Last Night at The Arborist

Holy *cow* was that what i needed. I'm thankful that i just hung on until my appointment last night. I needed to get all that out, and that was the perfect forum for it. I felt safe. I felt able to be me, and say what i really felt.

The weird thing was, even in that setting, it was hard to be honest with how i felt. When my arborist asked me how i was doing with other people around i said i was good. It wasn't until we were behind closed doors that i was able to say "I feel awful, just horrible". Even then it was a struggle to get those words across my lips. I told him how hard it was for me to even say that. I feel like i always have to be positive, not just for myself but for others. Maybe I'll be talking to someone who needs some hope, who needs to see a smile, who needs a small sign that everything will be ok? How selfish would i be to be honest and express how much i was really hurting?

Thankfully when the doors closed, i *was* able to say how much i was hurting. I don't know what this day would have brought me if i didn't get that stuff out. There was so much of it, i think i rambled for a good 30 mins before i let him talk.

When he did talk, he said something interesting to me. He said he didn't know what my shadow was. He said most times by the end of the first meeting with someone, he knows at least a bit what their shadow is, what the dark part is that they have that balances out the light part. He said with me, even though this was our 4th meeting, he still had no idea what my shadow was. He expressed that he didn't feel i was being deceptive, or even holding anything back, just that he hadn't been able to see it yet.

So of course, now I'm trying to figure out my shadow. The fact that it hasn't shown itself yet makes me worry that maybe mine is darker and deeper than most. Any ideas?

I feel a little better going into today. Like a have a slightly better grasp on my own heart. There are still a few things that if i think of them it derails me totally for a bit, but those moments are becoming further apart. I had a chat with a friend this morning who gave me a good idea about a project i can do that will keep my focus on others. It's win/win, since i get to do something for other people, and hopefully make them smile, while at the same time getting my thoughts off me, which is doing me little good.

Hopefully, i can also start making better decisions. This week (especially Tuesday) has not been a week to be proud my decisions. I started making those decisions that are so bad that while you are dong them your head is going "Why am i doing this? Why am i doing this?!". That's never a good place to be in.

The Road of Self Improvement

I'm not usually that good at self improvement. Self improvement involves focusing on yourself instead of others, which is not really my natural inclination. It feels so self absorbed to be focusing on me, but it needs to be done.

Thankfully I'm seeing the arborist tonight. After my last week or so, especially the last two days, i could use some serious guidance.

Or course getting my head in the right place is only a start. I enjoy that part of self improvement, so while it may not be easy to do, it's easy for me to work at it since i like the process. I need to also work on more practical things.

I spent lunch yesterday working out, although the downside of that is when 6:30 hit me, all the energy i had used working out was needed to continue to shift. Those last 90 mins were difficult to say the least (my mental state didn't help either). Still, 35 mins on the bike helped make me feel better. I've lost 35 lbs over the last year almost solely on eating choices. I feel like if I'm gonna lose anymore (and i have about 10 more pounds to go) then it should be through the inclusion of exercise. I need to fins myself a pattern or rhythm if it's going to work.

I also need to simplify my possessions. I have too much stuff. I'm awful at throwing things out. I need to start prioritizing what things i really need, and what i can part with. Too much clutter. I want my place to look nice.

Sigh, especially if I'm going to be entertaining again.

I also should probably be a little more pro-active when it comes to my health. With the exception of Easter a few years ago where i went to the ER in the wee hours of the morning thinking i had strep throat, only to find out i had an infection in my voice box and got admitted, i haven't seen a doctor in ages. Probably a good idea for some sort of check up.

I hate doctors. This one will be a struggle.

Hopefully the arborist tonight will help me to be able to see my actions more clearly. I'm obviously doing something wrong as i keep repeating the same story in my relationships. Is it the people i am choosing? Is it the way i am in relationships? Do i need to follow that dreadful advice I'm always being given? To stop being so nice and attentive? Do women, as much as they say they want that, really want a guy who is a little bit of a jerk, a little hard to get a handle on, hard to control, slightly abusive?

Ugh. I couldn't be that if i tried.

Which means we need a different way to change or move ahead. I cant go down that road, and this road is killing me.

