~ Fin

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die.
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go:

You gave me more to live for,
More than you'll ever know.

Well, this is our last embrace,
Must I dream and always see your face?
Why can't we overcome this wall?
Baby, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all.

Kiss me, please kiss me,
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation.
Oh, you know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry,

This is our last goodbye.

Did you say, "No, this can't happen to me"?
And did you rush to the phone to call?
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying,
Maybe, you didn't know him at all,
You didn't know him at all,
oh, you didn't know

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime,
Burning clues into this heart of mine.
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes, and the memories
Offer signs that it's over

It's over.

To You Who Gave Me Hope and Were My Light

I would that i were made new
The scars on my belly undo
The blood that i have in my veins
Could be mine and stranger unnamed

Cause I once was perfect as you
Pink skinned and full flaming youth
As the wind on the terrible sea
As the pillar of Ivory

Six angels at my back
Two to sleep
Two to pray
Two to bear my soul away

I would that i were made new
I would that i were made new
The scars on my belly undo
I would that i were made new

The Crossroads

Something needs to change and is going to change. I can feel it inside. I walk around in the day knowing that I am watching this part of my life fade out, wondering what will replace it. I go to bed at night wondering how much more will have faded while i slept. I thought this phase of my life was going to last forever, and certainly made decisions that showed that belief. Now...

If i walk away does it cheapen my love? Does it make my promises meaningless?

I know i did all i can up until this point. I don't look back with any regrets. I gave of myself, finally gave of myself without holding back, and I'm glad i did. I thought i did it because we were meant to be. Maybe i did it so i would be able to give like needed when i *did* meet the one.

My heart is still mourning. I don't want to say goodbye, i don't want to make the decisions to end this. Aren't i suppose to be fighting?

I don't think i can fight anymore. Not for this. I don't even think the person I'm fighting for wants me fighting. I will always fight for love. I will always work for love. I will always sacrifice for love. I wont however, fight *against* love, and i don't think i would be doing anything but that if i keep fighting.

So i look in my hands. I wonder how much of myself is left. I tried to give. Give enough to make something last. Make something breathe and survive. Now my hands are empty and it's hard to see myself the same way.

I don't know what is left of me.

What is left of my dreams?

I have to move forward.

For weeks i have tethered my heart. Chained it to a stake in the ground. Vowed to use all my energy to protect it's place. Now i need to find the strength to pull that stake out of the ground. I know it will come out with the slightest tug. It may even slip out of the ground on it's own if i just stop pushing.

And still, i struggle to find the strength for this simple task.

I need a new heart, this one is...

*Broken*

refinement

you dry your eyes.
you dry your eyes.
the agony is still for a while.
you choke again on your sin,
and then release.
it's all been said
it's in your face.
the clowns are calling.
the choice is yours
no one else's.
just don't let go.
do you want to walk away?
save these tears for another day.
do you want to walk away?
my God, He won't walk away.
this is the pain,
and a reminder of the choice.
it's easy to make,
but hard to live out the cost.
we obsess to gain Joy.
we obsess to gain love.
we're at a loss.
so investigate your life.
investigate your heart
and rethink your choice.

Giant

Shake me, I'm waiting
In your new ark they're saying
I'm the creature in your sick thing
Everybody sees a giant

When the bad moon in your heart sings
And your wind-up gears start grinding
Your teeth feel you smiling
The better, happier you
A better, happier you

When you blow out like a dead star
It reminds me how uniform your beautiful is
We carry on like it's easy
Like you're all out and I'm your man
Baby, I'm your man

Hit me, I'm bleeding
In your lounger, on your grooming
It's the future, it's whoring
The better, happier you
A better, happier you

When you blow out like a dead star
It reminds me how uniform your beautiful is
We carry on like it's easy
Like you're all out, and I'm your man
Baby, I'm your man

Hold Dearly To Me

What do you do when you're in total frustration?
What do you do when you're in total despair?
What can you say when you dial that number and the only
person you want to talk to is never really, really quite there?

