Long Lost Friends

I had fun last night seeing friends i had not seen in awhile. Since we had one couple of friends coming into town for the night, it kinda brought everyone else out of the woodwork. I had a fabulous time. Some seriously full of joy moments.

I love seeing people i have shared my life with. The older i get, the more i enjoy life, and the more i am perplexed by negativity. I know that sometimes in life people hurt us, but why do we hold onto that stuff? Maybe it's our nature, but i just dont get it. There were people at the gathering that have hurt each other, those who have hurt me, and those that i have hurt. I guess that happens when people have been friends for a long time.

Forgiveness is such an amazing gift.

Sure, being forgiven is great, but it's nothing compared to truly forgiving others. It's a hard thing to do, ill be the first to admit to that. When it all comes down, it doesnt matter how hard it is to do, it's worth whatever hardship it may be. Forgive people who have wronged you. I can't stress that enough. Whether it is someone that hurt you once by being selfish, someone who hurt you a few times unknowingly, or someone who hurt you over and over as long as you have known them.

Forgive them.

It will set you free. Seriously. Clears up all this tension and negativity inside. I dont think we realize how much unforgiveness effects us internally.

So there was a little bit of healing last night that was nice. There was someone at the gathering that i had not seen in years, and not spoken to in longer. This wasnt a havent spoken because we have seen each other kinda thing, it was a we lived in the same house and didnt speak kinda thing. I didnt know if it was going to be awkward or anything, and thankfully it wasnt. She gave me a big hug when i got there, we took a few minutes to catch up, and it was like nothing ever happened. Can't ask for much more than that.

The only sad thing about a night like last night is knowing there are some who should have been there but couldnt be. I miss my friends far away. Some of the most special people in my world are miles and miles away. Canada, California, Romania, New York City, North Dakota...

So to all my friends who couldnt be around last night. Know i was thinking of you and missing you. Know that i wished you could be near. Most of all know that im sorry for any of the ways i have ever hurt you. I can be a callous, self centered, thoughtless, selfish man. Please forgive me. Your friendship means the world to me.

Prayers for women i care for deeply.

There are two women in my life that i care about deeply, that both contacted me last night in obvious pain. Both are going through things that are causing them sadness. It hurts me to see either of them going through hard times cause i care for both of them.

I don't know if it's normal to pray through a blog, but what the hell. I believe God is faithful to hear our prayers, no matter what the avenue of delivery. I guess for today this is a....er.... p-blog.

So God, for my friend dealing with things i can't even imagine: Having to endure sadness that is causing the things in her life that should be in the forefront to take a back seat for a while, i ask that you be with her through the hard times. Comfort her. Let her know that she and her marriage are only being strengthened daily but what they are going through, no matter what it feels like now.

And for my friend who is dealing with relationship difficulties, please provide guidance, strength, and the energy to do the things that are difficult in life, should they need to be done. Remind her of her value each and everyday. Help me to remind of this as well. She is a beautiful, intelligent, full of spirit woman who deserves someone who will cherish her and her daughter the way they crave. Bring that person to her, and give her patience and peace until that time comes.

Hopefully God even answers blog prayers..... i have a feeling he does. If either of these women reads this entry, i want them both to know that i am here if they need anything. I know i dont always have much to offer. Distance makes my ability to help in a tangible difficult sometimes, but please know i will i always do what i can to listen, to give advice, or just to make either of you laugh if i can.

I have been CD tagged

Bnakedlady has "CD tagged" me. This is presumably
because she was book tagged, but i am illiterate. So
its been modified to be about CDs instead of books.
What fun.

1. Total number of cds you've owned: In my heyday i
was somewhere between 2000-3000. Over the years from
moving and selling cds, im down to about 1700 as near
as i can tell. The main collection covers two shelving
units in my main living area and houses a little over
1000 cds. My bookshelf houses my U2 cds, which number
around 120. There are an addition 500+ that are still
packed away in boxes from various moves. Whew.

2. Last CD I Bought: I bought two at the same time.
Foo Fighters "In Your Honor" and Sleater-Kinney "The
Woods"

3. Last CD I Listened to: Sleater-Kinney "The Woods"
on the way to work this morning. I am loving this cd.
aggressive noisy all girl indie rock. Sounds great in
the car. The disc ends with a 2 songs that are
intermingled inside a 15 min extended noise jam. Love
it.

4. 5 CDs That Mean Something To Me:

U2 "Achtung Baby": My favorite cd of all time. Every
song is incredible. Lyrics are amazing. Sure almost
every song has oral sex allusions, but is that really
a bad thing?

Lift to Experience "The Texas-Jerusalem Crossroads":
How can a double disc album where every song is about
the end of the world where Texas is the promised land,
not be amazing? Somehow being a magical mix of U2, Led
Zepplin, Jeff Buckley, and a southern gospel preacher
works perfectly.

The Violet Burning "Self titled/Lipstick and the
dynamite wonder": A long dark exploration into some
dark spiritual territory with some serious guitar
distortion as your guide. "Underwater" is a song that
touches me spiritually like no other. As a man that
sometimes treads that narrow line between the holy and
human, that song is the anchor in my soul.

Pedro The Lion "Control": A masterful album of songs that intertwine, tackling issues as diverse as corporate greed, infidelity, murder, and Christian self righteousness. Everyone should sit in a dark room at least one in their life and listen to this album front to back.

Over The Rhine "Ohio": A 2 disc masterpiece that simply embodies everything that is amazing about music. The songs are well crafted, the lyrics reveal new things to me on every listen, and Karen's voice never ever gets old.

Interestingly enough, all these cds have something in one way or another to do with my faith. I didnt plan that or realize it would happen, but i guess it shows how deep my beliefs effect me.

Decisions, decisions, decisions....