Everyone tells me the same thing. You need to be happy being single and alone. I understand those words, but.... I just don't see it. I mean, I'm a natural introvert, and i love my time to myself, but life starts to feel empty when you don't have someone to share the special moments with. I have always had a craving to be a husband, to have someone that you put your needs aside to the back burner to make sure they are happy and fulfilled, knowing that they are doing the same for your needs and desires. Am i just a romantic idealist?

I don't think so.

All i can do is prepare myself to be ready in case the right situation comes around. Hence the self improvement.

Next we are going to shoot for a positive attitude. This one is usually not an issue with me, but with the last few days, weeks, months... Well, every man has his limits. I'm working on it.

It's Never Quite What It Seems...

and your face
I do know well
every breath breathes
farewell
it’s so still
no soul could tell
but one day
like this
the angels fell

and it’s never quite what it seems

and it bleeds
this setting sun
and my arms ache
from holding on
let it go
this dying light
makes it hard to tell
wrong from right

and it’s never quite what it seems

all the shadows of our doubts
and the light that burns too bright
soon burns out

and your face
you do know well
that the race is lost
hold still
‘cause the first
shall be the last
those that burn with thirst
will lift their glass

and it’s never quite what it seems

Thankful For Clarity, Even Painful Clarity

As i had mentioned in my earlier post about the promised land, I was putting myself in the bad spot of latching onto hopeful things in my life and ignoring the things that were there that was telling me things were not meant to be.

Last night someone gave me the best gift we can frequently give. Brutal honesty. I cannot say how much i appreciate this.

Not that it didn't hurt like the dickens to be reading those words. It did. That isn't the point. Life is full of hurt. This is good hurt because it leaves me in a place where there is no ambiguity, no chance to keep reading things wrong, no chance to give myself further hope.

My hopelessness is my freedom, oddly enough.

Today does not feel good. My heart is so heavy it's hard to walk, but i will walk. Sometimes my tears are so strong it's hard to see, but I'll keep looking anyways. My hopelessness so big that my faith is shaken, but i will try and believe still.

I need to take ownership of my own actions, my own missteps. My romantic heart believes that love conquers all, and yet continues to try and conquer the one thing love *cannot* conquer, someone who rejects your love, or doesn't want you. I looked at all the other things that love *could* conquer, distance, illness, the past.... without seeing that my love wasn't wanted.

And while i can put my best foot forward. While i can be true to the man i am. I cannot, and will never be able to, *make* someone want the man i am (just as they cannot make themselves want me). This can be the hardest truth for a romantic heart to accept and live according to. It doesn't help that people frequently think telling someone they don't want them is too hurtful of a thing to say to another. Instead they try and sugar coat it a bit, the old "It's not you, it's me" road. The problem is that this just tells a romantic heart he has to work harder.

It feels awful to not be wanted.

But I'm glad i know that I'm not wanted. I know how to move from this spot, as hard as it is.

I'll start with today.

Wish me luck...

Mirror Lake

As bad as i was prepping yesterday to be, it turned out alright. I went out in search of peace in my heart and found just that. The thing is, its easy to find. You don't even need to find it. You see, the secret isn't finding peace, it's letting go of the things that you are letting stand between you and your peace. You always have your peace, it never goes anywhere.

This has long been one of my most deeply held truths, so it's ironic that i forgot it. It was like a mathematician forgetting his multiplication tables.

I had a nice long lounge next to mirror lake yesterday. Nothing but me and the lake, and a few books, for 5 hours. I'm tempted to go back today. We'll see. Sometimes we just need to find someplace where we can free ourselves from the noise that distracts us each day all day so we can remember.

So we can hear our heart.

My heart still craves that one special heart to act as it's counterpoint. The Veronika to my Eduard. That being said, i need to learn a bit from Eduard's patience. It took Veronika a while to figure out what she really wanted, even if she probably decided it was too late when she did.

It wasn't.

It's never too late.

Even one day with the person you really love, without fear of what that really means, with both people committed to that feeling in their heart, is enough. And who knows, if you embrace that day, you may get another.

And another...

"Beside the small square there is a small hill. On top of the small hill there is a small castle. Veronika and Eduard trudged up the steep path, cursing and laughing, slipping on the ice, and complaining of exhaustion."

