fight...

I’ll go
I’ll go
I’ll go
I’ll go for you
I’ll fight
I’ll fight
I’ll fight
I’ll fight for you
I’ll kill
I’ll kill
I’ll kill
I’ll kill for you
I will, I will, I will

I’ll go
I’ll go
I’ll go
I’ll go for you
I’ll fight
I’ll fight
I’ll fight
I’ll fight for you
I’ll die
I’ll die
I’ll die
I’ll die for you
I will, I will, I will

And if I die
I’ll die
I’ll die alone
On some forgotten hill
Abandoned by the mill
All my blood will spring and spill
I’ll thrash the air, then be still

You’ll wake with a start from a dream
And know that I am gone
You’ll feel it in your heart but not for very long

You’ll rise each day as planned
Your will as your command
And stand each Sunday
A hymnal steady in your hand

And you’ll sing to yourself the rising, falling melody
That you could never read
Without the choir’s lead
Still alone and lost indeed
And your soul will not be free

I will go
I will go
I will go
Into war's waters, I will wade
And I will know without remorse
Or regret the fairness of our trade

For you to live, I took your place
A deal was made and I was paid
And in gold as I was told
With a place where my body could be laid

You will steer your life and die old in bed at home
Surrounded by your peers
Without suffering or fear
Grandchildren far and near
And none will shed a tear
For their love no longer here

I’ll go
I’ll go
I’ll go
I’ll go for you
I will
I’ll fight
I’ll fight
I’ll fight
I’ll fight for you
I will, I will, I will

I’ll kill
I’ll kill
I’ll kill
I’ll kill for you
I will
I’ll die
I’ll die
I’ll die
I’ll die for you
I will, I will, I will

And if I die
I’ll die, I’ll die alone
Like Jesus on the cross
My faith cannot be tossed
My life will not be lost
If my love comes across

One More Day...

I woke up this morning feeling as unrested as possible. I don't know why, i was in bed before midnight. I can only imagine the turmoil that my unconscious must be once it takes over. I've not really been remembering my dreams (nothing new there), but judging from my condition when i awake, they have been pretty emotionally taxing. I've started a dream journal, but holy cow, what a joke. All i remember are my "morning dreams", you know the ones you have after you wake up, but fall asleep for 15 more mins? Someone i how don't think *those* are the important dreams...

My tummy is upset this morning too. I woke up feeling like this giant mass of sorrow was sitting on me. Right on my stomach. No fun.

Today is going to be a crazy day at work. My section that usually has a staff of around 8 on any given day, will be only 3. The work load is the same, just more for each. Add to it that one of my bosses is off, and the other just a took job elsewhere, and that means I'll be handling the "boss" duties for the day. Saturdays are usually one of the busiest days as well. Swell.

I might just try and take the one boss position myself. It's a lateral move, but i do most of the stuff anyways, and i think it would look good on my internal resume.

Once i get through today though, i have tonight, Sunday, and Monday off. As of late days offs have been the kiss of death for me (Idle hands are indeed the devil's hands when you are dealing with.... stuff), but I'm looking forward to these days off. Sunday i have a barbecue in the south towns with some of my closest friends from high school. It will be nice to go and have some fun, to *live* a little. I've done far too little of that lately.

Monday might be another day along side mirror lake, but the forecast shows rain, so i better have other plans ready to go. No plans are no good. I need to keep as active as possible.

West Coast Lateness....

I just want to see the end of my Dodger game, but I'm soooooooo tired. Darn west coast. It's only the top of the 6th!

I guess i can watch it from bed...

=/

Sleepy...

Help me up...

Unbroken

For the most part my social experiment was a success. I had a good time, i enjoyed good food, and most importantly, i was able to carry on decent conversation.

I even survived this question:

"So how has dating been since we last talked?"

If i can answer that question appropriately, i feel pretty comfy going out and socializing again.

Someone told me last night that i was never broken. I appreciated her encouragement, but she hadn't seen me in the past two weeks. I was as broke as broke gets.

I went to see Funny People last night. Nice job by Judd Apatow. Nice to see he can make a movie that still includes his trademark humor style, without it being *just* a vehicle for the humor. I liked. It was also nice that there were a plethora of Wilco references throughout the movie, including a snippet of Jesus Etc near the end. Well played!

Movie would have been perfect if not for the exceedingly unexpected text message received 1/3 of the way into it...