As my previous posts have alluded to, i have been dating a girl for a few months now. Nothing too serious, and we have yet to adopt the boyfriend/girlfriend thing (ok, *i* have yet to adopt it). Im really not sure where to go at this point.

She is a really wonderful girl. She is caring, and goes out of her way to make sure i am happy, and smiling. She does sweet things all the time, and is always genuinely happy to see me, or be with me. She seems to enjoy my company no matter what we do, be it going out to dinner, seeing a band play that she has never heard of, going out with mutual friends, or just sitting on the couch watching a movie.

So what is my problem?

I guess it goes back to when i was talking about chemistry. I dont feel that "spark" like i keep thinking i should. Add to the fact that im not sure we have a super big conversational chemistry and it makes me doubt what im doing. Another issue seems to be... Hm, how do i put this? She seems to have stronger feelings for me than i have for her. Im not sure how i know that, but i can kinda just feel it. I am never quite as excited to see her as she is to see me. I never seem to miss her as much as she misses me. Often when i kiss her goodnight, she has a hard time stopping and leaving, where as i am fine with ending it and saying goodnight.

As i feel things out more, i wonder if what i am doing is the right thing or the wrong thing. Is it a good thing to give it time and give her a chance that i may develop feelings as strong as she has? Or is it a bad thing to keep her around, enjoying how wonderful she is to me when i know (at least at this moment) i am unable to turn around and give her back exactly what she gives me?

Live Music

I just want to say that i love live music. In the last week i got to see Seven Head Division, Howie Day, Copeland, Rainer Maria, and Denison Witmer.

Hopefully in the next few weeks i'll also get to see Over The Rhine, The Lost Dogs, The Magnolia Electric Co, Sarah Harmer, Michael Roe, Michael Pritzl, The Castanets, and then U2 in September and December. Maybe ill even toss a Tea Party show in there for good measure (Can you believe i've seen the tea party live 22 times?! Crazy....)

I dont know if there is anywhere that i feel more alive than when im in the presence of watching music i love being performed right in front of me. Just that amazing feeling of seeing the musicians explore music they have written, and the emotion it brings out in them, and in turn, the crowd.

Of course the best part of watching live music is sharing it with someone else. I always end up seeing a lot of shows alone, usually just because i can't find anyone else who would go as many shows as i would go to. I shouldnt complain too much. Lately i have had a pretty faithful concert companion who is open to see pretty much any show as long as she isnt working. It's been nice to watch someone experience music for the first time.

Chemistry

Let me start this off by saying that i have never been one of those people who say that you just "know" if someone is right for you or not, pretty much the moment you meet them. I think people surprise us. I think we surprise ourselves sometimes. It's a learning curve to say the least.

Not to say there isnt something important about chemistry...

What is it about chemistry? I know when most people speak of it in relationship terms they are referring to physical/sexual chemistry. While i wont downplay that type of chemistry's importance, i think what is on my mind is more of conversational chemistry. That weird somewhat indefinable connection where someone just totally gets you, where you get them, where they make you think more than anyone else with just a few simple words. That, indeed, is the relationship gold mine. I think if you find that, almost anything else becomes workable. Or at least, it gives you the motivation to work on anything else that may be troubling you.

I've met very few people, especially lately, that i could say i have that sort of chemistry with. The only one that comes to mind lives far away. Probably too far away to get very excited about the kind of chemistry we seem to have. For whatever reason she seems to get me. I wish i had that more in my life. By "in my life", i mean, oh let's say.... the same coast. Is that too much to ask?

Letting Things Happen

While im all for letting a relationship take it's
natural course on some level, i think in my past i
have done that, and ended up in a relationship where
the two people had vastly different expectations of
what the relationship should entail.

I think at the moment i have a pretty good balance
right now between letting things happen and having
some pretty good in depth discussions about what we
think a relationship should be. I guess to me it's been
more a case of good, open, honest communication,
rather than forced debate on the subject. That
certainly wouldnt be good.

Im posting this via e-mail so i have no idea if it
will work. I cant post or comment from work pcs, so
this is my only option if im feeling like
communicating from here.

Relationships

So i've been doing this dating thing again in my life and i'm not sure i'm good at it anymore. I think i think too much. My more youthful self used to dive into relationships with the same amount of thought that it takes me to purchase a new cd. Those that have seen my cd collection will attest that it doesn't take much thought for me to purchase one or ten cds. Anyways i find myself dating someone, but taking things really really slow.

For one, i have made great efforts to not call her my girlfriend yet (much to her displeasure/irritation). It's not that im scared of commitment or monogamy, (well that might be it a little), it's more that the girlfriend/boyfriend term has such crap attatched to it. Its not that the crap attatched to it is *bad*, it's just that it's unique to everyone. So what a "girlfriend" is to me, might not be the same things a girlfriend is to the next guy, or indeed the girl in question.

The weird thing is, everyone continually asks me "Is she your girlfriend yet?". What does that question even mean? If i say yes, they are only going to think of what "girlfriend" means to them, and then assume that is what this woman is now to me. Doesn't it make more sense to ask me probing questions about this person and my relationship with her? (I should mention that these are close friends im speaking of, not just casual acquaintances).

So my thought is, screw the label (at least for now) that everyone and their mother keeps asking about. Im trying to spend my time discussing with this particular gal what a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship means to her. Doesn't it make sense to discuss this stuff in depth before deciding you are this thing?

Blog?

I feel as if someone shouldn't really start a Blog if they don't own a computer, but life is a little more fun when you do things you feel people shouldn't do. I guess this is my tiny way of getting out some of rebelliousness that i totally didnt have when i was a teenager.

I'm hoping that each time i post something i'll learn something about blogging, since i know very little. Today i learned that "Blog" is not in the blogger spellcheck as a word. That makes sense.