This person cannot bring me happiness
This person cannot bring me JOY
Gracious God lift me higher, let me see your beautiful face
I gotta know who my true friends are and
Where's my home sweet home

Many nights I've wandered alone down this street of pain
Many days I've stumbled out into the darkness of daylight
Many years I've wandered, wondering just where I'll end up
In a festering heap of flames or a shivering cold cold night

Good God almighty scoop me up and set me free
Let me walk in Your forgiveness
Make a man out of me
Lord I've been jumping at shadows, like a snake I've been eating my tail
Let me trip, let me stumble but please don't let me fail

I'm a fly by night, I'm a dog by day
I've got a room full of beautiful memories
Growing old and in the way
I got a heart that's been broken over and over again
Some by lovers, some by brothers, but most of all by my own dirty little hands

Let me sit at your holy feet, let me count the hard cost
Of what is right and what is wrong, of who is king and who can only be the boss
Let me lie awake and seek the truth from thy holy face
Out of the holy mouth thundering forth out of the holy place

Let me walk and stand and talk with the mind of one given over
Only to the things that i know you hold dear
Let me soften my heart, let me harden my footsteps
As i press toward the mark of your safe place without any fear

Hold dearly to me
Hold dearly to me
Hide me,
Drape me,
Closely and safely

Nothing Lasts

As i drove away last night from the house that I've spent so much time in, that my world changed a bit forever in, i turned on my Zune and hit random. There are 9294 songs in my Zune, this is the one it chose for me at random. Soon this house will have no room for me. Be it because the person I'm there to see is moving, or because even were she there she may have no need for me. But there i was last night. Trying with all my might to not have it all slip through my fingers like so many grains of sand...

If one could stop time
Or make it up
If two could realize
The best of luck
If I could locate
God above
And you only wanted
To be loved

Then I'd try to hang on
To the past
But you know
That nothin'
Oh no, nothin' lasts
Nothin' lasts

It's time to move on
Let the past go
I've waited for you here
But you never showed
Although I asked you
To let me know
I only felt
A cold wind blow

While I tried to hang on
To the past
But you know
That nothin'
Oh no, nothin' lasts

Nothing's in your way
Now you can stand
Right up and run
Wouldn't even change things
If you took back
What you'd done

I have tried to hang
On to the past
But I couldn't keep my grasp
'Cause nothin' lasts
Nothin' lasts
Nothin' lasts
Nothin' lasts

Peeking Out Of The Cracks

I realized that it's been a few days since i wrote in here something that wasn't lyrics or poetry. I'm always happy when some poetry comes through, even atrocious poetry like mine, but sometimes you need some prose to organize your thoughts a bit. Hopefully my thoughts will indeed organize, as they feel more than a little scattered on this lovely Sunday morning. I think i piled all my life's confusion on top of me for a few days and am only now peeking through it all and looking at life a bit again.

I feel a little more lost that i ever have in my life, but lost might not be the best word. Lost tends to evoke feelings of hopelessness, which is not at all what i feel. Don't get me wrong, I'm sad and unhappy about plenty of life's most recent curve balls, but i feel hopeful at the moment. I don't know where to take a step next, what to decide next, or even where to *be* today, but i feel peaceful in my lack of knowledge.

I'm not sure i like it. Faith in things working out, without any kind of cognizant vision of how that is going to happen sometimes feels like the enemy of a rational mind.

I struggle with faith vs fact, faith vs reason, faith vs knowledge a lot. It's hard for me to let go and believe most times. Worse yet, most times i don't want to. I worry that i will venture into the realm of self deception. Having faith in the things i *want* to believe because it gives me comfort, not believing in what my reason based brain tells me is most likely true.

This has always been the struggle of my faith.

Someone has recently entered my life who has this faith based force of will that blind sides you. You can feel her faith in every word, this undeniable typhoon of belief that permeates her every interaction with me. I've seen this plenty of times before, especially in my college years, but this is different. She has something i cant put my finger on, something that makes it real and believable in her, where with most of the others it felt like an artificial construct, something built by the person, not created by a higher power.

It's almost overwhelming.

It's very comforting.

It's a little confusing.

She either has awful or perfect timing. There is a good chance that it is just what i need to carry me through one of my darkest times, personally, emotionally, and spiritually. Of course, i don't really feel like I'm emotionally stable enough to be safe for someone new. I know it's safe for me, it's *her* i worry about.

She doesn't seem worried. She's pretty impressive.

So i don't know what today will bring. Not even a little. I don't what people I'll see, what emotions I'll be feeling. I feel like i have equal odds of feeling like the luckiest, most happy man in the world, or like a desperate man at the end of his rope feeling like he has no options left. All places in between feel possible, even likely.