Veronika Decides to Die

"[He] had already been on that road several times, but he had always decided to go back because he had still not received the signal to go forward. Now things were different: The signal had finally come in the form of a young woman with green eyes, brown hair, and the startled look of someone who thinks she knows what she wants."

The Old Horizon

Moon above the raging sea
Lightning to firefly
I built my life out of what was left of me
And a map of an old horizon
Arrow find my chestnut heart
Shadow for conjuring
Big black eyes to hide my secrets in
And the map of the old horizon
With this flag I surrender the crescent moon
With this death’s head I hold the tear
And two black eyes to hide my secrets in
And the map of the old horizon

Oddly enough...

I miss Moo and Evy. Especially Moo.

I woke up this morning feeling like i was not where i was supposed to be. It was not an enjoyable feeling.

I wonder if i will make it to anyplace today that alleviates this feeling? I certainly don't think I'll see Evy and Moo today so that's not going to change, and I'm certainly not going to end up the place i was planning on being today...

Looks like I'm going to have accept where i am and make the best of it. Why are we so emotionally chained to our expectations?

"Well, loving is as loving does, and I'd say we should know, because we both have loved, have lost, and are alone. Your face's falling tears, to me they're lovely and they're dear, though you don't love me and it's clear that I will never see you in my arms. There's no room in your heart for even this finely-sharpened dart; although I had started to think there might be hope, it isn't so."

These Hands...

There is nothing worse than looking at your hands and realizing they have hurt someone you love. Whether it is intentional or not, it really doesn't matter.

All you can do is hope they can forgive you. And hope they look at you that same way again...

Locomotion

My love is a speeding train
I'm faster and stronger than all the rest
My coals burn hotter than yours
My smoke billows further into the heavens
My whistle is heard in every inch of the countryside
And just when i start to bask in my own glory
I look below me...

I'm off the rails!

Depeche Mode in Toronto

Got to see Depeche Mode's tour of the universe tonight on it's first stop in North America. I had resigned myself to going alone to this show, but my sister decided to come with me, all six months pregnant and all =)

We had a great time. Thanks Depeche Mode for the lesbian/foot sucking video during Strangelove. That was real comfortable with my sister...

Of course, I'm pretty sure she was singing along to "Master and Servant", so...

Precious, Home, I Feel You, and Waiting for the Night were the highlights for me. It's No Good was fun as well. It made me think of the time that Kelli and i were broken up in college and she played that song for me on her radio show. Timeless!

It was also by far the best live version of "I Feel You" I've ever seen. I thought it would be excessive if this tour yielded yet *another* live DVD, but now i want one just to have this tours version of that song.

Oh, and an interesting note, i think this is the first they have ever played "Fragile Tension" live. If there are any uber depeche mode fan out there reading this that can refute that claim, feel free.

Setlist:

In Chains
Wrong
Hole To Feed
Walking In My Shoes
It's No Good
A Question Of Time
Precious
Fly On The Windscreen
Little Soul
Home
Come Back
Fragile Tension
In Your Room
I Feel You
Policy Of Truth
Enjoy The Silence
Never Let Me Down Again

Encore #1
Stripped
Master And Servant
Strangelove

Encore #2
Personal Jesus
Waiting For The Night (Bare Version)

Wilco (The Review)

My first Wilco show was all i hoped it would be. Sure, there was a few songs i wanted to hear that didn't make an appearance (Poor Places, Side With The Seeds, You Are my Face, Ashes of American Flags, Via Chicago...), but the setlist as it stands, really doesn't have many holes. That first Encore is an amazing one-two punch. Hoodoo Voodoo was a lot of fun. A Shot in the Arm was as good live as I'd hoped. The new songs sounded great, especially One Wing and Bull Black Nova.

Dad liked the show a lot. He kept saying they were not what he expected, and he was impressed by how good the melodies were in the song. He also enjoyed being close enough to see the hands of guitar players. I enjoyed that as well. 3rd row was a nice spot for our first Wilco show.