Weeds in the Wheat

God bless the man who stumbles
God bless the man who falls
God bless the man who yields to temptation
God bless the woman who suffers
God bless the woman who weeps
God bless the children trying her patience

Trouble getting over it is what you're in for
So pour yourself another
'Cause it'll take a steady pair of hands

Holy or unholy ghost
Well now I can't tell
But either way you cut it
You should get some distance if you plan
To take a stand

God bless the house divided
God bless the weed in the wheat
God bless the lamp lit under a bushel

I discovered hell to be the poison in the well
So I tried to warn the others of the curse
But then my body turned on me
I dreamt that for eternity my family would burn
Then I awoke, with a wicked thirst

By my baby's yellow bed I kissed her forehead
And rubbed her little tummy
And wondered if she'll soon despise the smell
Of the booze on my breath, like her mom
Through a darkened mirror I have seen my own reflection
And it makes me want to be a better man

After another drink...

God bless the man at the crossroads
God bless the woman who still can't sleep
God bless the history that doesn't repeat

Social Experiment

I set myself up a little social experiment tonight. As I've been traveling through this overly dark period of my life the past few weeks, I've tightened my social circle considerably. Pretty much co-workers (out of necessity), family, my arborist, and Jim are the only people I've seen.

I generally view this as a wise move. Look at this blog, what kind of conversationalist would i have been? Probably not my usual positive, encouraging, laid back self.

So I'm going out tonight. Not a date, it's someone who knows i don't have those kind of intentions with her, just a dinner to catch up with someone.

I have no idea if i can do this. My heart has been so heavy, I'm not sure i know how to have normal conversation. I certainly don't want to talk about the shite I'm constantly talking about here, but i dunno. I don't know where i am at, what i am capable of.

So we will see. Wish me luck!

Struggle

It's my own fault.

I know that when i post on here, I'm usually only motivated to do so when something is heavy on my heart and I'm trying to work through the feelings and questions that i have. In other venues, i sometimes also only express something when I'm struggling. Since happiness and joy tend to be my usual default feelings, it doesn't occur to me to share these things.

So i thought i would clear a few things up.

The disclaimer on the top of my blog may be the most important thing to read if you are here. "Do not decide these cries of mine, they are the road and not the sign". I hope anyone who comes across this blog doesn't take the words too deeply to heart. Most of the things i express on here are not things I'm sure of, or feeling i have with any sense of certainly, they are a snapshot of my mind and heart at a particular moment. Sometimes in moments of elation where life feels perfect and I'm blinded to the reality of life, and sometimes when i feel at my lowest and my heart is trying to understand why, what, how, when....

In any event, don't read too much into it. It's raw process, very rarely decisions or solid ground. It's me at my most confused trying to make sense of the noise in my heart and mind.

Sometimes there is a lot of noise in there. It's no wonder I've taken to spending large swaths of time by myself in quiet peaceful places. I need the quiet to balance out what is inside of me.

There are two things that happened that caused me to write this.

One, i caused pain to someone through my words on here. It was unintentional, but in the end it doesn't matter. My raw words were read, interpreted in a way i didn't mean them, and caused pain to someone i care about very much, of the few people I've told i love them.

It still hurts me to know i did this. I hope somewhere she knows how sorry i am.

The second reason I'm writing this, is because i think i have underestimated how much of my inner sadness I've been letting out to the outside world. I think i thought i was keeping it in check a bit, but a look over my blog shows that this isn't so. It isn't that i want to hold back here. This is one of my true forms of expression and release that i use to get out what is inside (getting out what is inside of me, is not really my strongest attribute...). That being said, i don't want to come across that I'm sad all the time.

This has been the toughest few months of my life. For whatever reason i have met people i truly felt a bond with, and i have pursued them without my usual hesitation or careful planning and consideration of all options. I have given myself like i previously held back, and yet found myself alone in the end. It's been a struggle. Some of my darkest moments have been in the past few months, especially the past few weeks.

But i am more than my struggle. I promise.

I am still filled with wonder and delight, it's just a little muted. I still enjoy all that life has to offer, i just sometimes have to stop in the middle and let out a big sigh. I still dream the wildest and most intense of dreams, it's just that some of them make me hurt a little when i realize they may not end up looking quite how i dreamed them.

I came to this conclusion when i got a big hug from my mother yesterday, who then started crying and told me that she doesn't want to me to be sad anymore. I tried to tell her that i wasn't that sad and i was fine but she was having none of it. She kept crying and she said she knew i was sad.

She then said she wanted to step on Joy's toes. That's about as violent as my mother gets so it's clear she was emotional about the issue. I couldn't help but smile at her choice of words. Who chooses stepping on someone's toes as their physical method of expressing their unhappiness with someone's actions? Apparently, my mother.

I don't want my mother to hurt Joy, or any other woman with whom my interactions with may have eventually lead to hurt on my end. I don't want them to hurt at all. If every woman who decides I'm not the man for them, finds the next guy to *be* the man for them, there is nothing i would want more. Hopefully he is someone that will cherish them, care for them, think of them, and excite them even more than i ever did in my time with them, and hopefully they can return the feelings that for whatever reason they were unable to keep returning to me.