Winners Never Quit

She makes me see
That he's still working in me.
And that this broken me
Can become whole and free

Save your applause for the end of the show
Savior applause for the end of the show

Counted my blessings
Like sheep over a fence
Woke up with a smile
And a little more peace

Save your applause for the end of the show
Savior applause for the end of the show

Stubborn and selfish
And full of myself
Thinking i can make it
Without any help

Save your applause for the end of the show
Savior applause for the end of the show

A laundry list of problems doesn't make you interesting
And never getting help doesn't make you brave
Not listening to reason doesn't mean that you have faith
Not listening to your heart is a fatal mistake

Save your applause for the end of the show
Savior applause for the end of the show

Please know that I'm trying
Please know that i care
Please know how much this hurts
Much more than i can bear

Save your applause for the end of the show
Savior applause for the end of the show

I'll fall again before too soon
I'll make the worst mistake
I'll grasp the past like fading mist
I wont accept this fate

Save your applause for the end of the show
Savior applause for the end of the show

If you are there when i get done
If you can bear to see
The mistakes i make like another heartbeat
Then you're a better one than me

Save your applause for the end of the show
Savior applause for the end of the show

I don't know how to end this verse
I cannot write the words
I don't how to stop this curse
To end this tragic fall

Save your applause for the end of the show
Savior applause for the end of the show


(Thanks to D. Bazan and J. Nolan)

Based On a True Story

Shade is shelter from the sinking
Kind and knowing of my heart

All I know was taken from me
What I perceived had gone away
Now I feel the light exposing
Things I never thought i'd say

Shake me now I might believe
All before me is a dream
And kill the feeling of antipathy

Fingers pointing to the ceiling
The faces burned into the walls
The ghost of lies was born this evening
The laughter echoes own the halls

But if you leave it up to me
I won't believe it for myself
And all that's left is too be free
From the pictures on the shelf

Shake me now i might believe
All before me is a dream
And kill the feeling of antipathy

I can feel you in my hand
Like I did before and when
Things were simple we could understand

A Little Sleepy

Nothing like a very loud concert, a surprise call at 2am, and talking to a new friend later than that to make waking up for my first day of work this week a difficult experience. None of that is a complaint however. The Appleseed Cast was excellent, the call at 2 am was a welcome surprise, and the new friend makes me smile a lot.

So i wouldn't give up any of them for an little more sleep.

It's not all poor timing. My Starbucks which has been closed for 2 weeks reopened this morning. Mmmmmm chai before work. =)

You'd Have Done The Same...

She's got this glow
This pixie of energy
Full of wry grins
delightful chatter
and arms that know how to hold with purpose

Her hands in mine as she looked elsewhere
but they slid across the fabric on her belly
urging me to tug her close
You'd have done the same
And brought her close enough to smell the scent of her skin

"You lose your grip, and then you slip
into this masterpiece"

I'm more careful than this
but i don't care
follow your heart with a little abandon
or live alone in your head
The longest winter is nowhere in sight
with her lips at my neck
and her eyes defibrillating my heart

Lost Coastlines

We packed up all of our bags
The ship's deck now sags from the weight of our tracks
As we pace beneath flags black and battered
Rattling our swords in service of some fated, foreign Lord

And we sail out on orders from him
But we find the maps he sent to us don't mention lost coastlines
Where nothing we've actually seen has been mapped or outlined
But we don't recognize the names upon these signs

Cold Feet, Warm Hands

your feet are so cold
my heat is yours to take
my hands are on your back
until you leave me awake

i can feel you at peace
stress leaving your skin
locking the door, dropping the key
waiting for my darkness to begin

Niece Medicaton

I went and visited my niece today. She is the sweetest little creature ever. I love that i live close enough to stop by on my way back from somewhere else, and that my sister and brother in law never mind Uncle Patrick showing up unannounced. She is getting bigger now, and she is happy as ever.

I'm thankful for her. She makes me smile, even when life sometimes makes you feel there is little to smile about. I'm sure i look like a kid on Christmas morning right now. I've got niece glow.

The Gospel According to Swingers

MIKE
Ok, so what if I don't want to give up on
her?

ROB
You don't call.

MIKE
But you said I don't call if I
wanted to give up on her.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
So I don't call either way.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
So what's the difference?

ROB
There is no difference right now. See Mike, the only difference between giving up and
not giving up is if you take her back
when she wants to come back. But you
can't do anything to make her want to
come back. In fact, you can only do things to
make her not want to come back.

MIKE
So the only difference is if I forget
about her or just pretend to forget about her.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
Well that sucks.

ROB
Yeah, it sucks.

MIKE
So it's just like a retroactive decision.
I mean I could, like, forget about
her and when she comes back make like I
just pretended to forget about her.