Setlist:

Wilco (The Song)
ELT
I Am Trying to Break Your Heart
A Shot in The Arm
At Least That's What You Said
Bull Black Nova
Radio Cure
One Wing
Handshake Drugs
Deeper Down
Impossible Germany
Jesus Etc
Sonny Feeling
Can't Stand It
Hate it Here
Walken
I'm The Man Who Loves You
Hummingbird

Encore 1:
Misunderstood
Spiders (Kidsmoke)

Encore 2:
The Late Greats
Heavy Metal Drummer
California Stars
Hoodoo Voodoo
I'm a Wheel

Don't Look at Me, It's All Tweedy. I Only Arranged...

You’re the deepest well I’ve ever fallen into
Embracing the situation
Is our only chance to be free
Our love is all of God's money
Everyone is a burning sun
My mind is filled with silvery stuff
Honey kisses clouds of fluff
And I really want to see you tonight
I want to hold you in the Bible-black predawn
I want to glide through those green eyes dreaming
Hide your soft skin, your sorrow is sunshine
And the sun gets passed from tree to tree
Silently, and back to me
Your spine starts to shine
And you shiver at your soul
I listen for
Your lips to break apart
Into words
You’ve got the white clouds hanging so high above you
And you’ll sing to yourself the rising, falling melody
When the cold light shakes you like a chandelier
The snowflakes break through the atmosphere
Please don’t cry we’re designed to die
Don’t deny what’s inside
The more I think about it
The more I’m sure it’s you
I will understand everything has its plan
'Cause what would love be without wishful thinking
Open your arms as far as they will go
I have no idea how this happens
But you and I will be undefeated
The future has a valley and a shortcut around
One day we’ll disappear together in a dream
However short or long our lives are going to be
I will live in you or you will live in me
Until we disappear together in a dream
Fold ourselves into each other’s blood
Everlasting love forever more

Tonight

Tonight is the Wilco show at Art Park. I'm really really excited for this show. I've always wanted to see Wilco live, but my craving for this has been ratcheted up a few notches over the past few months, especially after seeing the excellent concert film "Ashes of American Flags".

I also can't wait to see Nils Cline play guitar is person. How good must that be? I should get a pretty good view of it from my seat as well.

I'm still trying to get my dad to come see the show with me. I think he would like it. It would be fun to share something like this with him, and it would be a good primer to the U2 show we are supposed to see together in September. Of course, if my dad comes along that means I'm banishing my new friend to (possibly rainy) lawn area. I know she's ok with it, and just happy to be seeing the show, but I'll still feel a *little* bad.

I'll report back afterwards!

Magnolia Electric Co.

It's been way too long since I've seen Jason Molina play music, so last night's music was well needed and appreciated. To make it even better, it was a free show, and they had copies of the new album "Josephine" for sale. Jason, ill advised mustache aside, was excellent as always. Much more playful with the audience than I've ever seen. The band was in top form. Even the opening band told us this was their best performance so far of the dates they have played together.

I'm listening to Josephine right now. It's classic Molina, especially lyrically, but the album seems for focused. I'm really enjoying it.


I made a new friend at the show last night which was fun. Always good to know more local people that enjoy quality music. Now i have someone to see Wilco with on Sunday too! Bonus! =)

Aside from that, I slept well once i got home and am trying to look forward to another day of work. After all these holiday shortened weeks at the beginning of the month, working a regular week seems extra long.

The Weight of Glory

"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

Here i Sit

You broke my heart
but my heart it heals
You awakened my anger
but still i love
You destroyed my peace
but i here i sit serene
You took what i had saved
I will save it again
You made me doubt myself
but I am surer and stronger now
You made me want nothing else
and now i want so much more

Renewal...

A Wish For Wings That Work

Father...
I wish you would talk to me
Like you talk to her
I wish i understood your plan
I trust
Even though i don't see
or hear
I know i do not need
Bushes that burn
Skies that churn
Glossolalia
But you know me Dad
I like to *understand*

Monday Morning.... I Look at My Heart and See What I'm Not.

I spent my day in Rochester yesterday. I'm still unsure of what i think of Rochester as a city. Most of me feels very lukewarm about it, thinking of it as a smaller, inferior Buffalo. I know every time I've been in the city late, i marveled at how little there was to do. Of course, it's possible i didn't know where to look.

