Kollaps Tradixionales

Music Makes Me Smile

This morning i watched some music related items that i had DVR'd. First up was Okkervil River playing on Austin City Limits. After playing a great version of LOst Coastlines (Complete with Jonathan Meiburg), they played an *excellent* moody, piano driven, feedback laden version of For Real. That was worth the price of admission all by itself. Then they ended with two more songs, Our Life Is Not a Movie or Maybe, and Unless it's Kicks. All good choices!

Then i watched the end of the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame 25th Anniversary concert. U2 played 7 songs, and while the songs they did by themselves were mostly "safe" choices (Vertigo and Beautiful Day), they did play a nice version of Magnificent. Such a good song that the general music fan probably doesn't know. The real fun however was the songs they played with others. U2 and Bruce Springsteen doing a rendition of I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For; Bruce, and Patti Smith joining U2 for Because The Night; Fergie, Will I am, and Mick Jagger doing Gimmie Shelter with U2, and a version of Stuck In A Moment with Bono and Mick Jagger dueting. Good Times.

All this stuff makes me excited about a good year of live music in 2010. Already have Wilco lined up for February, Matthew Good in March, and U2 twice in July. Looking forward to all the fun more concerts that may show themselves as the year starts. A Silver MT Zion releases a new album in February so I'll be crossing my fingers for a tour. *Nothing* is quite like live Silver Mt Zion...

Overwhelmed, Undeserving, Overjoyed

This Christmas was truly one of overwhelming emotions. I've never considered myself someone disconnected from the meaning and experience of family, but this year I have the pleasure of learning about it like it was a brand new experience for me. Watching my niece and nephew get brought into this world, seeing them grow and learn, and getting to be a part of their lives has been an eye opening, and heart opening, experience for me. Truly, they bless my lives on a daily basis. Sharing a Christmas with them was wonderful. Seeing my niece especially take joy in small things, little gifts, and people who love her was incredible. Next year I'll get to see her brother go through it all a bit himself. Can't wait...

Also in the area of overwhelming emotions was meeting someone who connected to me on such a deep level, it's hard for me to believe. I'm no stranger to relationships, or to meeting new people. I'm even not that big of a stranger of quick connections to people on occasion, but this.... is different. This is amazing to me because some of the connections that are already there are the kind that i have spent months, even years, in previous relationships trying to cultivate with little success. Here i find these connections attached seamlessly and tightly, as if they were not trying to connect, but some long long parts that were disconnected and finally back together.

I do not know what i did to deserve finding a woman like this, but i hope to treat her with the respect, attention, and love that she most definitely deserves.

And I'll cross my fingers that she will care for the man inside even after seeing all my rougher edges.

The Christmas wasn't all good as we were forced to see a great musical flame extinguished and say goodbye to Vic Chesnutt. My prayers are with his family and loved ones. I know they must have seen a lot by his side. Hopefully all the music he left behind will continue to bring them comfort. The duality of holidays forces us to both take joy in the blessings we have, and remember those we care about that we cannot touch.

Merry Christmas Vic....

I'm praying for you....

So The Prudent Thing to Do...

...would be to not get too excited. But seriously, how can a man not be excited after a night like that?!

Wow.

Loved Ones

Saw so many wonderful old friends tonight. I love that we still get together. I love that some of the distant ones have moved closer to home. Thank you all for tonight, these nights are more healing to me than you'll ever know.

Also, met an *awesome* girl last night. If i met more girls like this, i would like dating more. I think I'll just focus on enjoying this one for now. 2nd date on Sunday. Wish me luck!

Sickness....

I've been sick the past few days, but I'm getting ready to head into work. Still trying to shake a funk that is deeper than physical illness. Rejection, be it subtle and perceived, or outright in my face has been high lately and i think it got to me. Hopefully i will start dealing with it better from here on out.

I'm not really sure where to go from here?

The Lost Art Of Mending Wings

The lost art of mending wings
Is on my mind tonight
I don't need to know the secrets
If you fly to me by accident
My smile will be just as genuine

Again...

You're out the door now
I can hear you hailing a cab
Hasn't this happened before?
Haven't we done this dance?

You resist all my efforts to analyze
I'm troubled by this repetition
You are legion, you are many
But my arms are empty, so you might as well be one

Too much me?
Too little.... not me?
I wish i knew
This lost romantic is scratching his head

Did i push my flowers on you too hard?
Was that card the last straw?
Did the morning bun miss the mark?
Would my indifference have stoked your desire longer?