ROB
Right...although probably more likely the opposite.

MIKE
What do you mean?

ROB
I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her,
you'll not call her, I don't know - whatever, but then,
eventually, you really will forget about her.

MIKE
Unless she comes back first.

ROB
Mmmmmm, see, that's the thing. Somehow they
know not to come back until you really forget.

MIKE
There's the rub.

ROB
There's the rub.

A New Friend

I made a new friend yesterday and she told me this:

"Remember, that in the middle of a storm you do not need to see where you are going. the tides will carry you. Don't tread water, don't fight to rise above the waves. Just be calm and still...

The storm will carry you to where you need to be once you stop fighting against the tides"

If that isn't my biggest struggle looking back over my whole spiritual journey, i don't know what is. I'm not one to just let the tide take me where it is going to, regardless of how futile it might be to fight it. Hopefully, she will rub off on me a little.

Of course, my friend also sent me a message that ended with this line:

"Joy is right around the corner for you Patrick. I promise."

Like i said, i just met this person yesterday, she has no idea what I'm struggling with, or why this statement sounds so much different to me that it was surely meant by her...

The Relationship Tree

As i was sleeping last night, I had this idea of my relationship existing as a tree. The longer it existed, the larger it grew. Over time new branches formed, leaves, even fruit. The trunk became thick with experience, stronger through the times it had been through. My love was the sun, her love the water, each an integral part of making the tree flourish. Between my excessively bright shining, and her abundant flow of water, the tree had grown exceedingly healthy and strong, in such a short time. I have never seen a tree this vibrant and beautiful, at least not one that i was lucky enough to shine upon myself.

But something happened... She has turned off the water. It was barely two weeks ago. It feels like so much longer. I know she didn't mean to turn it off. It sounds like a cop out for her, and i wont go into the reasons, but i know she cant control turning off the water. I'm doing my best to be patient and supportive, shining light upon the tree whenever those rare occurrences happen where there is a break in the clouds and my sunbeams get through. My brightness hasn't changed at all. My desire to feed the tree is strong as ever.

Sun wont do it alone.

Already I'm starting to see the tree suffer. Suffer in ways that may not be able to be corrected even if the water returns. Without the water, the tree has become unhealthy. The bark starting to become more brittle. No new leaves forming. Some leaves falling off even though spring has barely begun.

I don't think i can bear sitting back and watch the slow death of the tree, yet that seems my best option. The only other one i know is turning my back on the tree. Cutting it down myself to save the long slow fade. I don't know if i have the strength to do that. The minute i start chopping, i will be erasing any chance, no matter how small, that the water might come back, and there might be a chance to save the tree.

I feel *guilty* for not being more hopeful.

I suppose there is hidden and stubborn hope in my refusal to chop down the tree. Probably not though, mostly it's just fear. Fear of making the wrong choice. I'd like to regain hope, but it's hard. I spent time with the giver of water last night. She has no interest in helping the tree. Again, i know this isn't a conscious choice, but...

That doesn't make it hurt any less.

I have an appointment with an Arborist on Tuesday. Wish me luck...

Right now all i can do is shine, and try to remember there is a reason to exist even if i have nothing to give my light to. I don't feel that in my heart, even if i believe it somewhere deep in my head. The heart is always so much more blind to reality. It's a wonder any of us make it through the day with one.

I Hope This is The Bottom...

But I'm pretty sure it isn't.

Hopefully the weekend will go a little better. I have plans sat, sun, and mon night which should keep my mind busy enough to not think about all the things that are currently dragging me down emotionally. Tuesday is the day I'm shooting for to *start* making sense of things.

Options....

I've been up since 7am. I'm thinking of all my options. I don't like any of them. When did everything go so wrong?

Healthy?

I'm actually going to use my health insurance for something. That is *so* unlike me...

Fighting For Love

I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who married young. When you go to a Christian college, this isn't unusual. There is always a debate about whether there are more degrees handed out at graduation or wedding invites. The point is, for whatever reason all these Christian kids find someone, marry someone, and that's that.

Now i know I'm making this more simplistic than it is. I know these couples have the same struggles other married couples do, though if i had to guess I'd say these ones have much lower divorce rates, even with the young start, or maybe because of it.

I'm not trying to separate myself from these people. Trust me i was one of them. I worked pretty hard to have the same thing happen. Between being terrified of making lifelong decisions, and a tricky relationship, i graduated in May of 98 and didn't propose until October of 99 or so. But it's not like i wasn't eying the same basic thing.

