Passionate Love

One of the amazing things about my faith is that God loves everyone. This is one of the foundational beliefs of my faith. There are plenty of things about my faith that i don't like. I don't believe what i believe because i like it, i believe it because i earnestly searched for truth and believe that i have found just that. Anyways, this is one part of my faith that i do like.

God loves everyone. I know it's kind of a simple Sunday school type fact about God, but i don't think it's something we really think about. If we do think about it, we probably don't do it in the right light. God loves us individually and passionately. That's not too hard to swallow. He loves everyone that way. Also not that hard to swallow. Now think about this: He loves Hitler and Osama Bin Laiden as passionately as he loves you or i.

That one always takes a little more time to swallow. Surely the horrors that these men have inflicted on the world would cause God to love them less right? Nope, to God sin is sin. He knows the inner workings of these men, loves them, and wants them to love him back just as much as you or i. We like to separate ourselves from these kind of people. We think that we are generally good people, trying to do our best, while these people are monsters.

But God doesn't see it that way. To him we are all people he loves. People he wants to see accept him, follow him, love him. People who mess up, sin, and plenty of times choose to turn our backs on him.

There is another side to this. Sin. We also like to think our sins are minor sins, while sins of people like this are major sins, evil sins, unforgivable sins. I think we do this so we don't feel so bad about the sin in our lives. Surely our sins aren't as bad as these other people, people who murder without so much as a thought?

There is a song about John Wayne Gacy, the serial killer, on the new Sufjan Stevens album. It's a haunting song tracing the actions of a man who killed 27 people. But at the end of the song is where the real truth lies:

"And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floorboards
For the secrets I have hid "

We all have those things. The things we have done that we try and hide from other, hide from God. We like to think that these things aren't so bad. But in the end sin is sin. Even if we have not killed anyone like John Wayne Gacy.

Anyways, i just thought these were some interesting thoughts. The end result of this all is not to make us all think that we are horrible people beyond redemption.... far from it. But realizing that all sin separates us from God, makes me realize how much i *need* redemption, and how blessed i am to have it.

Maybe tomorrow i'll go back to blathering about music and posting tracklists of mix cds...

7 Year Late Apology Made

So i sent my e-mail making my apology. I sent the e-mail to be proof read by a trusted friend before i sent it, and they seemed to think it was alright. I don't expect any kind of response, i just needed to know that i apologized. Now i don't have anyone who i currently feel i owe an apology. That's a nice feeling.

I haven't slept tonight at all, and i think im going to go right to work and do some overtime. Doesn't that sound like a whole ton o' fun?

Passive Mix 2

Another mix. This one finished around 6:30AM. Its a sequel to a mix i made a few weeks ago.

01 - Coldplay - In My Place
02 - Charlotte Hatherley - Grey Will Fade
03 - Elliott Smith - A Fond Farewell
04 - Dubstar - Stars
05 - Howie Day - Ghost (mix 6)
06 - Sufjan Stevens - John Wayne Gacy, Jr.
07 - Jimmy Eat World - Drugs or Me
08 - Veruca Salt - Somebody
09 - Mike Ford - Thanadelthur
10 - Sufjan Stevens - Casimir Pulaski Day
11 - LN - Gravity Of It All
12 - Richard Swift - As I Go
13 - Jimmy Eat World - Polaris
14 - Sufjan Stevens - Concerning the UFO Sighting near Highland, Illinois
15 - The Violet Burning - Underwater
16 - The Choir - The Ocean
17 - Sufjan Stevens - The Seer's Tower
18 - Lift To Experience - With The World Behind (live)

Summer 2005 Driving Mix

Im sure ill keep tweaking this as the summer goes on, but here is the mix i made tonight around 4AM. My only rules were that no artist got multiple songs (Sufjan Stevens tracks dont count since they are really all one song) and i had to think they would be good songs to drive to...

01 - Interpol - Obstacle 1 (Arthur Baker Remix)
02 - Failure - Enjoy the Silence
03 - Jem - 24
04 - Sleater-Kinney - Night Light
05 - Kevin Max - Return of the Singer
06 - Sufjan Stevens - They eare Night Zombies!! They are Neighbors!! They have come back from the Dead!! Ahhhh!!
07 - Sufjan Stevens - Let's hear that String part again because i dont think they heard us all the way out in Bushnell
08 - Sufjan Stevens - In This Temple as in the Hearts of Man for whom he saved the Earth
09 - Do Make Say Think - Horns of a Rabbit
10 - Audioslave - The Curse
11 - Diswalla - Policy of Truth
12 - Faith No More - Last Cup of Sorrow
13 - Filter - Trip Like I Do
14 - Muse - Hysteria
15 - Elliott Smith - A Distorted Reality is now a Necessity to be Free
16 - The Violet Burning - Berlin Kitty (live)
17 - Smashing Pumpkins - The Everlasting Gaze
18 - Nine Inch Nails - Closer
19 - Rammstein - Stripped

Man, after writing that it occurs to me there are all kinds of weird tracks thrown on there. Ill let you know how it sounds...

Work

I hate working. I just thought i would share. Id like to be independently wealthy. Soon.

7 Years later...

Forgiveness is very important to me. I like to do my best to have and give a clean slate to those who have crossed paths with me, when one has wronged the other. I know it is hard to forgive people who have wronged you, but how hard is it really? In order to forgive someone, you are still telling them (not in so many words) "you did something wrong". In order to give someone else forgiveness, on some level, you are placing the blame on them.

Sometimes its harder to ask for forgiveness. When you ask for forgiveness you are taking the blame upon yourself. With our society increasingly getting to the point that no one seems to take any kind of personal responsibility for their actions, this is getting harder and harder.