My first stop in the city was a funeral for the mother of one of my oldest friends. t was an especially weird feeling when one of your friends from childhood loses a parent. As you get older you and friends all start to go through phases. You all go to college. Then some of your friends start getting married. Then all of your friends start having children. All of those phases were interesting to see, even though i have seemed to side step most of them. I don't think I'm ready for the phase when my friend's parents start passing away. Nope, not ready as at all.

I'm glad i went though. The family seemed genuinely happy to see me. I wish i was able to offer them some solace and peace, but that's something that only time will truly be able to assist with.

Since i was now free to explore Rochester, i did what any same man would do. I went to Dinosaur Barbecue and stuffed myself full of pulled pork. That was a wise choice. The cornbread was better than i remembered.

Then i took up residency in a local Starbucks. Shocking, i know. This particular Starbucks is on Monroe Ave in Rochester, and it's in a house. The downstairs of the house has been converted into a Starbucks. It's comfy. I sat there are read for almost 3 hours. The reading was good. I learned all about not projecting my Anima onto others. Especially women. The arborist and i shall discuss this tonight...

The finale of the night was a rare Seven Head Division show. Always excellent. My ears are still bleeding, in the happiest way possible.

And here we are on Monday morning. I have more reading to do. I think I'm gonna go to the cemetery and read. My head knows that going there is unwise for my heart, but i think in the long run it will be a good thing. I need to make it my own, it's too beautiful to let it become an untouchable symbol of something i lost, and therefore become something else lost to me. Wish me luck.

The Problem With Pain

My heart hurts knowing someone i adore is in pain. Right now. As i type this. I think the most helpless feeling i ever have is when i am unable to soothe the pain of someone i love.

I know in my head that we can deal with pain. I know that persevering over pain can make us stronger.

But my heart doesn't understand. My heart just wants her to feel better.

I hope my prayers are heard...

The Great Depression

Today i was overcome with sorrow. All day. I don't think it was even my sorrow, though every now and then my subconscious tossed a little personalization my way. As my day went on, my sorrow grew and grew. By the time i left work, one of my co-workers asked me why i was so sad. I don't know if i looked super sad, or if they are just so used to my uber-positive, always laid back personality, than anything below that seemed odd.

The drive home from work was a little scary. I've never had a panic attack, but i can only imagine this is a bit what it is like. My thoughts were racing faster than i could catch them. My heart was doing the same. My skin felt like it was vibrating, like my body was generating too much energy to be contained. Somehow though, i could tell that the cause was sorrow and not just anxiety.

What was i sad about? As hokey as this sounds, i felt the sorrow of everything around me all on top of me. Sure, some of it was my own now and then. Amidst my general overwhelming sorrow unrelated to me, my mind would remind me of a few sad things of my own (or happy things i can no longer have...), but really it was more about everyone else but me. It was almost as if i was able to feel all the little sadnesses of all those around me.

I ended up at my parents house for a movie. Not because i missed my parents (though i did), and not because i was in the mood for a movie (I wasn't especially), it was just because i didn't want to be alone. Weird that sadness not even related to myself felt too big for me to be alone with, but it just felt overwhelming. Normally i love coming home to my empty place and spending some time with just myself, but today it just felt like too much to handle.

The sadness is still with me, but it's a faint glow of it's early potency. It feels manageable now, and that's why i have the freedom to write about it.

Those of you who know me well know that I'm rarely ever sad. For whatever reason i have been blessed with the ability to ignore all the small negative things in life, and to extract immense joy, almost without effort, from all of the smallest positive things in life. It's something i frequently try to share with others, which is easier said than done.

So tonight i get to think about my sadness, now that it's manageable. I'm sure it grabbed and overtook me for a reason. I just need to figure out what that is.

Maybe i haven't dealt with my own sorrows properly? Goodness knows when you are this positive and happy *all the time*, you sometimes wonder if you are doing an excellent job dealing with your sorrow, or a disastrous one. Do i process my sorrow quickly and efficiently, or do i not process it at all? A sorrow ticking bomb in my soul would not be a good thing...

I don't think that's it, but I'll talk to my arborist about it on Monday, just in case.