My desire to have a partner and companion, and my desire to *be with* a specific person, is something separate from my care and concern for them. When i date someone, i want them to feel cared for, to know that my place in their life is not about what i get (even though its usually considerable), but about their feelings and happiness. This doesn't change if they decide to remove me from the equation.

I know the normal thing to do is be bitter. To want them to see that without you they wont truly be happy. That the other people they replace you with wont care as much, wont be as supportive, and wont love them like you did.

I'm just not wired that way, not anymore. Sure in my younger years, i felt these things a few times. Even then, they didn't feel right. Thankfully, as I've gotten older, I've changed enough to the point that i don't even have the urge to think these things.

Ah, I've rambled!

In closing:

I'm not that sad, I promise.

I'm really, really sorry if i hurt you.

I only want the best for you, even if that isn't me.

Coelho

Ive been reading a lot of Paulo Coelho books lately. They somehow resonate with me, even if some of the more nebulous spiritual aspects aren't really my thing. The point is, the stories speak to me, and some of the over arcing themes and lessons i find helpful.

The details of the stories however...

The first one was a about a green eyed girl finding love where she didn't expect it, with a man she didn't think she could have that kind of relationship with, even though she thinks she only has a short time to live.

The one i just finished was about falling in love with someone who has a very charismatic faith, with an outpouring of intense spiritual gifts. The difficulty of loving someone in a human way, when God demands so much of them through their gifts.

The latter even ends with a passage from Psalm 137:

"If I forget you, O Jerusalem,
may my right hand forget its skill .
may my tongue cling to the roof of my mouth
if I do not remember you,
if I do not consider Jerusalem
my highest joy."

Seriously.

And none of these things were known when i started reading them.

Makes me wonder what the next one i pick up is going to be about...

Muses

My arborist brought up concept with me of women as my muses. In the context of what we were speaking of, it was a specific woman he was referring to, but maybe it goes for all of them?

What inspires me in life more than women? What else acts as the grand catalyst for me to access the best parts of me, the things i want to be the most? Sure, my faith can be a catalyst in that matter, but not with the same drive.

Not with the same passion.

The concept of a man projecting his Anima onto a woman is something that has been in mind over the past weeks for a variety of reasons. When i meet a woman who inspires me to be romantic, i rarely approach this situation with careful consideration and reserve. My heart throws me with all my energy into manifesting what i feel on the inside into something tangible that i can share with this person who has inspired these feelings in me. Obviously, my methods of manifestation are not the norm (Both in what i usually choose not to do, as well as the things i *do* choose to do), but they still manifest pretty intensely.

So I'm thinking a lot about intensity.

At some point I'm going to attempt another relationship. I know me, and that means it will most likely be sooner rather than later. I feel a desire to have a partner, and i don't see that going away anytime soon. I know that i am not worthless without a partner. But i do know that I'm at my best when i am helping and supporting others, and i crave that closeness of that kind of connection.

Granted, when you tell two people you love them, after not saying those words to anyone in 7 years, and they both reject you outright (after speaking those words back to you no less...), it does sting a little bit. It makes you weary of opening up that way to someone again. The drive for the connection is deep, but the memories of those feelings when you are discarded are fresh. And probably deeper...

I'm not sure what i would be looking for now. Apparently a woman that I'm super attracted to, that is interesting, inspiring, caring, and giving, one who tells me they love me.... These are all my new red flags. These are all the things that i started from to get to the place i have come to.

What is the alternative? People that are mildly interesting, who show some interest, but not a tremendous amount, who seem at times to care for me, but don't seem as if they would be too upset if i never called again? Is this anyway to seek your partner?

Should i not be inspired by the woman in my arms?

I know i have a lot to learn. The simple fact that this post is heavy on questions, and light on answers is a pretty clear indication of that.

It's funny that while i am patient in life situations, I'm frequently impatient with life itself. Time after time things can happen today that will require me to wait around for others, and do things on other people's schedules, and my laid back personality will smile, and continue to be happy and satisfied. But when life starts to drag. When dreams feel stalled. When plans seem to take forever to get to the next step, the time in my soul is interminable!

Like anything else, i need to think of these one day at a time. Sure, i need to make sure I'm taking the kind of steps that will benefit my long term healing and growth as well, but i cant heal everything and grow as much as i need to today. All i can do today is make the decisions that will lead me one step closer to healing. One step further growing in the right direction. One step closer to understanding this person i am on the inside.

I Think...

Going to bed and waking up are the worst times of day right now. My phone just sits there...

=/