Why do i even type these things...
Send them into the ether as if it will come back
Telling me something that will surprise me
Nothing comes back, i remain unsurprised

I promise I'm not angry with you
I made my bed, I'll sleep in it alone
If I'm angry it will be at myself
for not deciphering this shadow sabotage within me

As usual i wonder what you are doing
Tonight you are blonde, curvy, funny
Last night you were a pixie redhead
Tomorrow night i won't recognize you

Slap me when you see me
Remind me what I'm doing
Or tell me for the first time
I promise i wont listen to you

Dirty Day

"You can hold onto something so tight, you've already lost it."

Patrick is letting go...

Jack's Valentine - For Robyn

Help me. Spread my table.
I’ve been tryin’ but I’m just not able.
There’s so much left inside,
so very much I’ve been tryin’ to hide.
Life gets pretty heavy and I wish it was light,
but after all I love the night.
and there’s that word again.
I still hear it every now and again.

I breathe you ‘cause you help me forget
everything I don’t know about love yet.
I need you ‘cause you help me forget,
yeah, you help me forget.
I drink you ‘cause you help me to see
it’s mostly myself that’s killin’ me.
I think I have to, to help me forget
everything I don’t know about love yet.

Someone said these were the best days,
best days of our life.
I suppose there could be worse ways,
worse ways to learn to cry.
And if these should be the last days,
the last days for you and I,
I suppose this is the best way,
best way to say goodbye.

I breathe you ‘cause you help me forget
everything I don’t know about love yet.
I need you ‘cause you help me forget,
yeah, you help me forget.
I drink you ‘cause you help me to see
it’s mostly myself that’s killin’ me.
I think I have to, to help me forget
everything I don’t know about love yet.

It snows in here. It snows forever,
but there’s no Christmas underneath this weather.
When it blows here and gets real cold,
I wanna trip myself and fall upon your fabulous sword
and move here by the stained-glass window.
Forget about the inside ghetto.
Down here on the hardwood floor,
the lines on the ceiling start to swim once more
like a cheap Renoir, a fake Van Gogh,
a pop Monet, a blue Degas.
I breathe you. I need you. Ah...

The Jouney into Ambiguity

I know it's been a little while since i put anything of substance on here. I've been busy with life, which i suppose is a good thing. This past week i worked on my days off so i could take a few days off and head downstate to where i used to live and went to college. It was fun to see all the old sights, see a lot of old friends, and just enjoy a place that i lived for so long.

It was also nice to spend time with a new friend, and see some great music. Seeing an artist that you have a connection with is always exciting, but even nicer when you can add to it finding a new artist that you make a connection with as well. So many of the musicians that i listen to i got into via another musician, either because one was the opener for another, or because someone i like worked with them, or even due to a musician i enjoy talking about an artist in an interview. This time it was seeing an opener that was terrific.

The company was great as well. Sadly geography dictates that i wont get to hang out with this person nearly as much as their awesomeness would normally dictate, but hopefully we will bump into each other from time to time. It's always fun to meet new people, especially those who are fairly laid back and know how to just enjoy people. I hope she knows how much i enjoyed her company and appreciated her understanding.

It's not often that i undate a date, but that's what happened here. The evening was planned as a date, and surely would have been a good one, but i just felt i wasn't in the position to treat it like a date.

Which means that my heart has said that it had found someone it wanted to pursue more than all the rest, but life hadn't caught up to speed yet. Which i suppose is the way it always happens.

It is of course one of the most tenuous positions to be in.

It's also one i apparently dislike a great deal if my history of moving out of this spot with incredible velocity is any indication.

I suppose since i am trying to grow as a person, and relationships are an area of tremendous focus for me, it would good for me to not listen to my usual instincts in this spot. In previous times, this totally brings out my fight or flight type of responses. The uncertainly leads me to seek clarification, whatever the cost. My need to remove the ambiguity is so strong that i am usually willing to sabotage the whole situation, if that's what it takes to find clarity, even the clarity that comes from a negative outcome.

Maybe i need to learn to be ok with the ambiguity for awhile. To even embrace it a bit?

As i typed that i felt a cold chill come over me. You have no idea how much those words are the antithesis of how my mind functions!

Even as i am interested in the concept of embracing ambiguity, my mind winces just trying to understand the practical side of it. How do i make decisions, how do i act accordingly, if everything is ambiguous? How do you take a step forward when you don't know which direction you are going?

Maybe these are the times i need to stop trying to get somewhere and just *be* where i am. Of course, the ambiguity means that sometimes i don't even know where it is that i am, let alone where i am going.

Is it any wonder i usually work so hard to avoid this?