I also spent most of my night last night watching my closest friends dealing with decisions they have made that cause them no end of sorrows. Worse yet, i was watching them make decisions that will *continue* to cause them sorrow. I wish them the best. I'll help them where i can. Friends making bad decisions is tricky. Once you tell them what the better decision is, you've done all you can. You can't *make* them make the right decision.

I guess God feels that all the time?

Before any of you start worrying, I'm not depressed. I promise. I know enough about depression to know the warning signs, and I'm good. Everyone has to be sad now and then though, right?

Tomorrow I'm going to a funeral out of town, so I'll have a chance to explore sorrow a little bit more, and realize that there are those with sorrow much deeper than mine is. I cant imagine what the people who will be going to be at this funeral will be feeling. Hopefully i can be of some comfort to those people. What better to do with any of our days but to comfort those who are sad, in pain, mourning...

As for tonight, the smile is already back on my face (It doesn't take long...), and I'm going to move back into my learning mode for the night. 2 books at once, and each one feels equally important to me at this juncture of my life. Wish me luck.

I'm growing...

Undercover

Today i shall venture forth out into the world. Disguised. I'll attempt to move through the world of the clean shaven as if i am one of their own. Surely the observant will see through my ruse. They will know that this smooth exterior is a false visage, skin masquerading as something presentable, but deep down merely a canvas for something greater.

Something to come later.

Something even now working to be created. Shaped. Guided.

For now i well be one of them, but do not be fooled by this false visage. What is to come is the true me.

Will the world be ready when i return?

13 Angels Standing Guard Round the Side of Your Bed

Can you see me diving into you?
Will you open like i need you to?
Do you feel what i feel too?
Will your life intertwine with mine?

Close your eyes and see me now
Think of me, and speak your mind
Close your eyes and see me, know
Think of me, and speak "You're mine"

06/21/09

Nothing
No One
Vacant
Empty
I move from place to place
My memories are all packed away
My feelings poisoned sins
Disbelief
And disappointment
Steeping in the cup
Trying
Willing
Hoping
Praying
Not believing it will matter
Not believing that he cares
Not believing that she cares
Knowing I'm ungrateful
Knowing I'm a lie
Laughing at my helplessness
It's either that or die
Down a hole, up a rope
Down some pills, up some hope
Turned off a light
Turned on a light
Plugged in a alias
Passed a little juice
Watched her swallow sadly
Covered her with care
Slipped right there behind
Nothing i can do
Got to work, it's all i have
These hands are all I'm worth
Worked until my bones are sore
And eyes are heavy loads
Teasing me with covered pressure
My grasp for what i miss
But knowing blue as blue can be
Is destined for my list
Leaving's where i fail each time
Anger
Sadness
Fear
Leaving's when i die each night
Removing from the here
All i am i was then
All i am is left behind
These hands are all I'm left with
With no work left to do
I know these words are faulty
Vomit spewed from pain
I know i cannot touch these thoughts
I know it's all in vain
I know that you just want to help me
Help me heal my pain
I feel so broken for your eyes
Not worthy of your gaze
I need to wash this off somehow
I need to just forget
A better man improves from this
A better man regrets
But me i want the inky blackness
Of troubles washed away
Please don't judge the words right here
I hope for better things
My heart it lies and throws me down
It bullies me and wins
Your green and piercing thoughts for me
Have pulled me through so far
It's strange to think where help comes from
I see it in your eyes

Love and C.S. Lewis

I'm reading through Mere Christianity for the very first time. It's slow going, but only because i don't want to miss anything. My Lewis delving, mixed with a friend's penchant for posting quotations lately, has led me to post these:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

"Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling... Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go... But, of course, ceasing to be "in love" need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from "being in love" — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriage) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God... "Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."

And maybe closest to my heart this morning...

"Need-love cries to God from our poverty; Gift-love longs to serve, or even to suffer for, God; Appreciative love says: "We give thanks to thee for thy great glory." Need-love says of a woman "I cannot live without her"; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection — if possible, wealth; Appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so than never to have seen her at all."

Late Night Thoughts

I've always been one to be up late. It's in my genetics for one. My folks and family have always been known for our late hours. For me it feels natural, but it also stems from never wanting a day to end. I always feel like there is more to do, though i never seem to know what it is that needs to be done. For some reason it feels like whatever is left to do cant wait for tomorrow, but as the night (or morning) gets later and later, i become too tired to do much of anything.