What makes me jealous of these people is that it never seemed to me that they had to fight for love. I'm sure there were dicey times here and there, but for the most part, they met someone that was good enough for them, had similar wants and values, and they have taken it and ran. That's it. I'm sure they fight for the relationship like any relationship, but they usually do it within the confines of that commitment. It's like a contract where the framework has been signed for years, but they just spend all the time hammering out the smaller day to day details.

I guess it just seems like I frequently find myself fighting for love. I wonder if this is how it is supposed to be? Did the rest do it right, and i struggle since I'm looking for something unobtainable? Did the others settle on some level, and i struggle because I'm unwilling to settle and waiting to find the person who I connect with unlike anyone else?

Didn't i already find this person?

I don't mind fighting. I believe I'm fighting for something exceedingly worthwhile. That being said, I'm well aware the odds are against me. Worse than that, as hard as I'm fighting, I'm also aware it isn't my fighting that will bring this situation to the desired resolution. I can fight harder and better than i ever have and still get to the same likely resolution. I know i need to fight hard, and smart, to get through this. I just know that isn't what is going to resolve this.

Maybe someday I'll stop fighting. Maybe I'll settle. For now I'm going to be true to my heart. I understand the wisdom in the advice below, but that doesn't make it stop feeling sad.

"Don't trouble yourself with seeking peace, go cheap..."

Answers to M's Questions

I thought about this a bit and i think i have some insights, although nothing i would classify as definitive answers. It was interesting thinking of these topics, so thanks M!

I'll go with the 2nd question first. Why am i afraid to be emotional? Those who know me well would probably think this was an odd question, as I'm probably much more emotional than the average guy. Of course this question was asked in the framework of only knowing me through the confines of this blog where that question makes much more sense.

I was a journaler long before i became a blogger in 2005. I was much better at journaling when i was into it. I went years and years at a time without ever missing a day. I still have tons of Mead 3 subject notebooks, college ruled, (my journal of choice), in my closest filled on every page. It covers years and years of my life. It served a couple of purposes. It helped me get out my thoughts and feelings, it helped me arrange them to put them on the page, and it helped me to read back later (sometimes years later) to help me understand who i was and how i have changed over the years. I guess that would be catharsis, organization, and understanding.

The problem is, emotions are so fickle. They are the most intense things in the world, but they change over time, and sometimes quickly when the situation changes. The pain of being dumped can quickly be softened when you meet someone new. The frustration of hating your job is vanished when you find a new and better job. Whatever it is, they are so intense, feel so permanent, and in the end are almost always temporary. For me it can be downright nauseating to read back over some of my most maudlin moments after that period of my life is over.

I suppose that's why in some ways i shy away from being too emotional on here. When I'm really hurting you are more likely to see song lyrics that i relate to rather than my own words and feelings. It's easier when i go back i guess. If I'm really going through something emotional it might get me to write some poetry. I'm an awful awful poet, but at least it allows me to share my own feelings and experiences without feeling like I'm putting everything on the table.

I think that was the easier of the 2 questions.

The other one was what am i running from. I guess I'm running from the things i assumed we all run from. Fears, and past mistakes.

Most of the subjects in here either relate to music, or relationships. Music, while it makes me very happy and enriches my life more than i have the vocabulary to describe, really doesn't have any negative aspects. It rarely deals with fears or past mistakes. Relationships however are a much different story.

Relationships for me, are all *about* fears and past mistakes. I didn't get to be 32 and single without making a lot of mistakes. A lot of them i made honestly, but some i knew i was making and my fears allowed me to make them anyways.

So anytime my words lead you to believe i am running from something, I'm sure it's myself that I'm trying to run from. All the past mistakes. All the things i do that i wish i didn't do. All my tendencies that i hate, but don't notice until it's too late that they have reared their ugly head. I'm trying to improve (aren't we all?), but these things are easier said than done. We have things we struggle with. Parts of ourselves that we wish we didn't have. We take steps forward, and we take steps back, hoping that we are making ground when all is said and done.

Anyone else have any ideas or observations? One of the benefits of blogging over journaling, is you actually have a chance for someone else to see yourself in a way that you don't. That's how this post started even. I'd be curious if anyone has any insights on these things, either relating to me however you know me, or to the same topics as they relate to yourself or people in general.