There is someone in my life that i feel i need to ask forgiveness. Seven years ago i dated them, and then broke up with them without a lot of warning. Worse yet, afterwards i acted very cold and callous towards her, convincing myself that it was better that way. What a load of crap.

This girl did nothing wrong. She was the perfect girlfriend. I made the mistake of dating someone when i was still emotionally tied to someone else. It was my mistake and mine alone.

Shortly thereafter we parted ways. We each graduated college and went separate ways. I had no idea where she ended up. Her family moved away and had a different last name. Her last name was very common so there was really no way to find her. This was seven years ago. From time to time i would search a bit for her when i had nothing better to do, hoping that one day i would find an e-mail address or something and could apologize, could ask forgiveness. I could never find anything, as far as public information was concerned she had vanished.

Until yesterday...

Yesterday i was bored on a lunch break and took a peek around google. Suddenly there she was. What she was up to, when she got married, and her e-mail address. Clear as day.

Im sure she doesnt care about what happened 7 years ago. 6 years ago she got married, and it seems she must be happy right now doing the kind of thing she always dreamed of. Im surely no more than a blip in her history, something that means little to her. In fact, she is probably happy that i made the choices i did. By comparison to what she has now, im sure the road with me would have been much less successful.

I still want to apologize. For me. So when the thought of her comes to my mind, ill know that while i treated her poorly, i'll have admitted it, and asked for forgiveness. Whether she responds or not means little, i just need to say it. Is that selfish? My best friend told me that while it will make me feel better it will just put her in an uncomfortable situation. I dont see that. If she doesnt care she can just ignore it. If she is glad that i admitted my a$$holery, then that is a bonus. If it upsets her.....well who would get upset at an admittance of wrongdoing?

I dunno, i guess there is no rush. It has been 7 years after all...

Sufjan

Im so glad this isnt some sort of audio blog as i have no idea how to pronounce the name "Sufjan". Ill find out this weekend and report back.

That being said, i finally purchased my first Sufjan Stevens album, the newly released "Illinoise". It isnt even 11am and im already floored. How this man makes songs this creative and interesting is beyond me. Any man who can write a captivating song about John Wayne Gacy, and have it be powerful, creepy, and still make me look introspectively into my own sin, is a songwriter to be reckoned with.

If anyone is looking for some new music, check this disc out if you can find it. I think Amazon has some music samples you can listen to...

I almost forgot to mention... I've lost weight!

...And of course by lost weight, i mean that i have shaved my head. I forgot:

1. How much cooler it is in the summer time.
2. How nice it is to never ever ever worry about your hair being messed up.

Joy.

Missing a Tea Party

The Tea Party played two dates in Buffalo last week, and i didnt go! It's still feels kinda shocking to me. I guess between the fact that i saw them a few weeks ago, the close to $30 ticket price, and the fact that ive now seen them 22 times, all created a mood in me that let me do other things those nights and not feel too bad about it.

Im sure they were good shows though. With any luck ill have them on cd within 2 weeks =)

I have friends coming in from out of town this weekend. Husband and wife. Will be really good to see them. The husband is a good friend, a youth pastor, with great taste in music. His wife is really sweet and funny... We are all going to go see a show in Buffalo. A band he really enjoys called "The Castanets". With any luck, ill even have my new girlfriend with me. Still feels weird to say that.

Speaking of the Tea Party, i bumped into one of my tea party friends that i havent seen in ages this morning. I call her a tea party friend cause she was a fellow fan of the band (thats how we met) and we tooled around seeing tea party shows together, but she long ago made the leap to regular friend. Anyways, seeing her this morning made me realize how many friends i have that i have not spoken to in ages. Gonna spend the rest of July making sure i contact them and let them know im still thinking of them.

City of Blinding Lights

Last night (or i guess this morning, as it was about 4am) i saw the video for U2's "City of Blinding Lights". It's cheap and easy video on paper, just a shot of a live performance of the song on the Vertigo tour.

I was mesmerized!

This was shockingly the first time i had seen the Vertigo tour in action. On U2's last tour, i saw seven shows spread across all the legs of the tour, so i was pretty used to what it looked and felt like. This tour however is nearing the second half of the second leg, and this was the first time i saw it in action.

It just looked gorgeous. It flooded my mind of the memories of what it's like to be in that sea of people, moving this way and that on every whim of the band. It's pretty magical.

Im a little over 2 months from seeing my first Vertigo show in Toronto, and a little over 5 months from my second and final Vertigo show in Buffalo. Can't wait...

Speaking of Toronto, im headed there tonight to see The Lost Dogs play. Should be nice. I adore Toronto and am there as often as i can be. I miss New York all the time, but Toronto has its own special charm of its own. It's got a European flair that New York doesnt have, that subtle reminder that you are in a different land everywhere you look.

Do Make Say Think

Saw this band last night. They were *amazing*. If they come to your area go see them... Seriously. Picked up their newest cd as well. I already want more.

Seems i have a girlfriend now. It also seems i came to this result in the most unromantic way possible. I used to be real romantic.....didnt i? Hard to remember these days. Anyways, considering that i was doing all the traditional boyfriend/girlfriend things anyways, i figured why not make the title official and give her some semblance of security.

Still one topic i need to bring up to her. Jealousy. I have lots of female friends and i like to hang out with them. Now that the girlfriend title is there, there are traditionally two reactions to this situation:

1. Now that i have security i know that he wants to be with me, i dont feel threatened by other women.

2. That's my boyfriend, there is no reason for him to hang out with other women.

Let's hope for #1. #2 could cause some problems...