Except think.

And maybe that's why I'm up, maybe that is what i need to do.

Think.

There is a line from a song that was on my mind tonight as it got later.

"When it's over, it's all over, all that matters is the love you gave away".

The older i get, all that seems to matter is love. Not falling in love, or being in love (though both are welcome), but truly loving other people. Everyone. My family. My friends. My co-workers. The people who my eyes may lay on only once, and who's names I'll never know. All of them.

I'm getting better, but i have so much further to go!

It can be hard to love others, and still be true to yourself. We are all a complex mix of needs, desires, emotions... all seeking different things. All trying to meet needs, and some of those perceived needs can certainly get in the way of loving others.

Or loving ourselves.

Tonight my prayer is that i learn to love better, at least a little bit, everyday.

To love my family a little better.
To love my friends a little better.
To love the people who have hurt me, or have broken my heart.
To love those who are easy to love, even more.
To love those that are hardest to love, the ones the world tells you you have no reason to love.
To love myself, and be proud of the man i am, without forgetting all my failures, and all i have left to improve.

If i can do that then this life, which feels so unmanageable and overwhelming so often, will be just fine.

It will thrive.

I will thrive.

And those i interact with will thrive.

In the end, what more can we ask for out of life?

The River

I will fight the spirit
With a sword in my side
And she found a way out
Crack my rib, wait to die

I think I know you best when I sleep
I think I know everything

Me and my brothers
We have tongues, sharp as knives
And I found a way out
Make a noise, close your eyes

I think I talk to you best when I sing
I sing about almost everything

Oh God, I need it
So let me see again
Take me to the river
And let me see again

Oh, my God
Let me see again
Oh, my God
Let me see again

Let me see again

Grace taught her daughter
Daily on...
God, how I feel it
Fed her pride to your feet

I'm gonna leave you, the first chance I get

And, oh God, I need it
For I was wrong again
Take me to the river
And make me clean again

Oh, my God
Make me clean again
And oh, my God
Let me see again

Faith > Music > Most Everything Else

A friend inspired me to revisit my old faith mix, and the new one came out as a two disc set. The Prayer Chain's "Shiver" didn't make the cut, and neither did The Violet Burning's "Underwater". I can only assume this means I'm less focused on sin and wandering away from God these days. Who knows?

I hope she enjoys them, they got a lot of spins on my recent road trip...

Volume 1:

1. Sufjan Stevens - To Be Alone With You
2. Cracker - One Fine Day
3. Nine Inch Nails - Discipline
4. Wilco - Blood Of The Lamb
5. Cush - I Would Die 4 U
6. Michael Knott - Never Forsaken
7. Pedro The Lion - Diamond Ring
8. U2 - Until The End of The World
9. Mike Doughty - His Truth Is Marching On
10. Jeff Tweedy - Airline to Heaven
11. Sufjan Stevens - John Wayne Gacy, Jr.
12. LN - California
13. Over The Rhine - Changes Come
14. The Choir - Wilderness
15. Richard Swift - Beautifulheart
16. Pedro The Lion - Fairest Lord Jesus
17. Antony - If It Be Your Will
18. The Choir - Beautiful Scandalous Night
19. Luxury - I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

Volume 2:

1. The Lost Dogs - Breathe Deep
2. Wilco - Airline To Heaven
3. Mike Doughty - Thank You Lord, For Sending Me The F Train
4. Michael Roe - Hold Dearly To Me
5. Luxury - Robed in Light
6. Richard Swift - Not Wasting Time
7. Sufjan Stevens - Casimir Pulaski Day
8. Pedro The Lion - Be Thou My Vision
9. The Violet Burning - Lord, Rescue Me
10. The Choir - The Ocean
11. Luxury - To You Who Gave Me Hope and Were My Light
12. Anathallo - It Is Well With My Soul
13. Kat Jones - Hymn
14. Michael Knott - Grace
15. Pedro The Lion - Secret of The Easy Yoke
16. LN - What Would You Give In Exchange For Your Soul?
17. All Things Bright And Beautiful - A Happiness
18. Sufjan Stevens - Vito's Ordination Song