Alive With Pleasure

As it turned out, Viva Voce is just what i needed last night. They played a set that was heavy with songs from their new album, and as expected they sounded much fuller as a 4 piece. Kevin and Anita were kind and gracious as always, and the 2 newcomers to the band really seemed to enhance the vibe.

As is typical of these types of shows the start time was nowhere near the advertised one. The show was supposed to start at 8. I got there at 9, left for some Starbucks, and came back with plenty of time to see the opener "Cut Off Your Hands", who didn't goon stage until 10:30. They were actually pretty good. Not up my alley enough to warrant purchasing their cd, but i didn't feel the need to hang out elsewhere while they played.

My buddy Brian was there with his girlfriend Kim which was no surprise. When Brian had an active band in Rochester they usually shared the bill when Viva Voce hit town so i knew he was a huge fan. He let me know that his old band is playing next month in Rochester which is excellent news. They are one of my all time favorite live bands, and have only played together once in the last 3-4 years. I'll be making time for that show for sure.

In the really unusual spottings category, i ran into someone from college last night! This is weird for a variety of reasons. For one my college is 400+ miles away so its not like i am, or was close to the school last night. For two, our enrollment for the whole school usually varied between 700-1000. Tiny school. You don't expect to randomly run into someone when you are buying some chai at Starbucks in another town. Odd, but nice.

Didn't get home til almost 2, but well worth it. Wasn't even all that sleepy on the way home. I was pretty charged from the show.


Kevin, doing something i didn't expect him to be doing, playing bass.


Anita, doing the thing she does better than any women I've ever seen, playing guitar.

Untitled

It's in your head
It's in my heart
When i look with my soul
you just try and get out
i just was me,
you just were you
With nothing else in the world
worth holding onto
You have these sounds
You have that glow
pixie magic,
All around your toe
Against your back
i pushed the issue
You felt my death
then grabbed a tissue
It's not at all fair
It never is
Its only what we do
Its how we have to live
I gave it to you gladly
It was all yours to have
I don't regret for an instant
Having taken this path
Its darker now
The trail less worn
Others have tried
Others were torn
I know this isn't your choice
I know you aren't this cold
These are the cards you've been dealt
The stories you've been told
I don't know if ill be there
Holding you at the end
Its not my choice to love you
Don't know how far i bend
Ill keep you close
You'll keep your space
One day again maybe i'll see
that smile that completes your face
I'm gonna go
I need my sleep
It helps me cope
avoids the leap
Tomorrow I'll start again
And Maybe you'll be here
It doesn't matter in the end
If you're far or if you're near

Onward to Rose City

Tonight is Viva Voce in Rochester. Their newest album "Rose City" came out last week and has yet to become mine. It showed up on Emusic this week, but i want a copy i can hold in my hands. Thankfully I'll get the opportunity to purchase one from the band directly tonight. Always the best way to go. I purchased "The Heat Can Melt Your Brain" the same way. There is something deeply satisfying about shaking the hand of an artist and looking them in the eye as you purchase their music.

I hope it will be a healing experience.

Good music has a way to both reminding you of all the sadness that creeps into your heart, while also making you unable to ignore the majesty of life that makes it all worthwhile. I wish i had someone to go with tonight. My Rochester buddy backed out, and i cant think of anyone from around here likely to want to go to Rochester and see a band they most likely haven't heard of.

Matt would have gone, but he doesn't show up til Wednesday. Too bad for me, and too bad for him! Viva Voce is soooooo good live. Anita Robinson playing guitar is something everyone should experience at least once in their lives.

It's funny about concerts. When im driving there, or drinking a coke waiting for the band to come on, i love having someone with me. It's fun to talk about why you like the band, or where you saw them last. After the show is over, it's great to have someone there to talk about how good a certain song was, or what we liked best about the set. Once the music starts though, it doesn't matter I'm alone. Even when i have company, it's still just me and the music. Maybe that's why i see so many concerts, and so many of them solo. That place you are in when the performance is on, when everything else kind of fades away leaving nothing but you and the music is where it is at for me. It just doesn't get much better than that.

Being in Love...

Being in love means you are completely broken
then put back together

The one piece that was yours
is beating in your lovers breast

She says the same thing about hers

However I have gotten here I have plans to be with you
and for the first time it is working

And I am proof that the heart is a risky fuel to burn
yeah, we are proof that the heart is a risky fuel to burn

What's left after that's all gone I hope to never learn
but if you stick with me you can help me
I'm sure we'll find new things to burn...

Cause we are proof that the heart is a risky fuel to burn
Yeah, we are proof that the heart is a risky fuel to burn